Tuesday, 17 July 2012

Thrown Back

Down The Way by foundimagination
I've been fine for a while, relationship wise, I have.

The last couple of months have been all about talking about mortgages and looking at listings and wondering about dog-sitting and it was stressful, sure, but nice to have something to think about other than being single.

But the last couple of weekends, I've had a bit more time to breathe and, slightly bored, I checked out a few profiles on the online dating site.

I quite honestly couldn't be bothered to strike up a conversation with anyone, but there was one guy whose profile I really liked so I send him a hello and we started messaging.

We got along great via message, so much to talk about, so we decided to meet up this weekend.

I was, of course, nervous for the "blind meeting of random stranger from the internet" as usual, and he was a few minutes late to our meeting spot, which didn't help my nerves, but he was nice and cuter than his picture (which doesn't happen often) and so we wandered for a while and talked.

I felt nervous and awkward of course, not myself, which is always too bad in these meetings, but we had a lot to talk about (well, I talked a lot...too much it feels like, and he asked questions and well, yeah, lots to be said and talked about.)

After we'd walked a giant loop and ended back up at his car he kind of seemed like he wanted to keep talking, but we just sort of ended things and I asked for a hug (which in retrospect seems stupid) and he said he'd send me a message.

I don't know if you guys remember back to Steve from a couple of months ago, but I remember at the end of our dinner just having the feeling he wasn't interested.

And, I'm sorry to say, I had the same feeling at the end of this date this weekend.

Not that he didn't like me or that we didn't get along or anything like that. Just that this guy (yet again) wasn't interested in dating me or particularly getting to know me any further.

Sure, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he's just a little slow in sending me that message, you'll argue.

Yeah. Except no.

He's not interested.

He's had time.

He would have shown interest if he had it.

I hate that I'm right, but I'm right and it sucks.

And it hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts.

I think I give up on online dating. It doesn't work for me.

That cold-call meeting just doesn't suit me, and whoever it is that those guys meet? Whatever nervous, un-relaxed version of me those guys meet? They don't like.

But it still hurts. It's still rejection.

And like I said yesterday, I don't want to do it anymore.

I don't think I'll hear from this guy again, but if I do, if he's polite enough to send me a "thanks but no thanks" message, I'm deleting my account.

I see a nice guy, we chat, we arrange to meet, I get nervous, I worry, we meet, it goes "ok", he's not interested.

I'm not playing this game anymore. I hate it too much, I'm not getting any better at it, I don't enjoy it, it's not getting me anywhere, I can't handle the rejection.

I mean, think about it.

You liked my personality on paper and in writing enough to meet me. But then you met me and changed your mind.

How is that not going to sting?

(Oh, wait. I guess I should mention seeing him getting into his car with a pretty blonde the evening after our "date"? And how, while I know this could have been a friend/sister/whatever, it just kind of pushed me over the "well, fuck this" ledge. How was that for a kick in the teeth? "Well, no wonder he's not messaged me, he's out on a much more interesting date with a much prettier person. Fuck.")


Anonymous Janee said...

Hi Victoria! Just a few things that came to mind as I read your blog...first, please remember that for every prettier, more beautiful person out there, there is someone who is sick of them and someone who finds YOU more attractive than them. Also, I kind of feel like meeting the right person only happens when you aren't looking and stop caring so much. You know how when you absolutely NEED new clothes and have money to spend but then can't find anything you like, but then when you either don't need any or don't have the extra cash, all of the sudden you see the perfect EVERYTHING? (or is that just me?)...your post reminded me of a friend who was trying to get pregnant. She had tried for three years and just got convinced it wasn't going to happen. Then, when she gave up and wasn't even thinking about it anymore, she got the surprise of her life. And one last thing...the grass is always greener. Do you have any idea how many relationships there are where one or both people would give anything for the freedom and peace that comes with being single and not having to think about or compromise with another person (but for whatever reason, can't or won't get out of that relationship)? Anyway....I'm rambling, but just thought I'd let you know your hurt is understandable but he's out there and making his way to you. ;)

Tuesday, July 17, 2012 9:40:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

*hugs* be strong!

Tuesday, July 17, 2012 9:42:00 am  
Anonymous Dominic said...

When did you last have a proper holiday?

You sound like you need a holiday.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012 10:54:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know what you mean. I have tried online dating before and it just never works for me for the same reasons. This weekend I was really bored so I signed up for eharmony AGAIN. Less than 24 hours later I cancelled my subscription and put for my reason "this is not normal or natural" I think it works for some people but to me sending them stupid ass questions and answering theirs and blah blah blah is just too much. It is too much and I don't want to do it or deal with it. I am in the same boat as you.And it sucks. Katherine

Tuesday, July 17, 2012 11:04:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Hi Janee. I actually can't relate to the clothing thing, that might just be you! (I'm not a shopper, don't enjoy it, I know, weird, right?) But, yeah, thanks... I get what you're saying.

Thanks Anon.

I'm sure I do Dominic... now if you'd just like to arrange that with my bank account?

It totally does Katherine. Totally.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012 8:45:00 pm  
Anonymous Janee said...

Nope! Not weird. I actually loathe shopping, too. Can't stand going into the mall, which probably explains why, when I have to, I can't find anything I like or need because I'm always rushing to get out! ;)

Wednesday, July 18, 2012 12:47:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Whew! Not alone there either ;)

Wednesday, July 18, 2012 5:57:00 pm  
Anonymous RandomStranger said...

Yeah, I don't like the idea of someone judging me based on one date, a first-time meeting, where I'm definitely not going to be "completely myself". To really get to know someone takes time. Don't stress yourself out because of people (like this dude) who don't seem to get that.

Saturday, July 21, 2012 12:01:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

That's TOTALLY it.

And, thanks :)

Saturday, July 21, 2012 10:42:00 am  

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