'Spection

This is going to sound weird (maybe) but I wish I could be the perfect person I always think I should be.

But then as I type that out I realize that maybe that's not a good thought, or not a helpful one.

It's just...I spend a lot of time in my mind going over what I should have done, or, often, what I shouldn't have done.  What I shouldn't have thought, what I should have said.  And if I was better, perfect-er, I wouldn't have those thoughts.  I'd just sit and think "yes, I did all that I could/should have."

Or, at least, that's the theory.

So when I don't get to the end of a day thinking "yes, I did all that I could/should have", I instead have the thoughts of "good lord I'm a bad person, let's sit and think through all of the things I didn't say/do correctly, and how lazy I have to be to not have done/said them."

And that's exhausting.

But when I think about it logically (as sometimes typing out a blog post forces me to do) it seems that my berating myself for being less than what I think I should be isn't entirely helpful.  Or helpful at all maybe.

I think about Mother Theresa and all the wonderful work she did and how it stunned people when they published her private journals that she was not perfect in her thoughts.  Even the most amazing of us, the holiest, so to say, is not without frustration and anger.

So what do I do instead of beating myself up?  Because some of the things I don't like are things worthy of change.

So maybe instead, I just remind myself of the direction I want to be facing, or the path I want to be on, or whatever the metaphor might be.  I don't know.

I just both wish I was perfect and easier on myself and I never know which one's going to win out.

Last night it was the Perfectionist.

She's a bit of a cow, but the Gentler me forgives her for even that.