Wednesday, 20 April 2011

What I Did

So, Fen. Fen who never quite falls out of my mind no matter where he is or how far away from my life his life might be.

I wrote a post about Fen in October. My Dad got sick in November. In December, C-Dawg told me about a friend of hers who reconnected with an old high school not-quite-a-sweetheart after all these years and they're now together, happily.

Fen was never my high school sweetheart and I'm not sure he should/would/could have been, but I all of a sudden didn't want to have the ability to perhaps contact him again and not take it.

So I took it.

I emailed the contact at a site where Fen's name showed up and I awkwardly told them who I was and that I was looking for my old friend from high school.

And Fen emailed me back.

We've caught up briefly, momentarily, in the last month or so and he's away right now, travelling, so I don't have any more to tell you. May not ever have anything more to tell you except that he's a man. He's a grown, beautiful man and I can't reconcile that idea with the awkward boy I fell in love with so many years ago.

I both know exactly who he is and have no idea who he's become and it's . . .

It's something.

I want to know him but I'm scared he's grown into something beyond me or who I could have been or who I imagine he might be. And I'm not even sure I'll get the opportunity to find out.

But at least I reconnected.

At least I didn't let him slip away entirely.

I hope to never have to.

2 Comments:

Anonymous justanotherperson said...

I'm do glad you got in touch again!:) The thought of never knowing what could have been is just too sad! Fen sounds like an interesting person. Without disclosing his identity, can you tell me what he really does? You mentioned that he's an artist and now you say he's traveling. I'm still in University, but that just sounds like an ideal life to me - travel & art :)

I have to ask though, because I don't understand - what are you really scared of?

Wednesday, April 20, 2011 2:08:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

He was an interesting person when I knew him so I'm assuming he still is now. As for what he does, if I knew, I'd tell you! ;)
I don't think the travel is related to his work, but.... yeah, I don't know.

And, to answer your other question, I don't know what I'm really scared of either. :)

Wednesday, April 20, 2011 4:40:00 pm  

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