Tuesday, 24 February 2009

You Know Something?

This dating thing is hard.

And I don't mean that to say that it's, like, the most challenging thing I've ever done or anything, but it's certainly tiring in it's own way.

And when I think about it, I think it's because there's not that ease of being with someone you know well. Like, when you're with your friends, there's no need for anyone to be anything other than what they are. And there's no feeling of forcing anything.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be someone I'm not and I'm not putting on a show, but I'm a good judge of people and I can tend to feel what other people are feeling so I can feel the "nervous" energy of someone and I can hear it in their voice when they're forcing a laugh and I can see it in their body language when they're not relaxed. And that's tiring for me.

And maybe some of you will say that these are signs that the person I'm dating isn't the right person, that when it's the right person things just work and just click, but I don't know that I agree.

Things were awkward with Smith and I that first time he flew out to stay, the difference being that we'd already slept with each other which gave me that feeling of intimacy. Which felt real at the time, but when I look back on it, he was still just a stranger sharing my bed.

But that's not the point, I don't think. I think the point is that now that I've hung out with this new guy a couple of times, it's such a contrast to that feeling of close connection and ease I remember from being in a relationship.

And even Bird and I had a good closeness that meant we didn't have to try (even though maybe we should have.)

It's just different.

It's different to be in a place of having to get to know someone from scratch while remembering what it felt like to be close and connected and intimate with someone.

Sorry, I'm not sure I'm making sense.

Am I?


Blogger Dugout Daisy said...

You have put into words exaclty what I've been feeling about this whole dating thing too! I am tired and I've only been on 2 dates!!! It's hard to try to get to know someone, it really is!

Thanks for this post, it has made me really feel like I'm not alone in this.


Tuesday, February 24, 2009 9:21:00 am  
Blogger Esperanza said...

I agree Daisy and Victoria I'm feeling identical at the moment with a boy I'm cutting off because really no chemistry is no chemistry end of story....NEXT :)

Tuesday, February 24, 2009 9:28:00 am  
Blogger High-heel gal said...

I totally get what you're saying. Dating is hard, that's all there is to it. And it seems that once you feel like you're getting to know someone, then they do something stupid, like stop calling you. Or say they just want to "be friends." Ugh. Dating :(

Tuesday, February 24, 2009 12:35:00 pm  
Blogger HamiHarri said...

I haven't dated in ages...in fact I don't know if I've experienced "real" adult dating (my my sweeting when I was in Grade 10). But I think I can relate to what your saying. I'm trying to meet new people and create new friendships...it is hard. You're always putting yourself out there...on edge...etc. I don't think this stops after the first date. I also don't think it has anything to do with him being the right one. It takes time to get used to each other...to create bonds.

Try to have fun with it...'cause it might be over before you know it!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009 1:09:00 pm  
Anonymous Dominic said...

Made perfect sense to me!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009 2:44:00 pm  
Blogger Elusive Butterfly said...

Yes. Everyone I have ever met and "clicked" with was through mutual friends. The other kind of dating is really hard. Meeting through friends (or work or some other common link) provides a level of preliminary screening that you don't get with regular dating. That's why first and second dates are so exhausting. I may have actually given up on dating altogether. Sigh.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009 4:27:00 pm  
Blogger Crystal Monae said...

The problem with me is that I like the newness(if that is a word)of relationships, but no one can hold my interest long enough to make it past that point. I wish that there was not the whole being on your best behavior period because that could help me to weed them out faster.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009 7:18:00 pm  
Anonymous Narami said...

I wanted to write a post about this, but I never found a way to express it that made any sense. Thanks for getting it out because now I know I'm not alone :o) After having that 'easiness' that comes from knowing someone so well in a relationship, dating is so... weird. In fact after having the first thoughts of "hey, I can date!" I am now sometimes a little terrified at the idea.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009 8:21:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Daisy, it IS hard to try to get to know someone! :)

Esperanza, that chemistry can be elusive sometimes, eh?

High-heel Gal, yeah, sometimes it seems like just when it's going well things change. But, some time it's just going to keep on going well. Right? RIGHT! ;)

HamiHarri, that's true, it's hard when you're creating those new bonds with any type of relationship.
I will try to have fun with it though :)

Well thank goodness Dominic!

EB, when you know someone through someone you also get that "stuff" you know will be in common. Even if it's only the person you both know.
But don't give up on dating altogether. Well, I won't if you won't ;)

Crystal, maybe it'd be fun to meet someone and say, right of the bat, "let's just not bother being on our best behaviour and see how this goes" I mean, who knows, right? I know, to be serious, that I always try to tell the person I'm seeing that I really don't want to deal with that kind of stuff and to not TRY to be anything.
(Cuz, really, isn't that almost like you're lying if you're always trying to be on your best behaviour?)

Narami, I'm glad I could kind of mumble my way through the post for you! And, yeah, looks like there's a whole bunch of us who are not alone in feeling like this.
It is so weird after a relationship. And freaky scary! :)

Tuesday, February 24, 2009 10:34:00 pm  
Anonymous Single Girl said...

Could not agree more. I'm feeling the exact same way right now too. Have met lots of nice guys, but there's just a level of comfort missing. I know that it's supposed to develop over time as you get to know someone, but how long should you give it? It sucks to be continually disappointed - dating IS exhausting!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009 9:11:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...


Wednesday, February 25, 2009 11:43:00 pm  
Anonymous nini said...

You are so sensitive. How deep you feel, really meaningful person i meet here.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009 7:19:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Well, thanks Nini.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009 7:29:00 pm  

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