Wednesday, 23 March 2011


A while ago, a commenter asked me what I thought about something and it's been mulling over in my head ever since. Here's what they asked:

Slightly philosophical relationship/dating question for you...

Where is the line between "being happy single" and "would be happier if in a relationship"? I know we're all supposed to love ourselves and learn to be happy alone, but isn't it ok to admit that at the end of the day we all want to be loved?

And here's what I answered:

That's a great question, and probably a whole blog post in itself, but I think my short answer would be that yes, it's totally ok and normal to want to be loved and in a relationship. I think the problem comes when people say "I'm miserable single and will only be happy in a relationship." I think that's the difference. I think it's totally ok to want to be in a happy, loving relationship.

I've been thinking and thinking about how I could further answer this because I do think it's a whole blog post/long answer, but all I keep coming back to is what I already said....

I don't feel like there's anything wrong with saying that you'd like to be in a relationship or that you think your life would be even better if you were in a relationship, I think the problem is when people say that they will ONLY be happy when they're finally in or back in a relationship.

Would I be happier in a relationship?

I think so.

But I also know that that would bring its own set of problems and that sometimes those problems can feel like the relationship is not worth it.

Do I sometimes feel terribly unhappy being single?


But I also remind myself that I have no one to answer to and no one snoring in my bed keeping me awake when I'm having a restless night.

I think if your being or not being in a relationship defines you or how you see yourself or how you value yourself you need to take a look at that thinking.

Having a romantic partner to share your life with is wonderful and I wish everyone had a special, happy, uplifting romantic relationship.

I also wish that everyone was happy with themselves and loved themselves and was happy being single.

But I know those two wishes aren't always the reality.

So, where is the line between being happy single and would be happier in a relationship? I don't know if there is a line between those two things. I think they can hang out right next to each other.

I think most happy single people would say that being in a relationship would add to their happiness. So while it might not be the difference between happy and unhappy, it would add more happiness to their already happy life.

Does that make sense? Or am I way off base?

I think it's totally ok to admit that we all want to be loved and deserved to be loved and would like to share our love and our lives with another person.

We just need to remember that it doesn't make or break us.



Blogger Stephanie Hunter said...

I agree.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011 8:31:00 am  
Blogger Soph said...

To keep this simple... I agree too! We shouldn't need a partner to make us happy, it should be the icing on the cupcake!

Soph : )

Wednesday, March 23, 2011 9:45:00 am  
Blogger Jonathan said...

I'll let you in on a secret - every person who says they are totally happy / have found their soul mate / can't imagine life without their other half sometimes envy those who are single, and feel guilty doing so because of what the outside world perceives they have.

Being in the middle of a "relationship", or a "family", or whatever else can sometimes feel like jail - only nobody ever talks of it because it's not "supposed" to be even thought about.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011 3:10:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Good to know Stephanie

Mmmmm cupcake, Soph! ;)

I think more couples should talk about it Jonathan, I really do.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011 5:17:00 pm  
Anonymous e said...

Hey V!

It's e, the (formerly) sad and confused girl who originally asked you the question.

4 (5?) months later, I think I know my answer a little better. The guy who left me to move to a different city recently contacted me and decided that he wanted to move back to be back with me, and I decided to give it a second go. So I am happily un-single again, and I feel like as if a heavy blanket of sadness has been lifted from my body.

Was I happy single? Definitely. I found happiness in hobbies, friends, families, within myself. I discovered new ambitions and tried new things and met wonderful people I wouldn't have met otherwise. But there was always a lingering sadness.

Now I feel that comforting "in love" feeling again and I don't have to "try as hard" to be happy. There are a few tradeoffs: relationship anxieties, a slight loss in freedom, and a sense that I have lost some of the free spiritedness I discovered during the 6 months I was single.

I'm a little unnerved by the fact that I am way happier with a boyfriend; I never wanted to become "one of those girls". But at least I am aware of this and I am mature enough to have my own sense of identity and self-resolve to know when it's time to cut off a bad relationship.

I think different people have different homostases when it comes to wanting to be in a relationship or wanting to be single. One of life's challenges is that we don't get what we want, a lot of the we make the best of what we have.

You are an amazing person and in a way like a big sister and role model to me. Thanks for all your wonderful posts; they inspire a lot of people! :)


Wednesday, March 23, 2011 11:42:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Yay e! Thanks for the update, that makes me happy to hear :)

Thursday, March 24, 2011 6:56:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Will do JS. Also deleted your comment so no one else decides to email ya :)

Thursday, March 24, 2011 6:57:00 pm  
Blogger Just Sayin... said...

Thanks Vic. That email is solely for the blog. :)

Thursday, March 24, 2011 7:00:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

So I could have left it up for stalkers after all! ;)


Thursday, March 24, 2011 7:03:00 pm  
Blogger SimplyStacia said...

Right now? Happy being single. It's a nice "break", but am looking forward to being involved. But in no hurry. :)

Nice thoughts.

Friday, March 25, 2011 10:18:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Cool :)

Saturday, March 26, 2011 8:49:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

absolutely true

Sunday, April 03, 2011 10:50:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks :)

Monday, April 04, 2011 6:37:00 pm  

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