Really Unpleasant

Over the last month (ish) for whatever reasons (aka I'm not really sure?) my anxiety got quite bad again (rather than being sort of a background thing that would pop up from time to time.)

I've started having panic attacks again (which are many times worse than having a big amount of anxiety about something) but I've also started to have really not great thoughts that throw me off.  (And don't make sense.)

Some examples.... 

 - I sent my parents a text with a question and they didn't answer.  I then sent them an email about something else and again didn't get an answer.  Somehow my brain decided that this meant they had both died.  

But it's not *just* the awful thought for me.  That thought is accompanied by a full body feeling of terror/anxiety/panic that this is true and I now have to deal with it.

(In this case, I pushed through my anxiety and just called them.  They were fine.)

 - Jason was away on a camping trip.  I was getting groceries in the general area of his place and my brain told me that his house had burnt down. (Like what the f*ck?). And again, I had that body knowledge that this was true and all of the things that would now happen.

(I made the choice NOT to drive by to check on his place as I didn't want to sort of give any power to what was really quite a ridiculous thought.  Like, he has roommates.  Had the house burnt down one of them would have likely, almost guaranteed contacted him and he likely would have let me know.  Sigh.)

And one last example, actually from last night....

I was trying to fall asleep and half thinking about the time of year and I found myself wondering when pomegranates will be back in the stores.  Then my brain half wandered to the idea of cutting them open to get at the seeds, and then my brain decided to tell me that in attempting to cut open a pomegranate, I sliced off my finger.  And in the half awake state, I could "see" the severed finger and I could imagine myself, I dunno, being in shock and pain and maybe fainting and then I felt completely overwhelmed by the panic of living alone and not knowing if I'd be able to get to the phone to call 911 and then how long it would take them to get to me and would I be together enough to open the door for them and OH MY GOD WHAT DO I DO WITH THE FINGER?  I tried to think of tv shows where they put a severed thing on ice but then did the doctors say that was bad?  Do I put it on ice?  DO I HAVE ICE?  What if it's milk, am I supposed to put it on milk?  Do I wash it off and put it back on and wrap it?  How would I give myself first aid with all that blood and faintness and this went on and on and I could see the image clearly and I could feel the panic in my body about this happening and there is still a part of me lying there going "you know this isn't real right?  You don't have a pomegranate, you didn't slice your finger off, in fact you're pretty careful when you're using a big knife like that.  You know you're in bed, with nothing bad happening?" but the body is in full flight/fear/whatever mode and honestly I'm not sure how I handled calming myself down but I did end up taking something as hours after I still wasn't able to fall asleep.

So yeah.  It hasn't been the best last chunk of time but I'm assuming things in my mind will settle soon, and yes, I'll talk to my specialists about it and all that helpful stuff, but man, it'd be nice if my brain would stop with the vivid imagination stories please and thank you.