Wednesday, 18 July 2012

But There It Is

See, I didn't quite expect a message from him that night, although that would have been an excellent sign he was into me. But I was a little bummed there wasn't one in the morning.

I knew he had plans for that next day, so didn't really expect a message for most of the day, but then as the day turned into evening and there was still no message, I started to feel a little discouraged. I know how this works, you see.

I went for a walk, to clear my mind and get some fresh air, having already run the gamut during the day from "it's his loss, I rock!" to "good god I'm fat and ugly, no wonder" to "no, I'm not fat or ugly, get a grip" to "man, it sucks that he's not interested".

I suppose I was still hopeful, at that point, that there'd be a message waiting. He'd been pretty consistent over the week or so we'd been talking, and usually messaged around the same time every day.

Besides, we'd originally arranged to meet that very evening, but changed it to the night before when plans changed. He said it'd work better for him that way anyway. So I guess in my mind I figured he'd be home, having, perhaps, thought of me at some point during the day, sitting down to write a message, hopefully about the next time we could meet and spend time together.

But, then again, there was still that thought lingering at the back of my head, that gut feeling from the end of our date that he wasn't all that interested.

I mean, at least with what's his face from last summer, when we met that first time, I knew he wanted to see me again, I could tell. And he did. And he let me know he liked me, right up until the moment he didn't.

So I was mildly hopeful perhaps, as I rounded the corner and headed up another street on my walk. And I'm not sure why I glanced across the road, and I'm sure it was ironic that I'd just been thinking about him and his car because that glance across the road took me right to his car, and him. And the blonde getting into his car.

He wasn't at home, writing me a message. He was out.

Possibly on a date. Probably on a date.

"Hey, turns out I am free that night, things opened up, let's grab dinner."

Because it's not like he owed me anything. We just met. No one's saying you can't date ten people at once until you decide to just stick with one. And it's not like it's the first time a guy's dumped me because he was going out with someone else from the dating site and ended up liking her more.

But it still hurt.

And it really does lead me back to the thought I keep coming back to recently - I think, perhaps, I'm just meant to be alone.

I think maybe I'm not built for a romantic relationship. I think maybe I'm just meant to live the rest of my life with it just being me.

And my parents will be gone one of these days, the two people who are built to love me. The two people who gave me parts of my heart and soul. And after them, there is just me. And really, even with them here, there is just me because they have each other. As does everyone else in my life.

So this is the mourning I think I need to process. The fact that it is probably, for the rest of my life, in a very real way, just going to be me. I'm going to be single and alone from now on.

And since there is no getting younger and I'm heading towards what may be the mid-point of my life, or close to it, I can't begin to tell you how sad I am to look into that length and see me never having someone close to share it with.

And, yes, this one small event reminded me of this. I am a good person. I am likeable. There are people who like me and people who love me. I am a good person. I'm just not someone anyone wants to be with.

And maybe I used to be, but maybe I just slept my way into relationships and thought that meant they loved me.

So it's going to be just me, and I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to be ok with that.

But there it is.

11 Comments:

Anonymous Bad.Days said...

I’m also at the stage of trying to come to terms with being a lifelong single, and it’s rough. I know I’ll have my sister and friends and their kids in my life, but as you said they sort of belong to each other.

I tell all the well-meaning people in my life that I “never say never” (mostly just to get them off my back), but I also thinks it doesn’t hurt to at least realize that being single the rest of my life is a distinct possibility. Better to be over prepared for it than to let it surprise me out of the blue in 15 years. And if I’m completely wrong, then I’ll be thrilled.

Hopefully we’ll both find a happy place, whether it’s with a partner or without :)

Wednesday, July 18, 2012 8:39:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Victoria,

I know how you're feeling. I really do. Though my plight has been different, there are days I feel like that, too. Heck, with a young child now I wonder if it's even fair to the other person to try and start again.

But, this is what I do know. That person is out there for you. Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome will look you in the eye and realize that you're a catch and he's not going to let you go. And, I can't wait to read all about it right here!

-Notducking...

Wednesday, July 18, 2012 9:56:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is so depressing :(

Wednesday, July 18, 2012 10:07:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Once again I find myself reading your blog and thinking that you are somehow plucking my thoughts right out of my head! But I will share this with you...the other day I was lamenting to my sister about the exact same thing as you and I said: maybe I should just up and marry whomever will have me (cause you and I both know Victoria that if it was a simple case of just being with someone, anyone, we could be) and my wise sister told me "You don't want to marry just anybody because then you would be in a relationship without love FOREVER, whereas if you wait (and waiting may mean another 30 years even), if you hold out, that possibility of love is there forever and better to have the possibility of love than a relationship without love."

From that my dear Victoria, I hope you find strength and happiness. It's frustrating, I know, but at least we have hope...right!?!?!?!?

Wednesday, July 18, 2012 1:05:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Bad.Days, that's totally how I feel right now... "being single the rest of my life is a distinct possibility". Yup. May as well accept it. And if it turns out otherwise? Great.

Thanks NotDucking.

Sorry Anonymous.

I do think that sometimes, Anon, that someone should just throw some random, nice enough guy at me and I'll make a marriage work. *shrug*

Wednesday, July 18, 2012 5:56:00 pm  
Blogger Dateafrenchman said...

This post made me feel really sad. I felt the same way not so long ago. I really thought that I just wouldn't find someone. Then I met a guy I immediately just clicked with. I'm 39. It took me that long. Sometimes you just have to be patient. Don't lose hope. Just keep pushing forward. You don't want to end up with any old body, you want to end up with the man you've been waiting for. So that's all you can do - put yourself in the position to meet guys, and wait. If I can do it, so can you xx

Thursday, July 19, 2012 2:17:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks Datea... I'll try....

Thursday, July 19, 2012 6:00:00 pm  
Anonymous Jonathan said...

I don't know how to write this without it sounding like a pass... so I'll just say it.

If I had still been single, and stumbled upon your blog, I would have flown half way around the world to find you.

Maybe I'm a romantic, or an eccentric, or whatever, but there it is.

Friday, July 20, 2012 3:17:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

That's completely adorable and helped cheer me up a great deal. Thanks :)

Friday, July 20, 2012 4:17:00 pm  
Anonymous F said...

Well, Jonathan, I wouldn't have flown anywhere to go out with her even if I was single.

But then again, I'm her brother. Hugs and kisses, little sister.

Sunday, July 22, 2012 1:37:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks bro.

Sunday, July 22, 2012 9:58:00 pm  

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