Monday, 15 August 2011

Tick Tock

It's so very strange to be waiting.

It's strange because I'm that person who leaps. I'm that person who leaps (with a mixture of whole heartedly yet reservedly) into something once I've decided there's enough of a base to go building off of.

And this is such a strange place to be waiting in. To have seen potential and been willing to leap towards it, risking hurt, but to wonder, genuinely, what the other person is thinking.

Because for me, I want to be done with it one way or another. If I meet someone and it's good, I just want to get going and be together. And if I meet someone and it's not good, or if it turns not good and I can tell he wants out, I just want him to be done with it, to let me know and be gone.

What I feel this has come down to is my heart-on-my-sleeve emotional self and his being gun shy from whatever emotional drama came with his last relationship. He was clear that he wasn't looking for drama and that's where I get stuck.

Am I drama? I can't answer that honestly. I really don't know.

I haven't dated girls so I don't know what's average or normal, but I do know that I'd rather, were I one to date girls, be with someone who didn't hide their feelings because I think when you hide your feelings they tend to come sneaking up on you and explode much worse than if you'd just been open with them in the first place.

I've realized, through this, that I want a strong man. One who is able to hear me say "I'm feeling insecure about things" and who'll be able to say "Hey, Victoria? I like you, I'm interested in you, you don't need to be insecure." and who'll mean it. And one who will support me when said insecurities or fears or worries pop up rather than, I don't know, freaking out or feeling like it's a big pile of shit he has to take on and wade through and deal with?

I don't know, because for me an intimate romantic relationship (as opposed to an intimate friendship like I'm lucky enough to have with some of my closest girlfriends) is one where you can both share your deepest thoughts, feelings, dreams, fears, insecurities, and hopes and you're both there for each other. You support each other and you talk things through and you listen without judging.

Easier said than done for sure and I know we all tend to take things personally. C-Dawg and I have even struggled recently with her getting into a new relationship and that bringing up my insecurities and hurts around being single.

And when I told her how I was feeling, she was hurt too, hurt that I wasn't just freely able to be happy for her in her happiness.

And my reaction through that? Was that she would leave me and not want to be my friend anymore. (The old insecurities that are hard to get rid of and come back when you're at your most raw.) But she told me that we would always be best friends and would always be close and that she wasn't going anywhere and that it might be rough for both of us right now but that I was too important to her to lose.

And that's what I'm looking for in a man.

Someone who'll say "I understand what you're feeling and I like (or love) you anyway and am not going anywhere."

And, sure, that's WAY too much to ask when you've just met someone, but when I initially asked this guy (who is only going to get a blog nickname if he sticks around) about his online dating intentions, he assured me that I was the only one he was interested in. And I just wanted to see him, and for us to reassure ourselves of what we'd started to see and build in the previous few days. And his reaction to *my* reaction when he said he was choosing not to see me that night was not what I expected.

And I took it all on me. *I* must have been acting crazy. I must have thrown him off. I must have ruined everything by being so stupidly insane and why couldn't I just have let it go?

But one of the blessings of this blog is that when I share something that's painful or difficult or that hurt me I get people, different people from all over, telling me that that's exactly how they felt too and that they understood and that they were relieved it wasn't just them.

So that makes me think that maybe I'm not that crazy. That maybe I'm more like everyone else than I know but that I'm just more used to putting it out there than I used to be.

I've felt defensive while I've been waiting. Like I have to prove to him that I'm not too much to handle, that I'm not as "crazy" as his ex, but "what do I know?" is the thought that always echoes in my mind. Maybe I'm 1000 times more difficult to handle than the average woman and this guy's not cut out for that.

But then there's the voice that whispers, maybe you're 1000 times LESS difficult to handle than the average woman and this guy just doesn't know it yet.

I don't know, but I would like to find out. I would like the opportunity to find out.

My guess is that his mind is made up already because mine would be if I were him. I can't see anything good from him having this much time to himself to think and ponder and consider. We all know how well that goes for over-thinkers like me, and this guy's an admitted over-thinker.

I don't like this waiting, but my guess is that if I push him to give me an answer it's going to be a negative one, but if I let him sit with it, it's only probably going to be a negative one.

I can't decide if I appreciate or pity the part of me that's sitting, happy and hopeful, believing that he's already seen that I'm worth putting himself out for. That part of me that believes this is going to work out. I guess I keep hoping that part of me is right, but wanting to protect it too in case it isn't.


