Friday, 18 March 2011

The Meeting

So I've met a few guys through online dating sites now.

And, by a few I really mean maybe. . . five?

I'm guessing it must be getting easier, but it sure didn't feel like it yesterday.

I think maybe I was more nervous about meeting this guy because there were some things about him, on paper, that sort of match my mental checklist. His profession, where he's from, his sense of humour, that kind of thing. So going into the idea of meeting him I was maybe a touch more invested than with some of the other guys.

From what I could tell from his pictures, he was attractive but it was hard to tell for sure.

What I know from the people I've met, they never quite look like their picture and I'm usually just a little bit disappointed. Or, maybe disappointed isn't the right word, but there's usually the point where I meet them and my brain goes "huh, that's not quite what I'd expected." I mean, it's rare to find a photo that captures *exactly* what a person looks like. As a bit of an aside, I watched the episode of the terrible/wonderful tv show The Bachelor where some of the women had their photos taken for Sports Illustrated. When I saw the spread in the magazine the women looked nothing like how they looked on the tv show. It was bizarre. But it's something I need to remember if I'm continuing on in this online dating thing. People don't look like their photos. The degree to which they are different varies.

In an even further aside, when I saw Smith for the second time (the first time he flew out for a visit) he didn't look how I'd remembered him and I was just slightly disappointed. Apparently my mental image memory is.... fickle.

So, anyway, we'd agreed to meet in a slightly strange situation (he'd asked for some company going to get some test results as he was worried) and when I saw him coming down the street I wasn't sure it was him.

It was awkward, of course initially, and we went for coffee after his appointment and chatted.

He was good to talk with and I enjoyed our conversation, but, as in my other "meeting you" coffee "dates" I kind of petered out after a couple of hours and we went our separate ways.

I honestly, genuinely don't know what I think.

It's like my brain has backfired and I can't think about it. Some sort of system overload that I don't know what to do with.

One thing I said to C-Dawg was that he has, I think, the potential to be quite handsome. And that yes the conversation was fine and that yes, I'd meet with him again if he asked.

Do I want him to ask to hang out again? Yes. And no.

No in a panicked "oh please just let me be alone and single rather than go through this process that is so very uncomfortable to me" kind of way.

No, because I don't want to get to know someone.

No because I've never taken the time to date someone. And I don't know if I really want to.

No because I just want to magically fall into a relationship.

No because I want a relationship to just be. I want to wake up mid-way through an amazing courtship that I didn't have to struggle or worry about.

No because I want to meet someone the way I'm used to. For it to be easy. To not have to do this.

I don't want to do this.

I think the question is going to be, do I *not* want to do this enough to just be single for. . . ever?

Today, the answer is yes.

I don't know what the answer will be tomorrow.

So if you ask me how it went with this guy I met? I have to be honest and tell you I have no idea, because I feel like I'm battling such a bigger battle in my head and my heart and my soul that I can't even begin to process what I might think about him.

And I'm scared.


Blogger Just Sayin... said...

I love this rawness. So many of us just bitch about the con's of online dating. Loving how you're telling it how it is, and how most of probably feel after an online date that wasn't steller right out of the gates.

Hey, he didn't vomit on you, ask you for sex, etc, so it wasn't that bad, aside from not knowing what you think. Maybe this is how dating starts? It's not always instant, it builds, then whola, you're in a relationship?....Maybe.

Excellent post.

Friday, March 18, 2011 8:51:00 am  
Blogger Single and Picky said...

I agree with JS - completely. I want to thank you for your candidness. I've had similar discussions with girlfriends about the process of dating, especially after going through a dried period and having some serious d-bags - some days it really does feel like being single is a better option.

I think that in those moments, it is more a time for you to get yourself figured out - not that you're messy - but well I think you know what I mean. Enjoy the running, the eating of cupcakes and your family.

Friday, March 18, 2011 9:54:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks you guys. Really.

Friday, March 18, 2011 4:02:00 pm  
Anonymous narami said...

This is eerie. I could have written this. Well, maybe not as well, but it's like you said what I'm thinking. RIGHT FREAKING HERE outside of my brain.

I'm freaked out.

I also agree, obviously.

Friday, March 18, 2011 7:16:00 pm  
Blogger Allan R E said...

The challenge often times with both men and women in the online dating thing is the element of expectation that comes from our interpretations of the words and pictures of someone we know nothing about. Not unlike when we invite someome for a job interview based on the resume they submit...that resume may turn out to be bang on but, more often than not is an approximation at best of the person and their real or percieved abilities.

Meeting someone organically at a party with good friends and often by default,like-minded people we have never met makes sense. Meeting someone while attending an event you have common interest in (running group, music concert, lecture, etc) is a very organic good start to a potential relation ship. I think its a good start because there is an organic commonality not a percieved one. There is no expectation of physical apperance because you have nothing to compare it to. There is no fault in how the person described themselves in words they are how you are experiencing them for the first time.

I have never sought to meet anyone online in a dating, I cannot speak to your experience but, I do have friends who have done it...most with the same observations that you have shared and one who is marrying the woman he met abut 2 years ago...

Anyway, I blab excessively for a Friday night!

The pasta invite stands open, I have a lovely view of the Inner Harbour, I have a good selection of tea and sometimes I can be kind of entertaining!


p.s. I am not going back to spellcheck or edit...only because its Friday!

Friday, March 18, 2011 10:18:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Sorry, Narami! Didn't meant to freak you out :)

Lots of good thoughts Allan :)

Saturday, March 19, 2011 8:35:00 am  
Blogger Jonathan said...

I'll tell you a story that you can probably relate to what you're going through right now (or at least the version you hit "publish" on)...

Wendy first met me on a Sunday, and she told her colleagues on the Monday that I wasn't her type.

By the end of the day, they told her to see me again because she hadn't shut up about meeting me all day.

Saturday, March 19, 2011 1:40:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

*giggle* :)

Saturday, March 19, 2011 4:21:00 pm  
Blogger Lesley said...

I'm so not a fan of online dating but I know it works for a lot of people.

Sunday, March 20, 2011 6:08:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Yeah, well I'm not sure I'm one of those people it works for. . .

Sunday, March 20, 2011 6:25:00 pm  

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