Wednesday, 7 March 2012

P.Y.T. (This Post Has No Promises Of Making Sense)

When I'm hovering in my zones where things are a little gloomier than usual, a thought that keeps occurring to me is that I'm not young and pretty anymore.

Because I'm not. As young as I once was. Or as pretty as I once must have been.

And I know it's all relative, but I've said it here before I'm sure...I feel like I missed out.

I probably knew I was young when I was, but it didn't mean much. But I certainly didn't think I was pretty. And now I look at myself and think that I was prettier then.

I can pick apart the "aging" signs I see in the mirror. I can look at younger guys and the girls they go for and I can see what they have that I don't have anymore. And won't again. And I know if I don't wrap my head around this and somehow learn to be ok with it, I'm up against a world of hurt for the rest of my life.

But it's hard when you see things that weren't there and that you don't find particularly attractive and you feel like if you'd only used your youth when you had it maybe you'd already have a perfect man who'd love you.

I'm almost embarrassed that someone's going to meet me and have to find me attractive when I'm not how I used to be. And I feel like they're only going to see me getting older and less attractive (wrinkles, sagging....body parts, grey hair, weight gain, aches and pains, UGH I don't want to age)

I'm not young and pretty any more. But I suppose I have to learn to see myself as pretty for my age. Or maybe even just pretty? I think it might help if I *was* in a relationship, because that would be someone telling me the things they find attractive about me and it's been a (far too) long time since I've had that and felt attractive. Because sure, there are days when I see myself and I think "damn, I'm hot" and others when it's not so much that way, but insert quote here about beauty being skin deep and something about people being attractive for who they are not how they look and I'm supposed to feel all better about myself.

But I still get bummed out when I think about the fact that I'm not as young as I used to be and that I don't look as young as I used to either.

When did I get to be so ageist?


Let me break it down here: I feel old and fat and ugly. I understand, logically, that none of these things are particularly true, and that compared to some I may be some of these things, but compared to others I am none of them, but I still feel that I am. And it's not a fun way to feel. Looking in the mirror doesn't help. The extra pounds I'm carrying don't help. The minute changes I see in my face don't help. I'm struggling with my age and my physical appearance. And it sucks.

And I know it shouldn't. But it still does.

The end.


Likalia said...

Makes perfect sense to me, which is perhaps comforting and disconcerting at the same time.

It is good to know I am not alone in feeling that way but there is also that part that say "why would you think that about yourself?". I think that is the part that sounds like my Mother who tells me I look great often regardless of what I actually look like. :)

Either way it is hard to come to terms with aging but I think it is more worriesome to be aging and single, as if it makes finding someone that much bigger of a hurdle. *sigh*

Anyway that is enough babbling from me first thing in the morning.


Dateafrenchman said...

I know what you mean. How many times have I had he exact same conversation with myself. Especially when I see guys I could be interested in flirting with women 10 years younger than me. What I try to do is dress with my own personal 50s style and play up my assets. Those 20-something wannabe hipsters like to wear to skinning jeans and baggy T-shirts. Me, I'm more of a legs girl in my mini skirts. Pick something you like about yourself and flaunt it baby.

Dateafrenchman said...

Oops, skinny jeans. Those damn things are so tight they're skinning!

Bad.Days said...

I think those are just classic getting older thoughts, and you are not alone in having them (I'm right with you!). This post made me think about that lovely Baz Luhrman song:

"Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.

But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You're not as fat as you imagine."

Victoria said...

I totally hear you Likalia, and it's comforting that someone feels the same way but sad too...that anyone feels this way. *hugs*

Datea, I shall now spend the rest of the day trying to find something I like about myself to play up :) And yes, skinny jeans are totally skinning! ;)

I know that line very very well Bad. I hear it a lot in my head too. *sigh*

Kate said...

C'mon peeps - things aren't that bad are they? ;-)

Remember: Beauty is from within.. And f*ck what anyone else thinks - we are awesome!

Victoria said...

Some days I'm all over that Kate... other days, not so much.

whfwrgz said...

I can see how hard it must be, but - and I know that you're aware of this - you'll have to learn to embrace growing older if you're going to be truly happy. At the same time, sometimes it's hard & exhausting to keep trying, sometimes you need to just be, even if that means being sad for a little while.
I was watching random Kelly Clarkson interviews, and this made me think of your post:
(Specifically, from the 2:20 mark)

Victoria said...

I know...And I'll check out the video, thanks :)

Just a Girl said...

I was thinking the exact same thing just a couple days ago. It's sort of all downhill from here. I will never be younger or prettier than I am now. Which sucks because there was a time when it never occurred to me that I would ever be anything other than youthful and pretty. Getting older is tough, even when you aren't really that old...

Victoria said...

I totally get what you're saying... Totally.