Friday, 31 August 2007

Seeing Red


I often find myself thinking about my first fight with Smith.

Back when he first came out to visit, we were cleaning up in the kitchen after lunch, (or maybe breakfast, because long distance relationships mean instant living together) when I stopped him mid-putting a bread bag into the garbage.

"I, um, usually put those into recycling" I said.

"OK," he replied, half bent over (um, hello butt) "but these aren't recyclable."

"Sure they are. I put them in with all my other plastics all the time. They've got a code on the bottom." I shrugged, watching his arms flex under the cutest burgundy shirt I've ever seen as he crumpled up the bag.

"Well, then, you're just causing problems for the recycling guy. These things aren't recyclable. They have to go into garbage." He said, chucking the bag into the garbage.

I remember feeling annoyed that he might be right while being certain he wasn't, but there was also a nearly visible flash over my head as I realized what an awesome thing it was to be fighting about recycling.

My brain was so happy that Smith cared enough to actually notice what went into the garbage/recycling and that our first disagreement was about something environmental. An enlightened man? Eeeee!

I still don't know where to put my soft plastics, by the way, and Smith and I went on to fight, or disagree, or spat, or whatever, about way too many things the next time he came out. I don't remember what our last fight was about, but I can guess it had to do with people moving. Or not. We may have fought too much, I don't know.

So what about you? What was your first fight with your current Significant Other about? And what was your latest?

What's a fight in your view in a romantic relationship? And how do you decide if you and your partner fight too much?

Does anyone out there not fight?

16 Comments:

Blogger Laura said...

I think it's unhealthy not to fight at all in a serious romantic relationship. You're bound to disagree on some things, after all, you're two different people with different opinions and life experiences. If you never fight, then you're just suppressing your feelings. But it's important to fight fair. Fighting doesn't necessarily mean yelling, though I don't think yelling is bad all the time. But no namecalling, no personal attacks, no dredging up past issues that have already been resolved or that have nothing to do with the issue at hand.

I have absolutely no recollection what my first fight with Chris was about and I'm pretty sure the last one was about him taking too long to change the lightbulb in the kitchen that had burned out at LEAST 2 weeks earlier.

(I know you're thinking, why didn't you just do it yourself? And I would have, but it's those huge long fluorescent bulbs and I haven't the faintest clue how to buy the right one and I'm not tall enough to change them, not even standing on kitchen chairs.)

Our fights are usually over stupid things like whose turn it is to take out the garbage or whether his boutonniere at the wedding should be a rose or an orchid, because we tend to agree on the big stuff :)

My last relationship ended primarily because I just started to realize I wasn't having fun anymore. I would dread seeing him because we fought more often than we were having fun. And he didn't fight fair, he would always bring up the same issue and attack one of my personal values that he had a problem with, no matter what the fight was about. And I always ended up screaming at him because logic wasn't working so I guess I thought maybe increasing the volume would get my message across. It never did. I think when your fights outnumber the good times and you start to have a bad feeling about seeing the other person like that, it's the beginning of the end.

Friday, August 31, 2007 1:55:00 pm  
Blogger Tod said...

We once had a massive row in the lobby of the Hilton in St Pete, Florida. It started just between us over it taking too long to check in and then eventually encompassed the front desk, people in the queue at the desk, the bar staff a bell hop and a strange man in our room.

It was like an episode of Jerry Springer.

Friday, August 31, 2007 2:12:00 pm  
Blogger Tod said...

Oh, and you know what happened after we caused all this mayhem? we got upgraded to a suite! lol!

Friday, August 31, 2007 2:23:00 pm  
Blogger The Single Girl said...

Um ... firstly you have to teach me how to do the message in the comments section.

Secondly, I am not much of a fighter. My last guy and I never had a fight, until we broke up and I called him an idiot and a chicken for not being willing to try to make it work.

Arguing is good, and healthy. "Fighting", like actual screaming, I am not down with.

TSG

Friday, August 31, 2007 2:35:00 pm  
Blogger The Duchess said...

I've been called "Ice Princess" by more than one guy because I don't yell. That's not to say I'm not in a serious disagreement, but I just don't see the point in screaming at each other.

It's impossible to go through life without ever arguing, it's just HOW you do it that can make or break the relationship.

Friday, August 31, 2007 4:19:00 pm  
Blogger MAX said...

LOL, the last fight I had with a guy ended the relationship. So... :)

But I totally know what you mean about fights being cute and even kind of sexy. It means he cares, right?

Btw, my name is Max! I JUST started a blog about being single, dating, boys, etc. I've been looking for similar blogs, which is how I found yours.

Stop by sometime! I would love to hear your feedback.

SingleVenus.blogspot.com!

