Tick Tock

It's so very strange to be waiting.

It's strange because I'm that person who leaps. I'm that person who leaps (with a mixture of whole heartedly yet reservedly) into something once I've decided there's enough of a base to go building off of.

And this is such a strange place to be waiting in. To have seen potential and been willing to leap towards it, risking hurt, but to wonder, genuinely, what the other person is thinking.

Because for me, I want to be done with it one way or another. If I meet someone and it's good, I just want to get going and be together. And if I meet someone and it's not good, or if it turns not good and I can tell he wants out, I just want him to be done with it, to let me know and be gone.

What I feel this has come down to is my heart-on-my-sleeve emotional self and his being gun shy from whatever emotional drama came with his last relationship. He was clear that he wasn't looking for drama and that's where I get stuck.

Am I drama? I can't answer that honestly. I really don't know.

I haven't dated girls so I don't know what's average or normal, but I do know that I'd rather, were I one to date girls, be with someone who didn't hide their feelings because I think when you hide your feelings they tend to come sneaking up on you and explode much worse than if you'd just been open with them in the first place.

I've realized, through this, that I want a strong man. One who is able to hear me say "I'm feeling insecure about things" and who'll be able to say "Hey, Victoria? I like you, I'm interested in you, you don't need to be insecure." and who'll mean it. And one who will support me when said insecurities or fears or worries pop up rather than, I don't know, freaking out or feeling like it's a big pile of shit he has to take on and wade through and deal with?

I don't know, because for me an intimate romantic relationship (as opposed to an intimate friendship like I'm lucky enough to have with some of my closest girlfriends) is one where you can both share your deepest thoughts, feelings, dreams, fears, insecurities, and hopes and you're both there for each other. You support each other and you talk things through and you listen without judging.

Easier said than done for sure and I know we all tend to take things personally. C-Dawg and I have even struggled recently with her getting into a new relationship and that bringing up my insecurities and hurts around being single.

And when I told her how I was feeling, she was hurt too, hurt that I wasn't just freely able to be happy for her in her happiness.

And my reaction through that? Was that she would leave me and not want to be my friend anymore. (The old insecurities that are hard to get rid of and come back when you're at your most raw.) But she told me that we would always be best friends and would always be close and that she wasn't going anywhere and that it might be rough for both of us right now but that I was too important to her to lose.

And that's what I'm looking for in a man.

Someone who'll say "I understand what you're feeling and I like (or love) you anyway and am not going anywhere."

And, sure, that's WAY too much to ask when you've just met someone, but when I initially asked this guy (who is only going to get a blog nickname if he sticks around) about his online dating intentions, he assured me that I was the only one he was interested in. And I just wanted to see him, and for us to reassure ourselves of what we'd started to see and build in the previous few days. And his reaction to *my* reaction when he said he was choosing not to see me that night was not what I expected.

And I took it all on me. *I* must have been acting crazy. I must have thrown him off. I must have ruined everything by being so stupidly insane and why couldn't I just have let it go?

But one of the blessings of this blog is that when I share something that's painful or difficult or that hurt me I get people, different people from all over, telling me that that's exactly how they felt too and that they understood and that they were relieved it wasn't just them.

So that makes me think that maybe I'm not that crazy. That maybe I'm more like everyone else than I know but that I'm just more used to putting it out there than I used to be.

I've felt defensive while I've been waiting. Like I have to prove to him that I'm not too much to handle, that I'm not as "crazy" as his ex, but "what do I know?" is the thought that always echoes in my mind. Maybe I'm 1000 times more difficult to handle than the average woman and this guy's not cut out for that.

But then there's the voice that whispers, maybe you're 1000 times LESS difficult to handle than the average woman and this guy just doesn't know it yet.

I don't know, but I would like to find out. I would like the opportunity to find out.

My guess is that his mind is made up already because mine would be if I were him. I can't see anything good from him having this much time to himself to think and ponder and consider. We all know how well that goes for over-thinkers like me, and this guy's an admitted over-thinker.

I don't like this waiting, but my guess is that if I push him to give me an answer it's going to be a negative one, but if I let him sit with it, it's only probably going to be a negative one.

I can't decide if I appreciate or pity the part of me that's sitting, happy and hopeful, believing that he's already seen that I'm worth putting himself out for. That part of me that believes this is going to work out. I guess I keep hoping that part of me is right, but wanting to protect it too in case it isn't.

Sigh.

This waiting, quite frankly, sucks.