This waiting, quite frankly, sucks.


Blogger Stephanie Hunter said...

You are worth it. You are worth any effort. Can I tell you that I'm going through something similar right now. I keep thinking I'm so NOT worth it, the time or the effort or energy of anyone. All the while thetruth is I AM. And you are too. We just may not have found the right one yet. But, you are worth it. We have to push the self doubt and the "crazy" thoughts aside.

Monday, August 15, 2011 8:43:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Victoria, I have read and enjoyed your entire blog. I'm a former single girl as well, now happily married. But I remember the waiting and wondering during the single dating times. It seems to me that you get too excited over the possibilities with a guy way too early. I see that because I used to be the same way. It's not really possible to know if there's potential for a relationship two or three dates in and in viewing your blog I see this pattern repeated over and over. It just takes so much longer than a few dates to know if there's potential, I've found. And as easy as it is to get wrapped up in the idea way early on and want to read things into every little thing he says/does or doesn't say/do, my advice to you (not that you were asking) is to honestly take it much slower and not have such high expectations for things so early. Sometimes guys pick up on our vibe as desparation or clinginess (even if it isn't the case) if we push to hard. And I think it's really easy for us to do. I would say easy does it; slow, slow, slow. Believe me, if a guy wants to see you again, he will move hell and high water to do it. You won't have to remind him of the good times or how cute you are. He won't be able to think of anything else. And he'll definitely let you know that. And you definitely deserve someone who can't think of anything else but seeing you again. Slow, slow, slow girl.

Monday, August 15, 2011 8:56:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks Stephanie, you hang in there!

You're totally right Anonymous, and I think, (if things work out) that that'll be my battle with this just relax and slow down and not rush. Totally. Well said :)

Monday, August 15, 2011 9:35:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Welllll,,,,, Have you looked back on the site to see if there is anyone else worth talking to? One can never have too many friends...


Monday, August 15, 2011 12:08:00 pm  
Blogger Singlicious said...

I completely agree with the post from the first "Anonymous," above. I think for most guys, even strong ones, that enthusiasm/insecurity very early on reads as clinginess/desperateness. In fact, I think the ones for whom it doesn't are often a bit desperate themselves, so they'll put up with premature attachment. I really don't think the issue is whether you are more or less drama than his ex, or than average, I think the issue is whether it feels to him like on balance a good thing to pursue you or not.

Also, I think you can definitely find a guy who will support you through your insecurities once you are deep into a relationship and know each other well. Even when someone holds a lot of promise, though, it's hard to support them through insecurities at the outset. Imagine your reaction if after a couple of dates with this guy, he contacted you periodically feeling insecure about whether you were really interested, and about little actions you took, like posting pictures online. Would you worry that you might have to take care of him too much, that he might curtail your freedom or otherwise hold you back? I would, and until pretty recently, I had many of the same tendencies to want reassurance, commitment, closure.

Speaking of closure, I agree that you're best off waiting, rather than get a "no" by pushing it. I know how hard the waiting is. Courage; you can do it!

I hope this helps--I feel like I keep beating the same drum here.

The S Word

Monday, August 15, 2011 2:17:00 pm  
Blogger Unknown said...

Agreed with Anonymous 1 and Singlicious. They have very wise words for you to hear.

I didn't know how I could possibly be perceived as drama or hard to deal with until I decided to actually pick up some books and read about men, relationships, etc...

My advice would be to get as much information as you can on the subject, and not from other girlfriends because they might be going through the same process as you and seeing the situation with the same pair of eyes. Go to the bookstore, the library, buy some ebooks. Learn about men and how they see relationships, how they communicate. You probably need to shift your perception before you attempt to date seriously.

It has worked for me... am I still single? yes. Am I being overly emotional, crying, losing sleep over guys, being insecure or act clingy? Not anymore. And I didn't even realize I was acting like that before.

You have ALL the time in the world to find the right guy for you. Not just a guy, but THE guy. In the meantime, enjoy yourself, enjoy your single life.

Monday, August 15, 2011 3:35:00 pm  
Anonymous Rebecca said...