Max

Friday, August 31, 2007 7:54:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Laura, first of all I totally understand about the light bulb with the chairs and the fluorescent thing and what not! ; ) Also, the thing about fun v/s not fun is important too. : )

Friday, August 31, 2007 8:05:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Tod, maybe more fights in lobbies are warranted? ; )

Friday, August 31, 2007 8:06:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

TSG, I did the comments thing in (um...) settings under comments? I think. Let me know if you can't find it kay?
I'm not sure I'm much of a fighter either, but I certainly was with Smith and I don't know if that's our relationship or just me.
Also, I'm not really sure what I think of as arguing or fighting. I think maybe what some see as a mild spat I see as a fight. *shrug*

Friday, August 31, 2007 8:08:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Hey Max! Relationship ending fights, uh oh! I think I had one of those but the relationship dragged on for another couple of weeks. d'oh.

I'll come check out your blog sometime for sure! : )

Friday, August 31, 2007 8:11:00 pm  
Blogger Tyler Durden said...

I hate arguing like most guys. Girls (or at least the crazy girls that I date) do not let something like common sense get on the way of a perfectly good fight.

Fights also have to last for ever and affect my sex life (that's what my last post is about btw), since most girls (or again, the freaks that I date) do not believe in makeup sex. You have to fight for a couple of days and then FINALLY everything goes back to normal.

It's way too annoying.

So as one of the only single guys reading this blog full of single female readers, here is the advice from a single guy:
You can say "I'm sorry, I made a mistake"
You can say "That makes sense Tyler, you are right"
You can say "I didn't see it from your point of view, Tyler, and I am wrong.
You can say "let's agree to disagree".
You can say "who gives a crap?"
And last but not least you can say "How 'bout we have dirty nasty sex the rest of the afternoon?"

Friday, August 31, 2007 10:30:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Sounds like you've been dating the wrong girls Tyler... :/

Friday, August 31, 2007 10:39:00 pm  
Blogger HamiHarri said...

I laughed a little when I read the last part "Does anyone out there not fight?" OF course couples fight! My sister tells me that her and her hubs never fight - lies I tell you, lies! They may not have screaming matches, but sulking off and giving the silent treatment is not always the better option (JMO).

For some of our pre-marital counselling we read "Divorce Busting" - although parts of the book were a little blah, I really believe the parts when the book talked about fighting styles in terms of resolving issues. As long as couples can relove issues productively, it is OK to have the odd screaming match - or even to argue often...as long as the issues get resolved :)

I think one of our first fights was about what Fast Food Joint to go to - Wendy's or McD's. I figured that because I lived in the country and didn't have access to fast food, I should get to choose whenever I was "in town" - he lived in town...lol...clearly this wasn't fair, becuase I think he only went to fast food joints when I was in town! LOL...

Our last arguement was probably last night when one of our dogs peed outside on our patio - she has started doing this lately and it is so annoying and gross, and we don't catch her doing it, so my fiance said to keep the patio closed...well, our other doggie loves to lounge out there in the sun, so I couldn't not let him out. When the fiance got home he kinda raised his voice about me "letting" the dog pee on the patio - when I didn't "let" her - I'm sure you can imagine how the argument ensued....lol...good times Makes me think of future parenting arguements...

Friday, August 31, 2007 11:06:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

HH, I wonder now if couples who say they don't fight have a different definition of "fight"? Maybe yes, maybe no...Sure would be an interesting study though! Because, yes, I see a sulk as a fight too! ; )

I think maybe Smith and I were squabbling over little things because we had a big couple of issues that we weren't dealing with, does that make sense?

I love your fight stories, peeing dogs and fastfood sound like fun to me!

But, um, not at the same time of course! ; )

Saturday, September 01, 2007 11:20:00 am  
Blogger Delton said...

Yeah, fights suck. I do my best to avoid them, but somehow I get dragged into them anyway. I'm more of the mindset to say, "Hey, whatever. Look, something shiny!" And then just leave it at that. Unfortunately, I am usually the recipient of the silent grudge instead. By resolution time, I've already forgotten why she's pissed at me!

Also, yeah, you're not supposed to put those bags into the recycling. A lot of stores are setting up things to collect plastic bags though. You'll have to do a little research to figure out the right place to take them, but there should be facilities somewhere near you.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007 10:25:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

I've got a place for my plastic bags, it's the "other" plastic I'm wondering about now Delton. Like the "bag" my crackers come in and stuff like that. We have pretty good recycling pick up here so I may just call that company and ask : )

As for fights, maybe it's a personality thing sometimes, or maybe it's a man/woman thing... who knows?

They're icky either way.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007 8:22:00 pm  

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