Friday, 9 March 2012


When someone says (or does, but more often says) something that hurts my feelings, my instinct is to pull away or to put another brick up in the wall between us.

I had a counsellor once who told me that I should respond in these situations with an "Ouch!" to let the person know they'd hurt me (because I am useless at actually telling someone what they've said hurt my feelings) but I can't bring myself to do that either.

"Ouch, that hurt."

I mean, it seems like a simple enough thing to say, but I always figure that the person's either going to say they didn't mean it to and that I should stop overreacting and then I end up looking like an idiot or they're not going to care and then I end up being even more hurt. So I don't say anything. Because maybe I'm overreacting and they probably don't care anyway.

I feel a lot, lately, that I should stop trying to be close with people and should maintain the safe distance I have with most of the relationships in my life. It doesn't stop the hurts completely, but it makes the sting somewhat less painful if you haven't let the person close.

I don't really know what this says about me... is it a trust issue? A low self-esteem issue? What is it I'm protecting myself from, and why is it so painful?

I don't know if I should even try to change or just accept that this is how I am and keep a strong safe zone around myself and my heart.

I don't know. . . and I'm scared to death to even try to let anyone else in ever again.

So, yeah, it's been a rough week....can you tell?


Anonymous Janee said...

First: **HUGS**

Second: I am speechless. I am convinced I have more in common with you than I do with my identical twin sister! The things you think and the feelings you write about are exactly what I think and feel in my own life - and it seems you always write these thoughts and feelings at the same exact time I'm going through them and thinking them.

I was just thinking the other day how I think I'd be so much happier if I keep all of the people in my life at arms length...if I just stopped caring at all. Life would just be so much more peaceful and safer (emotionally). But then I think - what's up with that? So now I'm just making a conscious effort to understand my thoughts and feelings (actually researching possible therapists to gain this elusive understanding). I live so much in my own head and overthink *everything* all the time that I probably need to start there.

Anyway, I guess I just made this about *me* but I wanted you to know you are most definitely *not* alone in your thoughts and feelings.

Friday, March 09, 2012 10:06:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Hugs accepted and returned Janee! :)

And thanks for letting me know I'm not alone.... it does help somehow to know.

And, yeah, we'll both keep working on it and figuring it all out.

Friday, March 09, 2012 4:56:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

P.S. Long lost triplet perhaps? ;)

Friday, March 09, 2012 4:56:00 pm  
Blogger Candy Cakes said...

I do the same thing. Only I put a smile on my face and shove the hurt deep down so I don't have to look at it. Which is super unhealthy and never really works. I keep thinking that eventually I will meet someone who DOESN'T hurt me, and all that stuff I keep pushing down will just melt away. Stupid. I know. But I'm a closet romantic like that I guess...

Saturday, March 10, 2012 12:46:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Man, crazy that we know we do these things but just keep doing them because, well, the alternative is....?

Saturday, March 10, 2012 7:22:00 pm  
Anonymous Kate said...

I have been struggling with this too Victoria. I am dating THE most beautiful man in the world who hasn't put one foot wrong in 7 months.

Do you know what I do? I think of all the ways that I can keep him at arms length so he can't hurt me. I have just spent the last 2 years recovering from the end of a 6 year relationship and I am constantly looking out for the same signs that things are going to go wrong and planning for the "what ifs". It goes something like this...

"What if he cheats like my ex?...Well then sweetheart you are going to feel like X,Y and Z and do you really want to feel like that again? HELL NO! So how about you just back up a bit and pull away?"

Then I see his face and I just can't.. until the next week when the little voice of doubt reappears...

I have come to the conclusion that I can't keep doing this.. I need the courage to put my heart on the line. All the good stuff that comes with letting people close is totally worth it!

Sunday, March 11, 2012 3:34:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

I totally know and understand what you're saying Kate. I wish I didn't, but I do. Good luck, be strong and big hugs :)

Sunday, March 11, 2012 8:38:00 pm  
Anonymous J from Paradise said...

i swear you're my long lost sister! i thinks it's kind creepy that a lot of days you post exactly how i'm feeling!!!! you're not alone. i wish i knew how to fix it all for the both of us.

Monday, March 12, 2012 1:47:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Me too. Hugs

Monday, March 12, 2012 4:01:00 pm  

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