Nothing is Ever Easy *

I had to work with this guy the other week that I found extremely attractive. My co-worker rolled her eyes and laughed when I pointed out that I had been grouped with the most attractive guy there.

This fellow and I were both very professional about things but as the day progressed so did an obvious mutual attraction.

He had a ring on his left hand, and he talked about his two young kids but I found myself stupidly wondering if maybe he was divorced or not *really* married or the kids weren't his or something. Anything. Any reason that would make it possible for the two of us to form some sort of relationship.

The more time I spent with him, the more he smiled at me, the more we shared private laughs at little things, the more I found my logical brain working against me. I knew that I didn't want to be in a relationship with this man and his two kids (and wife) but I still really wanted to be in a relationship with him.

Maybe in some other lifetime things would have been different, but I left at the end of the day honestly disappointed that I couldn't know more about him and be with him in a decent relationship. It was a very strange experience all-round and I'm not doing justice to the feelings and emotions I was having. At the end of the day, we shook hands and I needed to look away. I walked away from him even though I didn't want to, and I found myself wondering what he was thinking as he watched me when our group thanked his for their time.

When I talked about flirting a couple of days ago, this kind of thing wasn't on my mind. This wasn't creepy or sleazy. It was just there. There wasn't really flirting, but there was indication of mutual attraction. Strong. Confusing. Not helpful.

It sure as hell left me wondering what it's all about.




*A quote from a character in one of my favourite books.


P.S. I posted this and then I recinded the posting almost right away. (That's totally not the right use of "recind" but I really felt like using it so.. yeah) The reason is that after I wrote this post I realized I'd forgotten to add something. I think one of the reasons I found this whole experience so .... confusing is that this guy really reminded me of my ex. Something about him, some trait, some way of moving or maybe the way he looked at me just felt so ... like my ex. I think that may have been one of the reasons I got so muddled up. And why I felt so strongly towards this guy. I think a lot of me was reacting to that feeling of familiarity. And, quite possibly, I was attracted to the feeling more than the person.

So.. there you go. A post-post babble.