When I'm hovering in my zones where things are a little gloomier than usual, a thought that keeps occurring to me is that I'm not young and pretty anymore.
Because I'm not. As young as I once was. Or as pretty as I once must have been.
And I know it's all relative, but I've said it here before I'm sure...I feel like I missed out.
I probably knew I was young when I was, but it didn't mean much. But I certainly didn't think I was pretty. And now I look at myself and think that I was prettier then.
I can pick apart the "aging" signs I see in the mirror. I can look at younger guys and the girls they go for and I can see what they have that I don't have anymore. And won't again. And I know if I don't wrap my head around this and somehow learn to be ok with it, I'm up against a world of hurt for the rest of my life.
But it's hard when you see things that weren't there and that you don't find particularly attractive and you feel like if you'd only used your youth when you had it maybe you'd already have a perfect man who'd love you.
I'm almost embarrassed that someone's going to meet me and have to find me attractive when I'm not how I used to be. And I feel like they're only going to see me getting older and less attractive (wrinkles, sagging....body parts, grey hair, weight gain, aches and pains, UGH I don't want to age)
I'm not young and pretty any more. But I suppose I have to learn to see myself as pretty for my age. Or maybe even just pretty? I think it might help if I *was* in a relationship, because that would be someone telling me the things they find attractive about me and it's been a (far too) long time since I've had that and felt attractive. Because sure, there are days when I see myself and I think "damn, I'm hot" and others when it's not so much that way, but insert quote here about beauty being skin deep and something about people being attractive for who they are not how they look and I'm supposed to feel all better about myself.
But I still get bummed out when I think about the fact that I'm not as young as I used to be and that I don't look as young as I used to either.
When did I get to be so ageist?
Let me break it down here: I feel old and fat and ugly. I understand, logically, that none of these things are particularly true, and that compared to some I may be some of these things, but compared to others I am none of them, but I still feel that I am. And it's not a fun way to feel. Looking in the mirror doesn't help. The extra pounds I'm carrying don't help. The minute changes I see in my face don't help. I'm struggling with my age and my physical appearance. And it sucks.
And I know it shouldn't. But it still does.