But They're So Happy

A winter storm hit much of the United States (and parts of Canada although maybe not the same storm, I didn't really look into it) last week and people were posting the fun/cute/silly videos of their winter-type dogs who did NOT want to come in from the freezing cold and snow.

What I found myself thinking as these dogs clearly revel in the temperatures they are built for.... are they then not miserable the rest of the time?

Like are these dogs spending their lives overheated or too warm and these rare snowstorms are the first time they feel comfortable and normal?

Or am I overthinking it and it's just novel for them.

Or maybe a bit of both.

I just... this is the first time it's made me kind of sad to think about these animals being so happy in the cold and snow therefore maybe being less happy the rest of the time. 

Wishing For A Normal

It's taken me a while to put together the words that *maybe* describe how I feel but here goes.....

I am struggling with a lot of "lack of normal" in my life right now.

Things with Jason aren't how they have been for a decade.  They're not normal or comfortable or usual.  This is an awful lot to deal with.

Things in the outside world aren't how they were for most of my adult life.  They're horrific and not comfortable and scary and I'm in a constant state of bracing for worse.  *This* is an awful lot to deal with.

Stuff happened in my family last week, and it's positive (I feel) and I'm happy about it but it's a big shift (not sure if/when I'll talk about it) but it's not normal or comfortable or what I've known all my life and this is an AWFUL lot to deal with.

There's not a lot of normal/regular I can sort of sink into right now, and I need that grounding sort of feeling.

I can distract for a while with "normal" things (work, groceries, exercise, shows) and that's good but the rest is hovering in the background just... there.  Waiting for me to slip up in my distraction attempts.

So yeah, there isn't a lot I can ground myself with right now because this is a lot of change and a lot of new and a lot of not good/not comfortable/not ok.

"This too shall pass" they say and I'm sure things will eventually settle for me in one or two of those areas but wow, sometimes I really do understand why people "numb out" with substances.  Life can really be unsettling and a lot, eh? 

Notes

Things are SO heavy right now.  Sure, in my personal world, but also in the larger outside world (I'm looking at you most of all 'Merica) and I wanted to sort of not get into all of that so I picked up my "potential blog posts" sticky note to see if something there wanted to be told and um, I wonder what I meant by *protein "gospel".

Because I can guess at what I was maybe going to talk about with regards to protein (getting more of it in my day to day) but "gospel"?  Like, why is it in quotations?  Did I mean the people who are pushing protein into all the foods these days?  Or how protein seems really popular right now?  Did I at some point find someone like talking as if they were selling a gospel about protein?  I don't know!!!!

The notes make sense to me at the time, absolutely.  But clearly after a while whatever I was thinking slips from my mind and leaves me scratching my head.... protein "gospel"... hmmmm....

So, yeah, I picked up the sticky and then put it back down because the only things I felt like I wanted to talk about where that and "oven mess" which... maybe later.  (It was important at the time, clearly!) 

When Talking About The Weather Isn't Small Talk

The weather last week was gorgeous.

It was delightfully bright and sunny and there wasn't much of a wind (if any) which meant that while it was chilly (and cold at night) the days were amazing.  I still bundled up to go outside mind you but I really noticed that having that bright sun all day did help my mood.

There's just something great about looking (or being) outside and seeing brightness.  It feels lively.  And for me (you know how I am) not having to deal with heat and overheating while getting sun is AWESOME!

So yeah, the weather (which will change this week to rainy and overcast again) this last week made a difference, I think, for me and I'm very grateful for that.

Yay winter sun!  You rule!  

Oh and I was talking to someone who is new to Canada and they mentioned how odd everything looked in the morning when all white and crispy! (Covered in frost) So that was a cool reminder, to see it through the eyes of someone who'd not seen frost before.  

And double oh, *knock on wood* but my current winter blanket set up at night has been keeping up with these cold but not OMG COLD nights, yay! 

Twenty Twenty Twenty Four Hours To Go

I don't know if other operating systems do this but Apple has a feature where you can have it tell you how much time to spent on your device(s) in the previous week.

