Bracing

I was sitting here and the thought hit me "I am braced."

As in I am bracing for the bad thing I *know* is going to happen and I wonder if this is anxiety in action or if it is being awake and aware in the world.

Example?  My parents will die.  These days it's sooner rather than later.  And sure, they could have died when I was a child, or when I was in my twenties or thirties etc etc.  They may not die for another decade or two... (unlikely but possible) but the math and the reality is that they will not be around forever no matter how much I wish that were not the case.  And I'm fucking bracing for that moment.  That call.  That time.

Which, frankly, is not a way to live.

And then I think I'm bracing for other things that are less inevitable.  I mean I'll die too and so will everyone I know, my friends, my brothers, everyone and yes I'm starting to spin out with anxiety here, but by "less inevitable" I mean, for example, things that might happen down in the states.  Things that I'm bracing for.  That likely isn't a way to live either, but I don't quite know what else to do about it.

I'm unable to completely ignore.  I struggle with staying off of the social media sites and that might help for sure although I do my best to curate them fairly tightly.  

But yeah, it's a bit eye opening that I had that realization that I am fully braced for some really bad, hard, shitty, difficult things and that I think I'd like to actually loosen up and enjoy the now more.

I mean hell, I'm bracing for the heat of summer.  In May.  With hot water bottles on my feet half the time of late.

Maybe Bracing for Things is a factor of anxiety I have to figure out.  It's certainly not being mindfully in the moment.  Know what I mean?