And Downs

I had kind of a rough Sunday.

Which was too bad, because I'd had a great Saturday full of activities and fun and sunshine and friends and good food and glimpses of cute men.

I woke up on Sunday sad and heavy. Wanting to cry. Incredibly lonely.

I had an email from C-Dawg telling me she'd had a great night the night before, that she and her husband were starting to make good friends and while I was happy for her, genuinely, it made me sad.

Sad in a way that I couldn't figure out at first. So I chatted with her a bit, those weirdly silent tears sneaking out of my eyes for the entire conversation and then I went for a walk. Walked in the sunshine down to the post office to mail her off a care package; neither the first nor the last that's been sent her way.

I realized, at some point during my wander, that it felt like finding out an ex-boyfriend was dating again. This feeling of knowing C is starting to make friends while I'm still feeling lost and lonely and like a third-wheel of my lovely, but coupled friends.

So it's good, in a way, to know that the deep, heavy hurt I was feeling this morning is more about being single and lonely and maybe a little bit about being left behind, but I reminded myself that my friendship with C-Dawg is not like a relationship with an ex-boyfriend. C and I haven't ended anything, we'll always have our friendship, it's just that right now, we can't spend time together. I'll get to see her soon, in a few months and who knows, maybe some day (oh soon, please) she'll move back here and this will all just be something we went through, something we survived.

So, yes, I miss C, and I miss having her here in town just as much as I thought I would.

But I also miss having a boyfriend and all the things that go along with that and having C-Dawg gone makes that all the more apparent, because when she was here, being single wasn't quite as lonely as it is right now. It's easier for the smallest things to tip me into sadness these days.

I'm feeling better now; my Sunday mellowed out and up as it progressed. This week should be a busy one, which, while I'm not looking forward to it, I'm hoping will distract me from things.

But until then, I'll let myself cry if I need to. I promise.