I get my updates on Sunday morning and am usually quite chagrined at how much time I'm spending on my laptop/phone.

But yesterday, the notification told me that my screen time last week was "up" and that my screen time last week had been 24 hours each day.  

Which?  Um... no.

I mean yes, I feel I am on my devices too much, but I am absolutely not on them 24 hours a day!  I mean...no.  It was quite a funny surprise to see actually because it then made me realize that the screen time notifications I've been receiving may not be as accurate as I assumed.  

Which made me wonder what is maybe running in the background convincing my laptop it's being used when it's not.

I don't shut my laptop (my last laptop had issues after a few years because of being open and shut so I'm a little paranoid about it and just either let it or put it to sleep when I'm not using it) when I'm done with it and this must be allowing something to run in the background.

I did just poke around in "Screen Time" and the numbers I'm getting from the browser I use are actually more hours of "usage" than there are literal hours in a day so yeah something's fucky.

I don't love closing my browser completely as it then forces me to re sign in to ALLLL the things so I'll maybe take a look and see if I can find a fix for that but yeah, I promise I'm not on my laptop or phone 24/7, you know?  Heh.  (And no I don't sleep with any devices so it's not that either.  Everybody stays in the other room when I go to bed.) 

That's a Nope

Sometimes (like last night) my body "refuses" to swallow a pill/vitamin.

The relevant background info is that I can NOT swallow a pill just with water, never have been able to, have tried all the tricks and suggestions, so I have to chew up some food (and not all food works, so bread is the "best" chance) and stick the vitamin/pill into the food and then not think about it and swallow the food lump and vitamin/pill with it.

But!  Sometimes I just can't get it down, even when all the other vitamins went down one just won't.  Over the years I've come to accept (or believe?) that that's my body saying I don't need/want any of that right now.  So I'm trusting my body's wisdom when it is impossible to swallow a vitamin pill.  

All this to say, last night I didn't take my magnesium pill and that's just that.  (I tried.... it was a nope) 

Some Processing I Guess

I had a not great dream that my alarm woke me up from this morning.  Which (the alarm going off) kind of made things worse.

So this was a morning dream and in it I had reconnected with my high school person.  He was kind of a crush but also not but we were close in the way teenagers can be (through phone calls late into the night and such) and I probably kind of liked him but we were both shy and so nothing happened.  We've reconnected a few times over the years via email or text or whatever but I haven't seen him since we were teens.  

Well he showed up on my dream last night.  We connected and reconnected and it was romantic (not just platonic) and felt SO so good and right and amazing.  This part of the dream was great.  Then there was another woman there?  (No idea how or why of course, it's a dream after all!) and to me it felt like they were maybe flirting?  And this made me really uncomfortable.... and then he offered to walk her out and I just knew something was going to happen (a kiss) and so I was SO hurt and devastated and before he could come back inside and before I could ask him if a kiss had happened and get some resolution about how uncool that had been and I was probably going to move on from him and us, my alarm went off.

So I never got the resolution I might have had the dream continued.  Sigh.

I still woke up hurt and sad and broken hearted and we can probably guess that this isn't *technically* about him but still.... it was nice to have the happy for a while I guess....? 

A Semi Redacted Summary Of Sorts. Kinda.

A couple of years ago Jason got a job in his field of work (after a long time of being underemployed) in a location that unfortunately exposed him to a lot of trauma and hard stuff that got to him.  He also went through an inordinate amount of personal loss and these things combined and sort of ganged up on him and his mental health got worse and worse until he and his doctor (mainly his doctor TBH) decided he wasn't able to continue on and pulled him from work.

(This is similar to what happened with me but for different (?) reasons in a different field of work.)

This whole situation was hard on our friendship because the friend I'd come to know, and more importantly RELY on for the last 8 or 9 years was no longer quite there.  I mean sure in body, but in spirit, soul, energy and mind?  No.

