Oh Come ON! (Self)

Canada Post has gone on strike (which I am fully supportive of) and my current brain situation got me into a little bit of a less than ideal situation (which I fully YELLED at myself over at the time.)

So convoluted (not really?) story but one of my heart bands is the Tragically Hip and I have worn my concert t-shirts so much that they are starting to wear and I wanted to preserve them so I ordered some new ones from their online store (or should I say... gift shop, ha... no but really that's what they call it and also the name of a song which is why they call it that but anyway.)

Well it turns out that the size I bought at their shows are not the same sizes that are sold on line (aka a medium is now a small and no it's not a *me* thing I measured it against my old shirts).  So I reached out to them and even though they have a no return policy they said they'd make an exception for me (which I probably shouldn't mention online, um oops, pretend they said no I guess?) which I felt really relieved about as the shirts were sort of like "you could wear this at a bar but not comfortably out and about" sort of tight (I later discovered I might have unknowingly ordered a youth size but we'll ignore that for now because I'm still not entirely sure on that...) and while they weren't terribly expensive it was still about $60.

So Canada Post went on strike Friday morning and their website said that some offices might still be open so I packaged the shirts back up and walked to my closest post office with my fingers crossed but they weren't accepting packages at all (it's a post office inside another store so they were still kind of staffed but I don't think by postal workers.)

So I went across the street to a UPS and figured it'd be a few more bucks to ship that way but it was within the country so wouldn't be too much. 

And here's where things didn't go well, all on my own self.

There was some giant form I had to fill out and this was making me feel uncomfortable in the small store with other people doing the same.  So I filled it out as best I could and handed it over with the really tiny package (seriously they had them in the smallest package, such tight folds!) and she typed in all my information and then said "and that will be forty one dollars."  Me, in my brain UH NO!

But... me out loud "isn't there anything cheaper?"  Her:  no.

Me.  Oh.

Me inside my head "NO NO NO.  Don't do it.  Say no.  Hold on to the shirts.  Maybe the strike won't take that long.  This is more than one entire shirt cost!  You will lose money.  Don't do this, this is not smart. STOP".

Also me inside my head "The Hip store is already doing me a favour saying I could return the items when they don't *do* returns, I have to get it back to them.  I can't upset them." (This is people pleasing and social anxiety in action folks!). And also me in my head "well she's typed it in to the system now I can't back out now, I'd look stupid. I have to follow through, I started this.  And it needs to get back to Ontario."

Me in person.... saying nothing but shaking my head.

Me in my head "No, stop.  Tell her no.  Back up.  You don't have to do this.  Please don't.  Just don't."

Me, in person, paying.... forty fucking dollars to return two shirts that cost me $60 to buy. 

I got my receipt and walked out and was SO so so so so angry at myself.

It took me HOURS to calm down.  To stop blaming myself because well the only person to blame is myself.  And to "get over" "losing" money when I am always anxious about money and the purchase was a bit of a non-necessary one to begin with.

I was enraged.  At myself.  Which doesn't help.  Like at all. 

I did calm down eventually and have gotten to a point of "well it's *only* forty bucks... sigh" kind of thing but man oh man it is incredibly frustrating to be your own worst enemy and to even have a thought in your head but then to feel like unable to follow through because there's equal pressure from other thoughts in your head.

I'll be bringing this up with my counsellor this week and I suppose it will come down to saying I'm extra stressed right now and so to give myself some grace and leeway for not handling it how I might have another time.

So as a heads up for any of my fellow Canadians.... if you're trying to send something during this Canada Post strike time, I'd ask for the cost first before going ahead and filling out the paperwork.  And UPS is likely going to be outrageously expensive and not have many options for you (Canada Post generally has a few varying options you can choose for for shipping type and speed.)

Le sigh.

Not loving my brain sometimes (especially right now), you know?