I know some of you have more experience than I do and some of you really like it or it worked for you and some of you hated it, maybe as much as I do and some of you are neutral or have never tried it, but here's my question, mainly for the guys out there: When you're using an on line dating site, are you "talking to" (messaging, emailing, whatever the site calls it) a bunch of different girls at once? Are you meeting with and dating a few at a time?
Because for me, the one or four people I've chosen to "talk to" on line, I've really only been messaging them and maybe one other at a time. So, when I log on to the site, I'm only answering a couple of messages and then I'm logging back off.
I get confused and frustrated when I see someone has logged on and not responded to me. Or when I answer a message someone sent and then I don't hear back from them even though they seem to be on the site regularly.
All I can figure from what I see on my end is that people are on the site and not talking to me. Therefore, I can only guess that they're talking to someone else. And/or someones else.
So is this how you blow someone off? Do you just NOT respond to their message? Is this not rude? Are these guys talking to a bunch of ladies at the same time and so they don't have the time to message me or am I just low on their priority list or, like, what is the deal with all of this?
I feel like because I don't have the rule book I'm getting annoyed by things that maybe are just normal. Or maybe I'm getting annoyed by things that are genuinely annoying and impolite and I'm fully in the right and I just don't know it.
So help me out here, if you can make any sense of what I'm babbling on about.
Oh, and did I mention how much I'm *not* enjoying on line dating? (And if you're asking the question, well then Victoria why the heck do you keep doing it? I guess the answer is, that 1. if it works just the once that's all it takes and 2. I'm curious about it all and 3. it makes me feel like I'm at least attempting to meet guys since I don't seem to be doing it in 'real life')
14 comments:
Ok I dunno bout the whole online dating thing, I did it 1.5 times. First time, met the guy hung out a few times had a couple heated moments physically, and there was nothing, guy was kinda not my type same interests just not real attraction. The other time doesn't really count I guess cause it was my now hubby pretending to be his brother (best friends with his brother but had not me said hubby yet) so i had known his family for a while. But it worked out considering I had not met him started dating online met a few months later (long distance to boot) and then we split as he joined military and I moved to Manhattan NYC for a career start...then one year later engaged 5 months later married! So it can work, and I didn't really have an interest in online dating, but if you consider it online dating it worked for me!
I'm on POF and will hide my profile from time to time too, when I find men are NOT reading my profile and message me anyways etc.
There is an unwritten code of rule and manners for online dating.
You just have to figure out what they are for YOU.
The *great* thing about online dating is that you can read the profile, view pictures etc and get a sense of the person and if you even want to read their message to you. Unread Deleted = clear signal you're not interested in chatting with that person.
Be clear what you want, cos a LOT of men are using these sites as a lazy way to get laid. Yes there are a few tartlet's out there ruining it for the rest of us.
By being clear I guess I mean being consistant about it. If you dont want to date men with kids, dont talk to men with kids etc. Little things like that. Nothing worse than building an online or in person rapport with someone to find out they've not been honest about what they want, when it clearly states it on your profile what you do/dont want.
I've been on about 40 dates in the last 3 years. 5 of those men where worthy of a second date or dating exclusively. Others have become real life friends, the remaining ones, well they just get let go.
There are plus's to online dating. You're in total control who you come in contact with. You can change your profile and location as often as you'd like, you can hide it when you need a break and still view whats out there.
Obviously it's not for everyone. Like you said, if it works out just once, its worth it.
Just remember, a jerk is a jerk, regardless of the venue you met him in.
Happy Scouting!
Well I'm not a guy but I've done a lot of online dating in past so hopefully I can help answer your questions! When I am online dating, yes I send messages to a ton of guys at once. Usually only a handful of them actually respond to the initial email. I personally think it's rude not to respond at all even to say "Thanks but I'm not interested," but I just accept that that's the way it goes and don't let it bug me.
With regards to the number I actively engage in back-and-forth email/IM conversations with at a time, I would say no more than 4 or 5. I don't engage in ongoing conversations unless I think I might be interested in meeting them in person. If I decide I'd rather not continue, I let them know, but I find that most people don't have the courtesy to do that, they just stop responding. It's easier to deal with if you just accept that that's the way it works and don't take it personally.