Yes, the waiting sucks! I wish I could tell you that it will all work out but frankly, I don't know. In my experience (aka, still single girl) with time ticking away, I don't know if it's wiser to keep up the hope or just throw in the towel. For me, I get rather annoyed at my well meaning friends who keep saying "the right guy will come along" or "I just know you'll be married one day" because I think they keep that glimmer of hope alive in me...which may be hurting me more than helping me. Bottom line, I wake up each day trying to be happy with what I have now...albeit I have many good things in my life, but not the one thing that I have dreamed of all of my life. It's just plain hard to be single and happy. I know you have traveled the difficult road of dating and I am sending happy thoughts your way that happiness is in your future.

Monday, August 15, 2011 4:05:00 pm  
Blogger Kelly said...

Ahh.. Victoria. You aren't crazy and you aren't too much! I completely understand how you feel though. I, too, often wonder if I am too much or maybe even too little. Sometimes I need to stop and look around me to see that there are real crazies all over the place... to remind myself that I am not one of them!! Do yourself a favor and do that too! =)

Waiting is so very hard. These little moments of joy make it even harder. Hang in there. Know that you aren't alone... and keep believing that there is a perfect guy out there for you. It's not easy, but it has to be true!!

Monday, August 15, 2011 6:57:00 pm  
Blogger Singlicious said...

I agree with Unknown that relationship books can be really helpful. Men and women do often have very different ways seeing relationships and communicating. Great suggestion.

Monday, August 15, 2011 7:10:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

I'll take a look Kas (but right now it's kind of slim pickings!) ;)

I totally hear what you're saying Singlicious

Good call Unknown, thanks :)

Thanks Rebecca. And yes, I know what you mean, sometimes that glimmer of hope can feel like it hurts :(

I watched a couple of really bad reality tv shows Kelly, and it totally showed me I'm not crazy at all! ;) Thanks

I shall get me to a bookstore Singlicious! ;)

Monday, August 15, 2011 9:20:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Since everyone is giving some advice, I thought I'd chip in because see where you are now, I was the QUEEN of there, for most of my life. I was the eternally single girl, viewing every social occasion, every night out, every gig I went to as THE night I would meet my man. If women would just stop for five seconds to look around them and see how necessary this all is, life would be a much happier experience for us all. One day, after all the heartache and waiting (btw, the situation with your friend, and managing a relationship with her while she has a boyfriend and all the problems that brings - also been there, like REALLY been there.) I just decided to give up and just be happy doing things I wanted to do and enjoy moments and different kinds of love. You never hear anyone championing the power of friendship, do you? Love comes in many forms, and romantic love is by NO means the most important. Just look at all the people who have taken the time to write you a message of support in this. Just think about that.

As harsh as it sounds, my advice is to give up. And never turn down an invitation. I gave up and now I'm love with a boy who came out of nowhere and is now my best friend.

It will happen for you. Just stop thinking about it! Much more important things to lose sleep over.

And also - this guy can piss off. If he's not dying to see you, what the hell is wrong with him!!

You are lovely, and we're all behind you pet.

Love from,
A former single girl

Tuesday, August 16, 2011 2:25:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

I hear you, and thanks :) (It's been a long time since someone called me pet, I love it! It's usually something my aunts or uncles would call me)

Tuesday, August 16, 2011 3:58:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Oh, and? I'm a huge champion of the power and importance of friendship, for sure! :D

Tuesday, August 16, 2011 3:58:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just found your blog. I couldn't relate anymore. Thanks for all your posts!!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011 7:03:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...


Wednesday, August 17, 2011 5:14:00 pm  
Anonymous Bailey said...

I feel like we are so alike. We are strong women but are also insecure. Its funny how that works sometimes. You want to be perfect, but you can't be. Its hard to hear that, I know. My friends have been changing lately, and last year when I could tell them anything and everything, they would be behind me 100%. But this year they've been leaving me out and making waaaaay too much drama. Don't you love it when your friends talk about how reserved you are with guys behind your back? Not. My guy friends have been the most supportive of me lately. I feel like they are helping me to be the most independent woman that I can be. I don't know if I should stay friends with my girlfriends now. What should I do?

Wednesday, August 31, 2011 11:11:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Awww Bailey, I don't really know what to tell you not knowing you or your friends or your situation. But I think if you're not feeling supported by your friends, talk to them about that and if things don't change or improve, maybe it is time to move on and find more loving friends. It is important.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011 10:28:00 pm  

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