As hard as this was on him, this is my space and so my focus will be on how this was hard on me.  (Sorry that that feels selfish... as my mother might say blogging and social media is inherently self centered... so... here we are.)

He and I talked quite openly and honestly about how his mental state would impact his ability to "be there" for me but he said he'd try and I said I understood and would try to lean less heavily on him and take more care of myself as best I could.

Things did not improve.  He kept losing friends and loved ones.  I kept trying to reduce the amount of support I asked for.  But it's not as if I was magically feeling delightfully better.

There are no set dates but close to a year ago I started sort of pulling back for my own sake.  Rather than us FOR SURE seeing each other on my Friday (my last day of work for my part time work right now) there would be weeks where I didn't feel like it so we'd adjust or not see each other that week at all.  (Which means a change in my eating and feeding myself - not having a home cooked meal and leftovers from him at least once a week.)

In the last few months it feels like the state of the world has impacted him in some severely negative ways (I won't get into the why but there are reasons why) and he's been more and more negative to be around, which I can't handle very often.

For months now I've been unable to rely on him for much of anything.  I don't have him to call and talk to when I"m struggling.  This has been a huge change and loss for me.  Huge.  I can't overstate that.

And since the issue at the start of December, we haven't spent hardly any time together and only seem to talk when he's had a few drinks and needs to vent.  And I've had to put up boundaries around that (that he sometimes ignores and I then have to reinforce) because I'm struggling myself and can't handle the venting and the way he vents as it sets me off and triggers huge anxiety for me.

So December was awful for us, or for me I guess.... and we had just started to sort of find a peace again and we hung out for a bit on Christmas day but then his friend ended his life and Jason has not been anywhere near ok since then.  In sometimes frightening to me ways.

I've talked with counsellors about what's going on but it's not helping and often upsets me more than helps in any way.  I know I can't *fix* him and that's a good thing and I'm not really even trying.  I have tried to support him as I could, like making sure he's eating and I've popped in from time to time to say hi but not hang out and I'm doing my best to trust his health care team but I am S T R U G G L I N G with the change and the shift and the total loss of my friend that I've had and relied on (even if imperfect and hard at times) for more than ten years. 

I don't know where things will land.  I have worries.  Large worries.  A counsellor said it sounded like I felt my life feels like a "chinese finger trap" right now and I guess that's accurate.  I really feel stuck.  I can't comfortably completely pretend Jason doesn't exist right now.  But having him in my life right now is pretty awful.

I don't really have anyone to talk to about this as Jason is the person I've talked to about ALL the things for a long while now.  I can't handle the sort of normal-world judgment I know most will have if I attempt to explain the ins and outs of things and I know that when I'm in a very bad spot and/or a panic that I just am desperate for help but then if I talk to someone at that time, once I calm down a bit I'll regret the things that I said and so I... don't.  There isn't anyone to talk to about this.  Not like I'd talk to Jason about it were he ok/himself.

I do have an online friend (through the Burning Man community) who has been very helpful and talked me down a good few times but man I feel bad about that and so don't want to be a burden but she assures me it's not and I'm not.  But also I know I need to get through the anxiety and stress myself and to grow from this.... whatever this is.

I am also working at sort of... extracting my things and stuff that are wrapped up in Jason and his place (I have no storage at my place so some of my stuff is there and it stresses me greatly to think about dealing with that... as an example.)

I've never been married, but I'm imagining that this is how awful divorce must feel for people.  You're losing your person.  Your go to.  And your lives are intertwined financially and physically and so there's so much loss and change and work there too.

I know I didn't lose someone the same way Jason did but I have absolutely lost here.  This intense friendship isn't there anymore.  I'm not sure it will recover.  But even if it does I need to make changes so that I'm not this devastated by all the things he may or may not go through.  

I don't know.  I don't feel like I'm being clear.  (And I've been interrupted by two phone calls while typing this so I keep losing my overall train of thought.)  

TL;DR - I'm not ok and I don't have my friend around anymore who has helped me all the other times I've not been ok and it's really not ok and I"m struggling.  

