Undone

I was smitten, I tell you, but whatever had felt off the night I looked at his profile was hovering in the back of my head.

When I got home on Friday, he'd emailed me asking when I'd be home and I let him know that I'd just arrived. He had dinner plans, but thought he'd be home by nine or so.

I was utterly exhausted. Could have fallen asleep right then and there. I hadn't slept much the first few giddy days and the travelling had right done me in. But I so wanted to see him, I lay on my couch staying awake, looking forward to smoothing out the bump in the road I'd had.

He didn't text at nine, but I didn't worry too much, but that thing that was hovering in the back of my head snatched onto this fact and ate away at my calm.

By the time he did text it was close to ten and his plans had gone later than he'd thought and he was thinking of just heading to bed.

"Ok," I texted. Furious that I'd waited up (I get irrationally frustrated with myself when I expect or assume people will make plans with me and I get all ready and then they don't end up making those plans) and disappointed that I wouldn't get to see him and maybe have that cuddle on my couch he'd mentioned a couple of days ago, and hurt that he didn't want to see me when he knew we wouldn't see each other for a week or so.

He'd been very clear that he wanted me to be open and honest with him and to communicate with him what I was thinking and feeling so after a breath, I texted him back and let him know that I wasn't feeling great about things and had wanted to see him.

A couple of texts were exchanged back and forth and when he told me he was going to bed, I knew I'd pushed things too far.

I could tell that my reaction had somehow made him think of his ex, and that he was most likely sitting there thinking that as nice as I might have been, I was under it all, completely crazy and therefore so not worth the effort.

I tried to sleep that night, but everything in me told me that things were falling apart. That'd I'd pushed things to a place where there was no repair or going back to what might have been. So instead of lying there not sleeping, I composed my thoughts and sent him an email.

Did it feel like the right thing to do at the time? Absolutely.

Would I do it again? I'm not sure.

I tried, in my email, to let him know that I could tell he wasn't comfortable with my reactions over the past two days but that I wasn't crazy or overly dramatic. I explained that I'd had a draining few days and that yes I had my ups and downs like anyone else, but that in the end, I was a happy person.

I think, really, I was just trying to say "listen, I know you got hurt in your last relationship by an overly dramatic person and that's not me."

He got back to me late the next day telling me that yes he was worried and that while he was away, could we just take time to think and see where we were at.

It was mildly, and friendly put, but it still stung.

I didn't know what to do with myself, but I do know there were tears.

Tears, I suppose of frustration. Frustration that I feel like I'm getting the flak from his past. Frustration that I let myself hope and be excited and that things looked, once again, like they weren't going to work out. And frustration over feeling trapped.

I think we're all crazy to some extent. And "crazy" is not the word to use. I think we all have our issues and insecurities.

So when you ask someone to be both open and honest with you, but you let them know that you can't handle drama even if that makes you selfish, it puts that person in an awkward spot.

Did I say too much? Should I have kept some of those thoughts to myself? If I did, was that making me someone who was hiding things and not being honest?

Am I a lot of drama? Am I? I don't think so, but I have no idea where I lay on the drama/issues scale.

Let's say I'm a five and this guy's looking for someone who's a three. Or let's say I'm a five and he's looking for a six or less but I'm appearing to be a ten.

I understand that he wants some time to absorb and think about what's happened and where he's at, but as someone who overthinks things, I know pretty much where that's going to end up.

If he's at all like me, he'll be thinking himself into walking away before he gets any further into this. He'll be thinking himself into trying again to find someone more stable, more easy going, more...confident? He'll maybe convince himself that I'm all the bad things he didn't want, and I guess I'm already seeing that as a foregone conclusion.

I texted him a few days ago, something friendly and neutral, to try to remind him of the fun exchanges we had over the first few days but I didn't hear back from him, which makes me feel like a crazy stalker who ignored his wish for us to "just take the week to see where things lie."

I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation here and that it's not even really my fault.

Sure, there's still a part of me that hopes that since I can't read minds, he might not be thinking any of these things and that when he gets some space he'll think that this is something he's willing to see where it goes, but I'm trying not to get too caught up in that thought.

I'm trying to get myself to a point that if he tries to let me down gently, I can move away and not be as hurt as I think I will be.

It's hard to have things out of my hands, and that's the scary part about going into a relationship.

When things went kind of sideways there, my first reaction was "screw this, I am never ever attempting to be in a relationship again, this is SO not worth it." But after a few days I calmed down a bit and now it's just a bit of a bumpy ride waiting to hear from him once he's free again.

(And, yes, before you ask, he is legitimately busy. Yes, he could call or text or email, but I'm respecting that he wants/needs some space.)

The points I seem to vacillate between now are: 1)This is over and I'm upset, sad and disappointed by that because I really liked him and thought we had great potential. 2)I'm ok with things, because if it's meant to be it's meant to be. 3) I can't wait to see him again because I know that if we could just sit down and talk this all through and just be together, it'll be as good as it ever was and it'll all just fall back into place and sort itself out.

I guess we'll find out sooner or later one way or another, eh?

It's hard to wait and not know what someone else is thinking, especially when you have feelings and hope on the line. It's hard when you don't know someone and you find yourself guessing what they might be thinking. I forgot how liking someone makes me question myself. I guess I'd hoped that this was a relationship where I could re-learn and un-do old, bad habits and thinkings...

But there you go, there's the story. I wish I had better news or a different twist, but that's where I'm at with whatever this is going to be or not be.

If you want to send me a hug or good thoughts, I'll happily take them.