I don't really get irritated with someone for logging onto the site and not talking to me unless they're acting really interested when they message me, but can only be bothered to respond once every 10 times they log on or whatever. If you are at a point with someone where they seem like they want to meet up then they should make it happen quickly. How hard is it to shoot off a quick "hey want to grab a drink at 8 pm tomorrow night at Location XYZ?" before returning to their other masses of email communications keeping them so busy, you know? So that might make me lose interest.
Although I've never done online dating, several of my friends have just to try it out. They went through the same thing you did, and one of my friends would get especially upset because she knew he was online but was purposely not responding to her, but was messaging our other friend. It made her feel like something was wrong with her, but in actuality this guy was just basically trying to talk to as many girls as he could. Stupid isn't it?
One of the blogs I follow talks about her adventures through online dating, maybe you could check it out and I'm sure she'd give you some advice too since she's experienced. The web address is www.adventuresofasinglegirl.com. AND it's fun to read all of her dating stories :) hehehe
Ok Victoria I only just found your blog 5 days ago but I SWEAR we are the same person! Every single line in this post is exactly how I ponder online dating as well.
And as an unfortunate/reluctant but somewhat willing participant in online dating, I feel that it is an unwritten rule that men totally ignore you because they "just aren't that into you". (or at least that's been my experience)...because honestly, as a 30 yr old successful, attractive and intelligent woman myself I'm continually mystified by the amount of seemingly great guys just stop messaging me. I wish I had answers for ya but it seems we all have this problem...
although I have to admit I closed my online dating account last week because I really needed a break.
And by the way, did the coffee guy ever actually set up a second date or did he also fade into nonexistence?
Wow, lots to think about and ponder, you guys, thanks! :)
1.5 times, eh Canadian Girl? Hee! ;)
Samaintha, I think I have *my* code (which includes a polite "not interested, but good luck!" email instead of a complete ignore) but I think my code isn't the general code of the guys I'm running into.
Laura, I think that's what has irked me somewhat. Like, how hard is it to send of a one minute "I'd like to meet you what do you think?" email. Or a "Not interested in meeting you but it's fun talking" email. Oh well, I'm not going to take it too seriously I don't think.
Thanks for the link FSU :) And, yeah, I try not to take it personally when/if someone's not "talking" to me.
Erin, I took an online dating break too! Maybe we ARE the same person! And, yes, coffee guy did set up a second date. Post to come I suppose ;)
Vic:
I "online" dated a lot... and here is the violent truth: men on those sites are generally only looking for the ol' "in out in out".
If you want to meet the dudes on those web sites, be aggressive... they will bite, no matter what they want. The men on those sites are on those sites because they don't know how to be forward and outgoing... they are there in the hopes that you will do it for them....
There is a reason you don't like online dating. Maybe you ought to trust your gut.
http://arealgoodblog.blogspot.com
Hmm, yeah, maybe I ought to trust my gut. . .
I say you just have fun with it and see what happens. True to Charles' point a lot of them are on there for that, sadly, because so many women are willing to give it to them. However, I've seen total dogs of men fall head over heels in love. It's the same for everyone - you gotta meet the right one and don't take anything personal in the meantime, especially with dating online. Have fun! Besides, it might not work with someone, but you don't know who he knows...
Have fun and don't take it personally. . . sounds like a plan :)
I wrote out a fairly long reply, but Blogger has helpfully lost it as per fecking usual.
So here's a summary:
It's not a guy thing, it's a people thing - I've even had women I've met a few times do the "never replied again" thing.
And all this talk about tracking whether or not someone's been online since you wrote to them sounds like something out of a stalkers' convention, not a dating site. Seriously, unless you always reply to every email you get as soon as you get it, how can you have a problem with somebody you've never met failing to instantly reply to you?
(And if you DO reply to every email you get instantly, and always reply to every message you get on a dating site as soon as you get it.. to be honest, you scare me and I would move you straight to the "don't reply to this person" list when I found out.)
But maybe that's just me..
Fair enough Dominic.
You know, looking back at it, that reply sounds a lot harsher than I meant it to be.. Sorry about that, blogger losing the first reply I wrote didn't put me in the best mood for when I hurriedly re-wrote it
'S ok. It's really frustrating when you type something all out and have thought your way through it and then it gets eaten :)
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