Monday, 25 February 2008

Ok, Where Were We?

So, quick re-cap, sports fans...

I decide to be single forever and ever after I try to get back on the proverbial horse after a breakup and discover that the proverbial horse sucks at which point I get asked out by a former co-worker and a guy my friend kind of knows. Following?

Me neither.

So I throw caution to the wind (hello, it's cliche day, how are you?) and decide, what the heck, I can hang out with a guy for a few hours, can't I?

After a few friendly emails, I gave runner guy my phone number and we decided to meet up. I thought a walk would be a fair thing to do so we did just that and went for a walk one Saturday.

It was fine. I was nervous. Very.

We hung out for a while afterwards and talked and I told him that while I really wasn't interested in the whole "dating" thing, maybe we could hang out. He said that would be fine and we left it at that.

As he was leaving, it struck me that it had been a fairly similar first date to mine with Smith. Casual, talking, nothing fancy. The thing that now freaks me out, quite honestly, is knowing that after spending just a few hours with Smith, I was inviting him into my bed to sleep with me. (We'll spare the gory details, shall we?)

It didn't seem wrong at the time, I've pretty much always, in the past gone from 0 - 60 really quick with guys. Maybe not "Hi, my name's Victoria, would you like to come see my bedroom?" but close enough.

Not that I've been with that many guys, really, but I've always been physical first and asked questions later. It hasn't worked well for me.

I'm sure there's some psychiatrist out there who could tell me the deep seeded reasons I have for doing this, but to be frank about it, I think I've just too quickly given in to... well, hormones, really. Lust, my Mother would probably call it.

And maybe there's nothing wrong with that, that's not my debate to make. I just know that once I've been intimate with a guy, I'm emotionally involved and in the past it's made it hard to end things, even when I knew in my gut I should.

I'm not really being clear, I know. It's just that I've always gone for a physical attraction and followed that up, believing that an intellectual, spiritual, human connection would happen later as we got to know each other. And, usually it did. But it also meant I found myself in relationships with people I really didn't know very well. And looking back on it, I'm glad things worked out as well as they did.

It's hard though, I'm a very physical person. I like touching and snuggling and all that other stuff. I just also know that I need to value myself and my body and my sexual....ness? enough to hold off until I have some trust with a person and am sharing something meaningful instead of just going at it because it feels good, so to speak.

But anyway, massive digression aside... I've hung out with runner guy a few times now and that's all I really have to say about it for now. Or for a while. We'll see.

I still haven't really responded to the former co-worker guy and am not really sure what I'll say. My brother always tells me to have two guys on the go at once. I'm not sure I can even handle not-dating one guy, never mind two. But these things have a way of working themselves out, so we'll see.

We'll just have to see.


Blogger dilling said...

You know what? The co-worker guy made you wait until he was ready/available/whatever. He can hang for a while...fair is fair. I still think your instincts are telling you something about him...if only we knew what, hmmmmn. Why do they never just speak out loud?

Monday, February 25, 2008 9:18:00 am  
Blogger Jenn said...

Maybe waiting is the best option - just wait and see and let whatever is going to happen work it's way out - maybe in having to be patient there will the blessing of not having to worry about the physical aspect so much.

Monday, February 25, 2008 9:20:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Dilling, I agree. I'm not in a huge rush to hang out with co-worker guy and he doesn't seem to be in a rush to hang out with me and that's just fine. And, yes, I do wish my instincts would send me an email or something just so I don't mis-interpret their signals! ; )

Jenn, I think that's what I'm going to try to do. Wait and see, try that whole patience thing!

Monday, February 25, 2008 7:31:00 pm  
Blogger Yvonne said...

Interesting post!
I'm the exact opposite. I need to feel that emotional/cerebral connection before I feel anything physical for someone. (Exception being Sawyer...heh)

I like the term "hanging out". Seems to lack the pressures and expectations that go along with D word. ;)

Tuesday, February 26, 2008 1:15:00 am  
Blogger Alexandra said...

I can so sympathize to that. I do make lust-driven decisions and then attempt to build a relationship on that. The approach hasn't worked out too well for me so far so I should work on changing that patten.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008 8:45:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Yvonne, hanging out does seem to take the pressures off, eh? : )

Alexandra, it's a hard pattern to change because it's so much damn fun! Know what I mean? ; )

Tuesday, February 26, 2008 6:27:00 pm  

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