Ewww... Ohh?

So you probably know that I have a mild amount of tolerance for spiders in my place.

And you've probably heard my stories about spiders who cross over my personal boundaries and are then escorted elsewhere (but kept alive.)

Other than occasionally getting annoyed at webby type messes I have to clean up in places I don't see that often (behind things, around the back of things... wait, that ended up being the same thing which isn't what I meant) as long as you're not in my face or in my "nope" spaces, you're fine and I'm not annoyed (if a little wary.)

Well last week something happened or I *think* it happened anyway.  This apartment building has silverfish (most if not all do around here) and I do not like them. They are not something I co-habit willingly with but I know they're around and I know there could be more (thanks spiders in part I think?) 

I was wandering towards my bathroom when I noticed something on my (pale cream) wall.  I looked at it before immediately wiping it away as I was curious if it was a silverfish that needed squished but when I got close (but not TOO close) it looked like it was a silverfish but *off* of the wall as if it had been caught in some webbing (that I was unable to see) and so I left it there, quite proud of whichever spider pal laid the trap that caught the icky thing.

The next day I looked in the same spot to see if the thing was still there and it wasn't, but there WAS something else close to it... hmmm.... I bend down to take a look and what I THINK I saw was a now mummified silverfish waiting to be eaten by whichever spider wrapped it.  GAH.

I was admittedly uncomfortable with this but also wanted to encourage, you know... life and nature, and also yes please do keep on eating silverfish but also I... uh, didn't like seeing this... thing (and thinking about the death and gah and eating and ahhh!)

I left it for as long as I could (most of the day) and then eventually was like "you know what, I don't want to keep staring at this dead body so I think I'm going to remove it, sorry spider bro/ette" and so I got a piece of paper and as I approached the thing I wondered if maybe it was just a speck of dust and not a mummified bug but I was kind of weirded and grossed out anyway so without really looking I took it off the wall and put the paper and item into the trash.

So now I'm not sure if I saw a mummified silverfish at all but I'm pretty sure there was one caught the day before so I don't not know.

But yeah... I hope that the spiders that are hanging around are nomming on the dudes that I don't like and don't want in my place.

But also I don't want to think about it too too much so yeah.  There you go. 

Um, So Yeah

So things have not been good or easy around here (here meaning my mind/brain not, you know, the absolute mess the world also happens to be in... sigh) for the last few months and just when I thought things might have been lightening up they got worse.

Worse for Jason, really which all things considered means worse for me.  Yes, yes, I know, someone else's feelings and upset "shouldn't" bother and upset me but they do (yes counsellors have mentioned co-dependence as a potential issue here) and that's just what I'm dealing with right now. 

So because Jason has been incredibly not ok I have been incredibly concerned and stressed and worried and beyond anxious.

And this is all on top of all the things about our friendship I was just about to maybe start talking about here.  But yeah, things are NOT GOOD right now.  (I'm writing in a half decent mood/time though so yay for that at least.)

The weather shifted here a couple of days ago and we've gotten more seasonably appropriate temperatures (I'm still not back to full winter bedding though... go figure) and the sun has come out (these two things are related as the rain clouds keep the heat in... in non scientific terms) and the difference seeing that sun makes is immense.

(Trying hard not to mention summer here but just quickly... sun without stifling heat is always lovely..... just saying.)

Because I'm in a decent enough mood at the moment I sat myself down to try to write which is how we ended up with this post that I'm not sure says much but is at least a post, you know?

I've had some REALLY hard/bad/rough/awful moments.  But as my counsellors would want me to point out.... I'm here and I'm dealing with them.  (As much as it sucks at the time to have to do so.) 

It Was A Feeling Of Absolute Terror

Things have been really stressful for the last six plus weeks and my body clearly is trying to find ways to discharge that stress.

For example... I woke up in the middle of last night in a dead panic.  Like an INSTANTLY AWAKE SIT UP PURE PANIC. 

My entire system was flooded with intense adrenaline panic.

