A Thought

I've had a particularly difficult last few weeks (three? four?) and it's really getting to me how "not ok" I'm feeling (it tends to feel like it will never end when you're in it.)

It got me to thinking... I've heard of folks living with certain illnesses (Crohn's, Excema, MS, etc.) talk about having a "flare up".  (Like I remember watching Alone - a tv show where the contestants are trying to survive alone in a wilderness - and the one lady was doing fine until she wasn't and she had a flare up of her MS and ended up having to "tap out" (leave) for her own health.)

Which made me think... we don't really refer to mental health in that same way.... 

Like I actually thought to say it to Jason last night... "I'm having a flare up of my anxiety right now" because I am.  Aren't I?  

If it's an illness that I may possibly have to live with for the rest of my life, then isn't it fair to acknowledge that some times it is easier to manage than others?  I have a pet peeve (that I haven't admitted to) when people ask me the well meaning question of "how are you TODAY" because some days I want to be like "ask me again in an hour" or "I'm fine right this second but I was losing it this morning" or "I don't want to answer that because I am not consistent and what I tell you now might not be what I would tell you later and that feels unfair."

Like... right now I feel quite "not ok", but I feel like in November and the start of December I was "more ok".... 

Or days that I haven't slept well vs a day where I had an AMAZING sleep... one of those days is much better than the other in terms of how I feel and cope and manage.

And like, sure, I'm improved from when I first went off of work... I'm "better" than I was a few years ago, so the trajectory of how I'm feeling is generally upwards.  But always in the back of my head or the pit of my stomach there's a memory or felt sense of how it "used to be" and I feel like I'm always reaching for that peace and calm and sense of ok.  (Even if I should really let go of that as a thing... I don't know, I'm babbling now).

But yeah... maybe I should start reframing my not good days/times as flare ups of my medical condition... and maybe that will help me be more accepting and more willing to increase the coping things I sometimes try to avoid to "be strong" or something.

Anyway... just a thought I had.  That maybe I'll keep thinking on.