Sadness

I was talking to my counsellor last week about how sad I am.  I said, partially questioning the "expert" that it wasn't depression, but a very very heavy sadness.  We talked about that and were in agreement.  I am terribly sad.

I feel very very alone.

I know that's not accurate in a visible way (I have people, great people in my life) but I guess I'm realizing how much the loss of Jason as my person and half partner kind of not not partner friend is affecting me.

Jason has been, or was, my go to person for most everything for more than a decade.  Bad day?  Call him.  Good day?  Tell him about it.  Struggles?  Ask for support.  He'd be there.  A call or a text away.  We'd see each other at least once a week, often more.  Camp together, go on road trips, photo adventures, watch baseball and tv shows and talk about all the things.  It was never perfect.  He has a temper that is much quicker than mine and that I don't like to be around (I was never unsafe, for the record) and he drinks and I never liked being around that either, so I'm not making him out to be a saint or perfect or anything other than a human full of faults, just like the rest of us, but he was always there for me.  He was who I turned to.

And now that's gone.

I'm not here to predict the future and say how things may be for he and I in a year or two or five, he's not here for me right now.

He's probably doing the best he can.  We text every few days.  We've talked on the phone a couple of times.  I've stopped by his place here and there but it's not the same. 

And it's taken a few months for me to really notice what an immense loss this is for me and how very very sad I am about it.

So, sure, it's like a breakup.  Which is never easy, but it's also the breakup of a solid support person, and that's devastating.

Yes I have other people in my life and people who have said they are there if I need.  But it's not Jason.  He has been so consistent as a support for me for so long and the loss of that is devastating and incredibly sad and lonely making.

So, yeah, I feel very alone and very sad right now and I'm telling myself that that's ok and it makes sense and that I don't have to change it or ignore it or push it away.  I am sad.  And hurt.  And lonely for what is gone.