I grew up looking at myself in a mirror (via dance classes) and always saw something "not fat". Until my breasts grew and I suppose puberty but still even when I thought I was fat I actually wasn't. I was thin. I just saw it differently in my mind's eye. (And via the words of my parent.)
I know I have put on weight over the last few years. And sure, our bodies do that as we age and grow and change, but our bodies also do that when we take less good care of ourselves. And/or stress. And/or eat high carb, high sugar things ALL the time. And/or reduce our cardio/movement. Etc etc.
I looked at myself in the change room at the pool the other day and I saw a "fat woman" and I've been taking some time to think about that.
When I put on clothes, I don't look overweight. I look ok. And as Jason (trying to be helpful) says, I look "thick" (which I think is a polite term for overweight but I digress.) But in a swimsuit (one without COMPRESSION type fabric - one that really is just covering the nude parts) I look large.
Perhaps not fat, I'm not a good judge of that. But I do not look thin. Or, as Jason puts it (again, trying to be helpful) not toned. But when *I* look, I see a fat middle aged woman and that is hard to see.
Objectively, my BMI suggests I'm overweight. There is controversy around using the BMI as a tool but still, I'm not happy with my body. But here's the thing, I never have been.
Since whatever age I started to notice bodies or *my* body, I haven't liked it. I can't think of an age from teenage to now where I liked, was happy with, proud of, or confident in my body.
And that KILLS me.
Sometimes I look at people in my world who are objectively fat. Like not being unkind but very large, very overweight people and I can see that I don't look like that. I am not massive. But I am the largest, heaviest, least fit I have ever ever been and I am trying to figure out how to sort of be ok with that, like this whole thing my counsellors say about accepting doesn't mean you can't change or work on something but they seem to feel that accepting is important. So I'd like to start there.
I also know that when I look back at old pictures of myself I see something very different now than I did then so I am probably not seeing accurately right now either.
And yes, I'd love to have a completely different body type (taller, thinner, more model-esque) and I "thank" both the fashion industry (and my obsession with it) and the dance life for that, but I will never have a different body type. THIS is the body I have. Once puberty hit I had curves. Large curves. My legs have always been strong, not sticks. I can't wear most tall boots as my calves are large. Not fat, I just am built this way. But I don't like my body type and I would like to change that.
And there is also a truth that I could do better with my fitness and my food. Like I know two large women (one has been a friend for decades and one is Jason's landlord). They are both over six foot, so they are both big women. But one is "normal" for her size and the other is the very overweight woman I mentioned earlier. Neither can change their height or build but they are both handling their health differently.
So yeah, seeing myself in that mirror last week was upsetting. It was all literally hanging out in ways it doesn't when I'm dressed in clothes. I felt fat. I saw fat. Horrible things and words went through my head. And I'd like to look at that person in the mirror next week and think something else.
And I don't know if it's realistic or fair to want to change that (this) body but I'd like it to be different. But I also struggle very much to have the discipline (?) needed to attempt that. Man, humaning is hard sometimes. I wish I looked different in a bunch of ways but I don't.
I'd like to be ok with that while also working to be healthier (and maybe more toned/fit and maybe maybe slightly less thick looking when in a swimsuit or naked, you know?) (Although the irony is that somehow the swimsuit made me feel bigger than being naked does. Go figure.)
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