The Meeting

So I've met a few guys through online dating sites now.

And, by a few I really mean maybe. . . five?

I'm guessing it must be getting easier, but it sure didn't feel like it yesterday.

I think maybe I was more nervous about meeting this guy because there were some things about him, on paper, that sort of match my mental checklist. His profession, where he's from, his sense of humour, that kind of thing. So going into the idea of meeting him I was maybe a touch more invested than with some of the other guys.

From what I could tell from his pictures, he was attractive but it was hard to tell for sure.

What I know from the people I've met, they never quite look like their picture and I'm usually just a little bit disappointed. Or, maybe disappointed isn't the right word, but there's usually the point where I meet them and my brain goes "huh, that's not quite what I'd expected." I mean, it's rare to find a photo that captures *exactly* what a person looks like. As a bit of an aside, I watched the episode of the terrible/wonderful tv show The Bachelor where some of the women had their photos taken for Sports Illustrated. When I saw the spread in the magazine the women looked nothing like how they looked on the tv show. It was bizarre. But it's something I need to remember if I'm continuing on in this online dating thing. People don't look like their photos. The degree to which they are different varies.

In an even further aside, when I saw Smith for the second time (the first time he flew out for a visit) he didn't look how I'd remembered him and I was just slightly disappointed. Apparently my mental image memory is.... fickle.

So, anyway, we'd agreed to meet in a slightly strange situation (he'd asked for some company going to get some test results as he was worried) and when I saw him coming down the street I wasn't sure it was him.

It was awkward, of course initially, and we went for coffee after his appointment and chatted.

He was good to talk with and I enjoyed our conversation, but, as in my other "meeting you" coffee "dates" I kind of petered out after a couple of hours and we went our separate ways.

I honestly, genuinely don't know what I think.

It's like my brain has backfired and I can't think about it. Some sort of system overload that I don't know what to do with.

One thing I said to C-Dawg was that he has, I think, the potential to be quite handsome. And that yes the conversation was fine and that yes, I'd meet with him again if he asked.

Do I want him to ask to hang out again? Yes. And no.

No in a panicked "oh please just let me be alone and single rather than go through this process that is so very uncomfortable to me" kind of way.

No, because I don't want to get to know someone.

No because I've never taken the time to date someone. And I don't know if I really want to.

No because I just want to magically fall into a relationship.

No because I want a relationship to just be. I want to wake up mid-way through an amazing courtship that I didn't have to struggle or worry about.

No because I want to meet someone the way I'm used to. For it to be easy. To not have to do this.

I don't want to do this.

I think the question is going to be, do I *not* want to do this enough to just be single for. . . ever?

Today, the answer is yes.

I don't know what the answer will be tomorrow.

So if you ask me how it went with this guy I met? I have to be honest and tell you I have no idea, because I feel like I'm battling such a bigger battle in my head and my heart and my soul that I can't even begin to process what I might think about him.

And I'm scared.