Can't figure out if I should say I'm having a rough time of things or if I'm in a bumpy patch or what, so let me just say that things this last week have been bumpy and rough. Roumpy. But, no, "roumpy" sounds fun and this hasn't been.
Sure, I'm feeling a little sorry for myself but you'll have to indulge me on that because I do a fair amount of "Well let's just put on a smile and things'll get better!" and that hasn't helped. This week was tough.
I kind of feel like Bird's accident tilted things just enough that the whole balance got shifted into the sad; the melancholy and that maybe it's all part of the plan, the much lauded capital J Journey that we're said to be on for me to ride this out. To let the melancholy be here until something clicks.
Which I think they did this weekend, but I'm just not sure yet what to make of it.
I did have a great weekend last weekend, but the sadness (which is a sort of generalization, it's more of a pain/loss/sadness/hurt amalgamation really) of the Grey's finale and Lost finale stuck with me all week and things kept on happening to make me feel very (how do I put this?) alone. No, that's not quite right, that made me feel (and this is when it's hard to talk about work without talking about work) unappreciated and made me question myself and my seeming need to fix everything for everyone in the entire universe without them even knowing things needed fixed or asking me and holy crap did I feel awful by the end of the week.
But, to my credit, I asked a friend for help. Asked if we could get together this weekend to talk about it. Asked if she'd be a sounding board and listen and maybe hand me a kleenex or two while I cried.
And you may not know this about me, but that's a big deal for me. To have asked for support and help instead of just keeping whatever it is inside and not. . . sharing.
And then there was other stuff this weekend, a trip to Vancouver that was supposed to be fun but took a turn when my travelling companions bailed out at the last minute and the only thought I had going through my head as I headed out the door on my own was "I don't have anybody."
"I don't have anybody to do this kind of thing with. I don't have a single best friend I can call on on short notice to keep me company when I have to drive to Vancouver by myself. I don't have a boyfriend to call on the trip to talk to or to come with. I don't have anybody."
It's a thought that goes through my mind from time to time accompanied by the other hurtful thought that I'm not anybody's "person." My friends are all coupled, and so they all have their person and I'm pretty sure I've talked about this here before and been told that, no, that's not true, not all couples have their romantic partner as their main go to to talk person, but that's how it is in my world. Or at least that's how it feels.
So I went by myself and tried my best to make it ok. Had some good moments listening to a Vinyl Cafe CD that made me laugh and to the John Mayer mixed CD I must have listened to five times and I let myself eat candy and even when there was a one sailing wait when I showed up almost an hour early for the 7 and then when the 9 arrived it didn't unload for half an hour due to a "police incident" I still laughed with the people waiting in their cars and was very positive and upbeat about this all because look at me such a big girl doing things on my own and aren't I mature and, and, and, well it still felt lonely a lot of the time and there was no one to turn to for reassurance when the GPS took me down the weirdest streets ever and I thought for sure I was lost. There wasn't anyone to laugh with about it after. No one to share with.
That's a lot of it. No one to share with.
Other than you. And not that there's anything wrong with sharing with you and it does give me an outlet to do so which I appreciate, but you're not here and you're not able to give me a back rub when I get stressed out about missing the ferry and I can't hear your laugh and you don't kiss me like the couple I sat behind on the ferry ride home. Because of course I sat behind a new, happy couple on a weekend of fighting off melancholy and sadness and aloneness and all.
And then my friend, the one I'd asked to hang out with me? Didn't call. And I know she has a family and something probably came up but it was bad timing because it fueled the fire of whatever it was that's been on me all week.
So a long rambling post to say I'm a little bummed. Well, somewhere between a little and a lot bummed. I'm bummed. I feel like it's just me when you get right down to it and it's a sad thought to accept.
My hope is that once I accept it, there'll be a peace. Or something. Less hurt. Less sadness.
Because it is what it is.
And to leave you with what was most definitely the highlight of my weekend and two hours worth of laughing (and just the smallest bit of crying) and awesomeness, if there's any chance you can get to see the musical The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee do it. Totally do it.
I wish I'd known about it sooner cuz I'd have gone back to see it again.
Anyhow. Here's to a better week.
P.S. The Cinematic Orchestra's album "Ma Fleur" was Sunday's soundtrack. It was the exact mood I was in exactly. Hurt. Haunting. Sad. Maybe a little bit angry underneath.
