Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Got Proactive. Now Freaking Out.

Downtown - The Market by foundimagination
I talked with (to?) a lot of people in the last week or two about how awful I was feeling about everything and how I felt lost and confused and like I didn't know what to do.

And everyone I talked to, my parents, my brother, my friends, my friends I wish were closer friends, all did a great job of listening and empa/sympathizing.

And while it didn't fix anything to talk about it all, it did help. It helped to say whatever it was, and just get it off my chest, even if just for a few minutes.

But even so, my last few weekends have still involved a whole lot of crying (who knew Glee could make me cry so much?) and a whole lot of still feeling really rough.

One of the themes that came out of the talking I did was how I was so sad I'd put my life on hold in some ways while waiting for a partner.

Buy a house? Wait until I have a husband and therefore a second income.

Go do adventurous things? Wait until I have a boyfriend and therefore someone to come with me.

Go do something I've always wanted to do? Um, like what? I don't know anymore what that passion might be. I bet if I had a husband, he'd help me find my passions again.

And that made me sad. To think that I've been waiting for something, someone else to come along so I could live *more*.

And so I started thinking about that and how, while I wasn't really ready to say I never wanted someone in my life (of course I do), I can at least admit that it might not happen and so I should stop putting my life on hold for it.

And do you know something I know I've always wanted in my life? Always, since I was a little girl?

A dog.

It's one thing I want to have in my life at some point, and, well, why not start thinking about that as a goal, as something to work towards.

I can't have a dog where I live. No pets at all. And I'd always told myself that the next time I moved, it would be into a place where I could get a dog.

But I also told myself that I wouldn't move until I could buy.

And that I wouldn't buy until I had a husband to help with the costs, and do you see where I'm going with this?

I met with a realtor last week.

And talked with the bank, and am meeting with a mortgage broker this week.

I'm looking into buying a place that will allow me to own a dog.

And being proactive? Taking the step to move forward with my life? Made me feel a lot better.

Not perfect, not over everything, not fixed, just... better.

But the whole thing is scary. Read: Freaky.

I'm not someone who enjoys looking at listings. I HATED looking for apartments when I moved here. I mean, look at me. I hate looking at places so much, I moved right back into my old apartment instead of looking for a new one. My life was in storage, it would have been a perfect time to look around and find a new place.

But no. It's not something I like doing in the slightest.

But I've got a ballpark idea of the price I could aim for and I've spent a bit of time on the mls listings.

And I'm freaking out.

It's just so overwhelming and I don't want to do it because my head starts hurting within minutes and how can anyone find this fun are they crazy?

(It's funny, the friends that I've told are so excited for me. I'm really really not. "THIS IS SO EXCITING" they shout, clapping their hands and jumping up and down. Um, no?)

But, we'll see. I survived the process of buying a new car, I can learn to survive this process too.

It'll be an experience, that's for sure.

So yeah, I'm freaking out and trying not to freak out, because really I don't have to do this, but, yeah. It's a different kind of stress than the stress that has me crying at everything and feeling broken, but maybe a while from now, both stresses will be less. Or gone.

That'd be nice.

15 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

hi there... i am not sure how old are you, i have just recently started to read your blog. but, whatever you are going through, i can very much identify them.

like you, i am also single and also putting a pause in everything i wanted to do till i get a partner. and, like you too... start figuring out how to get them without a partner because what if he never appear?

when you see those who are happily married (in movies or real life), you would have the feeling that "hey, i can be like them too" but when you see those who are single and alone in their old age, you may think...when they were younger, were they like me, thinking one day they would find their soul mate?

anyway... any chance for you to find another single who are looking to live on their own too? maybe the two of you can combine sources and get a house together? just a thought...

Wednesday, May 30, 2012 8:01:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

combine resources, i meant.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012 8:02:00 am  
Anonymous Bad.Days said...

Buying my place 4 years ago (by myself), was one of the greatest things I've ever done. It was also completely terrifying and I cried when I signed all the paperwork saying I would be paying the bank a load of money for the foreseeable future.

I still hope a man pops into my life, but until then I have a garden where I can putter away the time :)

Wednesday, May 30, 2012 9:31:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I bought my first house by myself and expereinced an amazing relief after I did that. it was a rental property as I couldn't afford the Vancouver prices but I didn't feel bad renting. Anyways, 13 days after I made the big investment I met my husband and we were married within 5 months. Just sayin...

Wednesday, May 30, 2012 11:29:00 am  
Anonymous Dominic said...

Good on you!

I have fish and a kitten, it was cheaper than getting a mortgage :)

Wednesday, May 30, 2012 12:57:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

I totally get what you're saying Anon :) And, I don't know anyone I'd want to live with and that's ok, but I knew a few people who lived with kind of roommates so that they could all afford a house together. ;)

Oh, I'll bet there will be a lot of crying on this end too B.D., for sure!

Gotcha Anonymous ;) You never know!

So true Dominic! :D

Wednesday, May 30, 2012 6:52:00 pm  
Blogger Yamuna said...

Look at you, you brave girl - facing your fears and moving forward with your life! It might be (very) freaky, but I can sense that it's all going to be worth it.

PS. Yes, dogs are the best :) They'll enrich your life in so many ways. I can't wait for you to get one!

Wednesday, May 30, 2012 11:36:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks Yamuna. I'm trying to feel brave about it! :)

(I can't wait for me to get one either, but it might be a while yet) ;)

Thursday, May 31, 2012 7:06:00 pm  
Anonymous michelle said...

Oh how I hear you. Get what you are saying. For me it is more about traveling. So I took a 2 week trip to Italy by myself and loved it.

The dog - GREAT IDEA - I love having my girl around when I get home. The best thing you can get after the house, and the dog, is a good dog walker - I have had the same one for 10 years and it is great to know there is someone other than family that will be there for you to help no matter what.

Hey, and if you ever want to visit Boston let me know. Dogs welcome! www.typicallibra.com was my old blog and I am now at http://the4012.wordpress.com

Thursday, May 31, 2012 7:53:00 pm  
Blogger Stephanie Hunter said...

I say: HIGH FIVE TO YOU! =) We've been in the same groove lately (me and you). This year, I decided I was not waiting anymore, and I bought a guitar. Not a house, but it's one of the things on my list!

Friday, June 01, 2012 10:18:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Good for you Michelle! And thanks for the dog walker advice :)

High five back at cha Stephanie! No more waiting is a good thing I think :)

Friday, June 01, 2012 4:58:00 pm  
Anonymous Elliott said...

Buying the first house is exciting and terrifying all at once. I bought my first house at 25 and still remember almost shaking signing the papers. I also remember buying my second house
(both times I was very single) which was equally scary as I had moved three hours from all my family and friends.

One tip...by sure to get a reputable house inspector and make your offer contingent on a clean inspection. Make sure the inspector checks the structure thoroughly - under siding, basement walls and floors, and garage (if there is one). That $300 - $400 is money well spent if there is an issue that has been hidden. Speaking from experience..

All the best and I hope you find your perfect home!

Saturday, June 02, 2012 9:23:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Good tip, for sure. I'll most likely not be able to get a house, but a townhouse or condo, but I'll make sure to get a good inspection done nonetheless!

Saturday, June 02, 2012 9:47:00 am  
Blogger johnsmith said...

hi,
i like your blog. I am single too and life gets very difficult being single, try to find a nice partner and get the support you need to live a good life.

Friday, June 15, 2012 9:02:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

thanks, and good luck!

Friday, June 15, 2012 8:38:00 pm  

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