Thursday, 13 December 2012

Babbling

Grown by foundimagination
I  feel like so much has gone on in the past month or so, and I've told you about most of it; Vince certainly.  But there's something that sort of set all of that off, in my mind at least, and I haven't sat down and typed that one out yet.

I guess maybe it's just a matter of actually doing it rather than talking about doing it, so here goes.

Do you remember in mid-November, when there was a comment left that threw me off, mentally, a little?

Well, after I sort of thought my way through, (and wrote out my way through,) what all that meant for me writing wise, I sat for a while, sorting through what all the comment meant for me, relationship wise.

Because what I know, that you don't is that around the time Smith and I were breaking up, I had a massive, unexpected, (unwanted perhaps?) realization that made me question everything about how I'd approached relationships, and really, sex.

The details of what I discovered and learned are not ones I'll likely share here (although never say never as Mr Beiber might say) but I decided I needed to change how I was approaching relationships, and that meant changing my "sleep with you first, ask questions later" modus operandi, and instead, meet someone, get to know them, and then maybe sleeping with them.

I think I took a year or so, honestly, after Smith to get over him and then to process what I'd learned about myself and my past.  Bird, if you'll remember, happened around that time, and I was very close with him, and somewhat baffled when we didn't end up sleeping together.

After that, I would meet someone here or there.  Through friends for the first while, but things just never clicked.  I wasn't interested in them, they turned me off, or made me feel panicky or something.  And similarly, when S convinced me to try online dating, I would meet someone and never hear from them again, or not want to see them again, Chad being the only minor exception to that.

A lot of that time I spent lamenting the fact that I just couldn't meet anyone, while forgetting that I was, in fact, meeting people and just not liking them.  Or, at times, I would lament the fact that I was meeting people, but they just weren't liking me, I was obviously unlikeable and that cycle gets really old and really draining really fast.

So when the comment was made, and shook me up, I realized that it was time to sit and think.  I always try to do that when someone says something that really really hurts or upsets me, so that I can find the truth or lesson or whatever it may be within what they said.

And when I thought things over, I wasn't upset at my writing, I was happy that I keep on writing here even when things are blue.  But I did start to wonder about my relationship "issues" and what part in that I might be playing.

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