Cinematic Orchestra - To Build A Home (feat. Patrick Watson)
12 comments:
You should've drove to Jersey! I had just finished my rotations and had very little to do except catch up on my tv shows! =). And I could've taken us to either Philly or NYC. Next time perhaps.
Cheer up, kiddo. You got through it and there will be brighter days ahead. Promise. This is definitely corny, but it does help (for me at least), "The sun'll come out tomorrow."
I want to say I know exactly how you feel, but I don't know if that makes it better or not.
Is it better to know you aren't alone in feeling a certain way or does reminder that other people feel that way too make it worse, since you don't want people to have to feel that way?
Was that convoluted? I think so. Anyway, *hugs*, I hope things get better for you. Lovely long days of Summer are coming and they can't but promise sunshine to relax the mind. :)
I could have wrote this myself. I know too well how you feel. If I lived on, say, the other coast of Canada, we could hang out.
ToitB, I wonder how long it would have taken me to drive to Jersey. I was in a car for about 9 hours. How close would that have gotten me? Probably not as close as in my imagination :) And, yeah, I know there are brighter days ahead, well, I strongly suspect there are anyway. Thanks.
Somtimes it does help, Likalia, to hear other people feel or have felt the same way because then I at least feel like I'm not a freak or crazy for feeling the way I do. (But, yeah, there is a small amount of bummed-ness at the fact that others have to feel crummy too)
And, yes, you're right, long sunny summer days will do a lot to help. For sure. :)
Well Nikkee, once I've driven out to Jersey to hang out with ToitB, we'll hang too ;) And, to echo what Likalia said, I'm glad and sorry that you know how I feel.
Yup, also been there. It sucks. But it does get better eventually. Not that it helps to be told that.
I think you should create a Facebook account to go with your blog - when you wanted somebody to chat to you could see which of your readers are online :)
As a stranger I would feel slightly uncomfortable rubbing your back or making out with you on the ferry. Lol! Especialy since I'm a girl and like boys for the most part. Do you look like Anjelenia Jolie at all because I could put some consideration to it then. Lol! Just kidding.
I just wanted to give you some praise about opening up to a friend. Especialy since you noted how rare and difficult this is for you. That my friend is the key for opening the door to life and people.
I also forgot to say it's OK to feel your feelings. The feelings are just that feelings. They will not swallow you up or take control of your life they are simply feelings.
I'm reading Women Food and God. Highly recommend it's awesome and I think you might get something out of it at this point in your life.
Hugs.
I stumbled across your blog randomly last night and I just wanted to say thank you. I've been learning to be single for a while now, as a fresh break from the common pattern of serious boyfriend, serious breakup, repeat, which befalls many women. Your post is how I feel on the particularly tough days. But that's what it is too, one of the tough days, not the every day, the outlier, not the median. It comforts me that other women feel the same way I do, partly because it is nice to know you're not crazy as another commenter said and also because it is nice to know that many women feel the same way and still achieve what they want from life. I know that will happen for me, and I trust that it will happen to you.
I live in Vancouver!
Next time email me, we'll be sure to keep you entertained.
I'm afraid I've promised myself not to ever set up a Facebook account Dominic, so I'll just have to find another way to get people to chat with ;)
True enough, Anonymous, it might be a bit odd having a total stranger rub my feet! I don't think I look like Ms Jolie so no luck there ;)
And thanks for the praise and reminding me it's ok to feel my feelings (I'm not always good at that,) thanks.
Well, thank you for saying so (other) Anonymous. And, you're right, it is an outlier day, not a normal, regular average day. But, yeah, we'll get where we want/need.
Should have emailed you from the extra long ferry wait Being Samiantha!
I spent two years living in Vancouver feeling a lot like you did over your weekend. Not that I felt that way all the time (okay, maybe in the beginning it was all the time) but I truly know that feeling what with knowing no one when I arrived and while I made some great friends, it's not like I had a best friend. Now, I'm all coupled up, have been pretty much since I got back to the prairies oddly enough but, and this is abig butt, I still sometimes feel lonely even though he is my best friend. I think that at a certain point in our lives we have gone through enough on our own that even when we have someone we can talk to and share experiences with we still sometimes think back to when we were alone and realize that partly, those experiences make us who we are but also that no matter how close you are with your partner, you will always have a history that did not include them so when you think back on certain experiences from pre-that person you still end up feeling a little alone.
I should point out that I'm a wee bit melancholy right now too.
Thanks for sharing Elle. *hug*
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