Why?

Because my teddy bear, which is one of two (it's not) had been stolen and the fake rubber one was in my bed.  (The only one I have was in my bed.) 

I reached out and touched the fake (in this state of mind) teddy bear and let myself wake up enough to realize that I only have the one bear and that it was still in the bed and so everything was fine and then I put myself back down and must have eventually gotten back to sleep.

But in thinking about this... what a wonderfully gentle way for my body and brain to freak out.  

I've had more than a few "teddy isn't ok" dreams over the last while (year or two) and I'm not entirely sure why (not really needing to analyze it but I probably could.. something something security... something something childhood, I don't know) but it's what my brain is sending me in the middle of the night as a high stress situation... that teddy is missing/stolen/wrong/gone.

I've had teddy all my life, I do hope I will have him for the rest of my life.  I really hope no one ever breaks in in the middle of the night just to steal him but this thought is something my brain is really very stressed by.

And wow, I do not remember ever having that intense of a fear wake up before.  Yikes.  That was rough.  

Oh Life....

More often than I'd like to admit, when I sit myself down to try to write a few posts, my brain starts with "oh life" because I mean Oh.... life... phew.  Which then causes my brain to sing "OOOOOOH Life... it's Bigger!  It's bigger than YOU and YOU are not me" (From R.E.M.'s "Losing My Religion")

Which means that just a few minutes ago I indulged this ear worm and flipped over to YouTube to watch the video.  (It's a great video.)

Which made me think about how many of us grew up with these magic, truly amazing mini video movies that came along with our songs and our music and how those videos, like WATCHING the performance of it was part of how the song ingrained itself into our minds and memories.

I'm sure music videos are still a big thing and yes I've seen some of them of course but to me at least it feels like music videos used to be such a big thing.  And maybe it's that there wasn't a YouTube to go to.  You'd watch a show, a program and they'd show you this video and that one and debut a new one from whoever and it was a whole thing.  And yes, I know that MTV recently shut down their whatever channel or something but I was a Much Music girl anyway and whatever other stations I had access too although when I was young enough I wasn't actually allowed to watch those shows as my folks seemed to think they were trash (maybe they were) but man oh man there is some excellent art out there and honestly some songs for me were *made* by their video.  As in the video did an exceptional job of selling the song and became part of it.  

This still goes on, absolutely.  Like I've never listened to "This is America" by Childish Gambino *without* watching the work of arr that is the video.  I don't' know that I would listen to the song without the visual accompaniment.   It is a part of the story.  It IS the story.  

I believe the oldest movies were silent (no sound/talking) but accompanied by music.   This combo has been around a long while.  

I guess this is just me wanting to say I'm so grateful I had such great music growing up and into my early adulthood and that a good chunk of that had some amazing music videos to go along with it.  

Just To Say

I am not used to being this warm at this time of year. 

(And it's making me concerned not just about climate in general but this year's summer in particular.) 

Night Night

Oof I'm tired.  A very distinct "I haven't slept well in a few days" kind of tired.  

It's been warm at night.  Unseasonably warm.  Take a bunch of blankets back off the bed and even then it's too warm warm.

This doesn't help me get to deep rest.  Nor does something waking me up around an hour after I've fallen asleep.  Somehow that just throws off the entire night.

I even stayed up extra late to avoid that time of night and nope, still just don't feel like I slept well.

Back to work today, as many of us are.  (Those of us fortunate enough to have jobs that allow for that kind of thing.) Not loving that either.  I always look forward to time off in December and then I get to it and it ends up being stressful and not fun and not relaxing and this year lived up to that stereotype for sure.

Would I like another week or so off?  Of course, who wouldn't?  (I mean that's only half a rhetorical question as I assume there are some people who look forward to going to work or maybe are neutral about it.)

I look forward to having deep, solid sleeps again because I was managing that for a the nights leading up to the last few nights.  But for now?  I'm dragging.  Missing that "I'm alive!" feeling a solid sleep gives me.  Bit of a toss up whether work will tire me out enough to sleep well or add stress to my brain and keep me from sleeping well.  Let's hope for the best eh? 

