Friday, 16 July 2010

Heart. Breaking.


I've been avoiding talking about this because I a) value the privacy of the friends I do talk about here and b) I keep hoping it won't happen, but you guys? My very dear friend C (she who requested the nickname C-dawg and keeps me laughing and sane and happy and entertained) is moving.

She's moving very soon, and I've known this day was coming for more than a year, but I've been doing my best to not dwell on it until it was here. And now it's here. And my heart is breaking.

I know, I know, she's happy and healthy and alive and well and the move will hopefully be a good one for her and her family, but it still hurts.

I'm crying even now, just thinking about it.

See, we talk every day pretty much and we hang out a lot. Sometimes it's hilarious and debaucherous (which apparently isn't a word) and sometimes it's hilarious and mellow and sometimes it's just "can you come hang out and keep me company because I had a rough day." But it's also knowing that she understands the spy-work world and that we can talk about our good and bad days and I really really don't know what I'm going to do without her here.

Yes, there's the telephone and Skype and airplane tickets and things, but it's going to be different. And it's going to be hard. And I'm trying so hard to be supportive and to remember that she's hurting too and her family's going to miss her too and it's not all about me, but that's what my blog's there for; to talk about the stuff that's all about me and you guys I'm really really sad.

Sometimes I just want to grab her and yell at her "PLEASE DON'T GO!" until she changes her mind, and well, I may have done something like that minus the yelling and grabbing but it's not fair of me to want to do that. Not more than once, anyway.

I don't want her to go and she's going and I don't want to miss her but I will and I don't want to feel like there's a big C-sized hole in my life, but there will be.

I don't like mourning and I don't like loss and I know that both are inevitable in life, but it doesn't mean I have to like them.

I wasn't going to mention anything about it here, because really, my blog life doesn't talk about my personal life 100% and I thought, well, maybe I should just keep it to myself and no one has to know any different, but now that it's here it's so big and I'm crying at everything and right now I'm really really sad. And I probably will be for a while. So I wanted to tell you, and I needed to too.

I try not to write when I'm too sad, but everything feels tinged with it right now. It's fine if I'm home, I can just cry but when I'm out in public and the move pops into my mind and the tears start it's a little more difficult. I've become pretty adept at looking away, taking a breath and stopping the tears. But I've also found myself crying and not being able to stop it in time. And everything's more intense in the sad-world. (My favourite dancer leaving SYTYCD isn't just sad, it's a ten minute sob affair. A main character being killed off in a book I'm reading isn't just a one tissue affair, it's a soaked pillow affair.) Everything's sad and I kind of don't know what to do other than just keep going.

Breaking heart and all.

8 Comments:

Blogger Being Samiantha said...

Writing when you're emotional is raw and uncensored. Usually makes for a great read and you can connect to the author on a compatible basis.

I'm not saying you should do this all the time, but don't NOT do it cos you're sad.

Excellent post, I'm sad for you. We've all been there. You'll adjust and make your friendship work the best way it knows how from a distance.

Chin up luv xo
p.s. now get your hinney over to the sticky wicket and oogle hot men! ;p

Friday, July 16, 2010 10:11:00 am  
Anonymous Dominic said...

*hug*

Friday, July 16, 2010 12:10:00 pm  
Blogger Canadianbloggergirl said...

Being a military wife I know exactly what you're going through. Knowing of other ways of communicating and staying touch at this point don't soften the blow of a friend moving away. Just get a great long distance plan! But for now, grieve, get it out....make a plan to see eachother for a weekend trip etc. It gets easier, time does heal all wounds!

Friday, July 16, 2010 1:37:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks Samiantha. And, yeah, maybe a little Sticky W. Rooftop is needed. . .

Thanks Dominic

I think military families go through so much, CBG so good for you. And, I will just keep waiting for it to get easier I guess. With a good long distance plan to boot.

Friday, July 16, 2010 3:22:00 pm  
Blogger Jonathan said...

I have almost the opposite problem - one of my closest friends lives a long way away, and always has done.

We have always wished we lived closer purely so we COULD go have coffee, instead of IM, email and SMS each other.

Saturday, July 17, 2010 11:23:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

I guess that's cool though in a way.

Saturday, July 17, 2010 11:42:00 am  
Anonymous Rebecca said...

I recently found your blog and am shocked by how much I can relate to this post. My best friend, partner in crime, and confidant is moving soon. I struggle with the same tug of war of emotions ranging from knowing the move is great for her and her family to my own sorrow regarding how I will ever survive. The hardest part is knowing that while we will always be close, our friendship will change by shear virtue of distance. I too will just keep going, I will smile, and will support my friend in her own sadness about moving...but right now I just want to cry.

Saturday, July 17, 2010 2:20:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Sorry Rebecca. It sucks and is so hard and that's all there is to it. I'm sending you a great big hug right now and any time you want to cry go for it, because I'm probably crying too.

Saturday, July 17, 2010 2:25:00 pm  

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