Learning and Knowing

Sometimes lessons sneak up on me with such stealth that I don't even know I'm learning them, occasionally forcing me to repeat things until I realize I know better. But sometimes lessons smack me in the face with their obviousness. Or maybe I smack myself with how obvious they seem, while the lesson's sitting there rolling it's eyes at me because dear lord I'm only just now getting it?

Nonetheless, there are a few things I've learned and discovered and, in a couple of cases, attempting to fix in the coming weeks.

The last week of C being here was a sad, difficult, and frustrating one. Frustrating because I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible, but also wanted to give her space to breathe (knowing the move was stressful) and wanted to give her time with her family and other friends (knowing she'd miss them all too) so there were times when I'd sit at home waiting just in case she called.

I didn't want to go out in case I missed a phone call inviting me to do something and then wouldn't be able to go. But I was frustrated with myself for waiting for something that was only a maybe.

Equally frustrating? Waiting for a UPS delivery last week. Waiting for guys in the past who've said they'd give me a call in a couple of days and then didn't. Waiting for a guy I've been chatting with to email me back.

Waiting for possibilities. Frustrates me.

I can't exactly put a name to the lesson but it's something about how I really don't like the feeling of putting my life on hold for something that hasn't been confirmed. Something nebulous. But the problem is when it's something I'm really hoping happens and I don't want to miss it in case it does.

Perhaps the lesson is "make it happen yourself then." Or "don't sit around waiting for something that only might be real." I don't know. I just know it frustrated me and wasn't enjoyable. So it's like the lesson smacked me in the face but I don't really know what to do about it.

I already knew this one, but watching it happen was interesting. Maybe because I was, for once, really able to see it in action.

I already know that I tend to eat badly when I'm upset, but the long-term sadness around C's leaving and a few other things allowed me to handle the eating pretty well.

What I was surprised by though was the buying of things I did. Sure, I'd been looking at and considering a new camera, but somehow buying it JUST as C was leaving made things feel better for an instant. Like, 'ooooh, something shiny and new and pretty and that'll make me happy!" when I knew better.

And it's not that I went crazy and bought things I didn't need. But I've got a drawer so full of new books I can't even close it. And I'm waiting on a delivery of more. I bought a giant bottle of expensive shampoo because someone told me the name of it and their hair smelled nice. I have a new mouse pad I got for work that's hilarious and (I realize now) inappropriate for work. I stopped myself from buying a Wii fit only because I'm pretty confident in my fitness routine already and didn't think I'd use it. I got some new bras that were needed, but not really (and who needs five new bras thank you very much.) So there was this sense of well, I need stuff and it'll be good to have it and I deserve a treat and it's only money and (very quietly whispered to myself sometimes) C is gone and so I'm going to buy stuff." It was weird.

Weird because I could see it happening and because I wasn't worried about it because, well, I just wasn't.

So here's where August comes in and conveniently starts itself just as these lessons and realizations and understandings have crept into my consciousness.

August is now, in my mind, known as the no-spendy-no-eat-badly, but especially the no-spendy month.

I don't need any new books. Like, ever. (Or at least for a very very long time.) And I don't need any new clothes. (And I'll have to remind myself of this one I'm sure.) I don't need any new gadgets or gizmos or cool things. And did I mention the books and new camera gear I don't need? Yeah. I don't.

So while I've been crying less in the week (oh crap has it only been a week?) since C left, I've also realized I have to stop doing all these other things too. Now it's the moving on and filling up the space with things that are good. Good people, good hobbies, good whatever. Just not the not stuff.

I'm totally aware, by the way, that this is one of those posts that doesn't make sense and rambles and well, you'll just have to forgive me for that. Blame it on the spending. Yesterday was the last of it for a while. Now I just have to wait for all those darn deliveries.

Sigh.