Oh and I should have said this sooner but Happy New Year.  Twenty six..... go figure. 

I Outsmarted Myself I Guess?

So I just don't feel like getting into the heavy stuff right now, so I'll tell you about the small thing that happened last night/this morning.

I sleep with a night guard.  A mouth guard.  A whatever you call it.  It's supposed to help my teeth resist the grinding/clenching I apparently do.  I've had a variation of one for a long number of years.  I kind of can't sleep without it, although some nights I have to put a softer one (that I "made" at home) in instead.

I went to bed last night, and as usual, wrote in my journal, read some of my book and then reached over to get my mouth guard and turn out the light.

But... the mouth guard wasn't there.  Hmmm.

Sometimes when I'm half awake (like whatever stage of sleep it is) I'll remove an earplug and put it under my pillow.  I don't always remember doing this but somehow I'm wise enough in that not awake moment to put the earplug somewhere I'll find it.

So that's the first place I checked for the missing night guard.  Under my pillows.  But it wasn't there.  I wondered if it had slipped down the side of my mattress or something but I didn't want to get up and lift up the mattress so I used my back up mouth guard and eventually got to sleep.  

Because I had taken something to try to help me sleep the night before (the bad news night) and so I knew I was maybe not all that together that night or yesterday, so when I woke up this morning I ripped my bed apart, flipped my mattress (to check along the sides), swept/dusted under my bed and even pulled my dressers away from the wall in case I had like thrown it weirdly or something?  (And then I had to vacuum/dust behind there too.)  

But no. The mouth guard didn't seem to be anywhere near my bed.  (I even checked in drawers.)  Where on EARTH could it have gone????  This didn't make sense.

I started thinking I might have to call my dentist to make a new one, out of pocket (since my coverage is only for a new one every few years) and that I would just have to wear the back up one until I could make that happen.

But I thought I would try checking one last place before I declared this a total mystery.

About once a week, usually on a Saturday, I put all of my mouth/teeth related things (my mouth guards, my tooth brushes, my tooth brush head) into a glass mug that lives in my bathroom and I soak them with denture cleaner.  Maybe, just maybe, I had put it in that mug?  Probably not, but worth a look I figured.

And lo and behold, there it was.

It seems that "in shock" and "on a sedative" me is still rather responsible and I had taken the night guard out, somehow realized it was a Saturday and so plopped it into the mug in the bathroom and then completely forgotten about it (I most likely went straight to my phone to see if Jason was ok) and not noticed it when I was in the bathroom at any point yesterday as it is clear and, well, cleaning my dental appliances was very much not on my mind.  

So I guess my brain still had some desire for routine yesterday morning.  And I'm honestly very glad I found it as I was completely mystified why it was not in my bedroom. I guess I was half smart, but not completely smart but I'm glad some part of my brain at least put it somewhere, even if I have no recollection of doing so.  

Wow....

I was going to write a thoughtful post yesterday (Boxing Day) about how Christmas inevitably changes as you get older, but after picking my parents up from the harbour airport and helping them set up the new technology they got for Christmas, I was exhausted and so put off the writing of that post and a few more posts about Jason and I (or whatever that may be/is/was) until today.....

And then last night as I was just wrapping things up to go to bed, Jason texted in a horrendous state that a dear friend of his had chosen to take his own life.  So needless to say I have other things on my mind today including the immediate well being of Jason (and myself, to be fair) and so I'm not sure when I will be in a space to write and talk and vent and such but it's not today.

Today is a bit of a stunner. I'm allowing myself to rest and be and reminding myself it's not my job to carry anyone else's pain.  (A hard lesson for some of us for sure.) 

Delicate

Oh.... do I keep talking about my difficulties?  Or do I leave things a little so that the days that mean a lot to a lot of people are empty, or happy, or neutral or something.

I am approaching Christmas differently this year, a little more delicately and a lot more taking care of myself-ly.  So maybe I'll give it a break.  Or write and set the post for after, because whoever may be reading may not be reading on the holidays anyway, but I don't really know what I'm saying or not saying so I'll just pretend this post didn't happen.  

Two Truths And A Lie

When I wrote that post the other day bringing up Jason and I for the first time (I think) in a long time and how I have been feeling more like I really have to admit I'm single single, little did I know that a handful of days after I wrote it (but before it actually posted... ironically) Jason really hammered home the point.

Jason, it turns out, was angry with me at something I'd said a few days earlier and to quote him I got "caught in the crossfire."

What happened was I got a text from him saying he was going to hang out with [female name] on Sunday.  I replied "ok and I need to know this why?" (I'm not in the best mood these days either as it turns out.)

He then went on to tell me that he's had a crush on her for 20 years and finally asked her to be his and is going to start dating her.  And that he was letting me know right away since I'd asked him to do so if/when he was planning on starting to date/see someone.  That much is true.

I was stunned and confused, because usually when we're hanging out or chatting there is mention of whatever gal he's talking to and this was not a name I knew.  So I called, to clarify, already pretty damn upset and probably in some variation of shock and hurt.

He picked up, I could tell he'd been drinking, but I still asked him what on earth he was talking about.  He clarified that yes he was going to start dating this person and was letting me know as requested.  I was devastated.  Told him I'd be by the next day to pick up my stuff and when he questioned me on this I realized I was being pretty reactive so I backed down and said "picking up the packages I had delivered there."  Because no good was going to come out of a non sober person and a very very hurt and upset person hashing things out right in that moment.  So I ended the call and went straight in to an absolutely terrible panic attack devastation type awfulness.

Part of the problem, of course, is that he is who I have turned to when I'm not ok for the last decade or so.  And you can't turn to the person who IS the problem to help you with that problem.

But also, I realized that it was really interesting timing seeing as I'd just written, but not yet published a blog post saying I was single and this relationship wasn't a relationship at all really and here he was unknowingly letting me know I was right.

It hurt.

I felt pretty desperate and didn't know what to do or who to turn to.  The people I maybe could have called would most likely have been more judgmental  of the situation than I wanted to hear right in that moment.   But I felt like I needed to talk to someone... that it would ground and settle me a bit.

I think I talked to an AI chat bot on my meditation app for a bit (I have huge moral and environmental issues with AI but that's not the point right now) but that got frustrating (it's a beta model FWIW) and so I reached out to a friend on a social media site who has talked to me about her complicated and complex relationship with her now ex.  It helped.  We type-talked for ages and she was calm and comforting and didn't judge but also asked great questions and noticed that I REALLY wanted to avoid my feelings so she reassured me that it was valid that I was hurt and that I should let myself feel that hurt.  

Jason, meanwhile, had sent some more texts (I have a boundary that we do not talk or text when he is drinking so I was not replying to those texts) and his last one was mean.  This was even more hurtful.

Shortening the story somewhat, I didn't hear from him the next day, nor did I reach out because every time I went to text him I saw that mean/unkind text and it hurt.

I was miserable at work (this happened on a Sunday, so the Monday was a hard day... I didn't really sleep, etc etc) but got through it.  On the Tuesday I knew I wanted to talk with him and let him know that this was a conversation that should have happened while he was sober and that the unkindness he levelled at me wasn't ok.  I messaged him at the end of my work day and asked if I could stop by.  He replied, so over I went.

I tried to be calm but firm and the first thing I asked was "so who are you dating exactly?" and this is when he replied with "no one"  "I was in a really bad mood and you got caught in the crossfire."

Well it was like a weight was lifted off of me that he's not actually actively dating but I told him that this meant we had a whole other problem.  And for myself although there was relief at this there was also the realization/understanding that a fundamental trust had been broken.  A lie told to hurt.  Even if inebriated at the time, it crossed a line for me I think.  (Plus the hurt of thinking it was real is a situation I will likely have to deal with at some point in the future.)

Long story quite short, he apologized and said it was a low blow and that he had said that to purposely try to hurt me (he's never done that before which is a sign to me of how not ok he really is) and that he is not handling life right now and so really not coping and not ok.

In some ways I wish he'd told me this a while ago rather than trying to cover it up and "protect" (?) me from his mood and state of mind.  Because I didn't know I was asking too much by saying I missed the way he used to be (checking in on me when he knew things were tough and asking about my day and things like that.)  The other thing I realized in the conversation we had is that while I'm maybe able to check in on others while I'm at my worst, he is not.  And I can't expect that from him (or anyone else I suppose.)

I booked an "emergency" (as in unplanned) counselling appointment for myself to talk about not what Jason might need but how I can be less impacted by him and his moods and upset and how I can continue to give myself emotional distance from him and all that kind of stuff, but in a lot of ways this maybe really feels like the final nail in the "are we or aren't we" coffin.

The devastation I went through when I thought he was starting a new relationship was too much.  Like the thought I had was "how many times can this guy break up with me?" and the truth is he did, once, a long time ago.  The rest is on me.  (Which is what I'd like to dig into in this counselling session... I should probably make notes before I go in eh?)  I am always hurt when an ex gets married or something, I just am, but this was way too upsetting and I can't have so much of my mental well being tied to someone else.  Especially when that someone else is at their lowest/worst/whatever we're calling it. 

Now this feels like pretty heavy stuff for the week leading into Christmas but hey, that's just how life goes sometimes eh?  Jason, historically, has had a really rough go of it in late Fall/early Winter and has, for the past few years, called me and utterly ruined my day with some drunken anger and I was hoping to avoid that this year (I told him back in October I was terrified of it happening again this year, which is part of why I have been hammering home the fact he can NOT call me if he is having a drink or more) so perhaps this *incident* was this year's version of that, but whatever it was it wasn't ok on his end and it wasn't ok on my end and I don't really know how to move forward from here.

It's True Though

I know I've been saying this a lot since 2020, but wow did this month really fly by.  (Maybe the advent calendar counting down the days helps make the time passage more obvious but yeah.... it was the middle of the month like *that* last week.)

As we have arrived at Solstice, I'd like to wish you all a very happy yule and a very happy winter and a very happy shortest day of the northern hemisphere year.  Here's to winter and cozying down with blankets and books while we watch the days get ever so slightly longer.

Happy Solstice.  

It's Not A Large Place!

I lost two things in my apartment this week.  Which always baffles me when it happens because I do not live in that large of a place so how on earth could it have just disappeared!?

I did find both of them, mind you... the one, was a small item I was returning and I had gone with it to my "shredding" machine (where I store my receipts until I'm ready to shred a bunch of things) and I had placed it down to sort through the receipts and then walked away because the receipt wasn't in there.  So I guess really I'd lost *two* things at this point.  But I found the receipt in my kitchen (I hadn't moved it to the machine bin yet) but then couldn't find the small item where it should have been (in the kitchen, on a counter, by the door, nothing!) until I went back into my bedroom for something else and found it sitting on the floor next to my open closet.  Scatterbrained move I guess... overly distracted and not paying attention?

And then the next thing was my hot water glass/mug that I drink, well, my hot water out of.  It's a tall, double uhhhh paned?  That's not the word, it's double walled glass drinking container that I drink hot water out of.  It wasn't on the counter where it lives (for the cold seasons).  It wasn't in the cupboard where it lives when not in use.  THERE IS NO WHERE ELSE I PUT THIS THING?????  It wasn't anywhere I sit - not on a table or a counter or a side board.  It had just... disappeared?

Until some part of my brain thought to just maybe check the dishwasher, where it was sitting quite happily waiting for me to take it out after the last wash.  I guess I had taken all the other things out but not seen the seet-hrough glass at the far back end of the top rack.

So yeah, I'm maybe not "losing" things but I'm certainly not excelling at finding them when I need to.  Heh.