I don't ever wonder what Jay's thinking because he tells me. And if I do wonder? I just ask. And then he tells me.
And he's open about how he's feeling, whether it's "man, I'm having a rough day at work here" or it's "you know what, I really like you" he tells me.
And it feels really nice.
It feels really nice to hear what he's thinking and feeling and, I'll blush when I type this, it's really nice to hear how he's feeling about me.
And I believe him.
It's the strangest thing. Or maybe it's not. But the more I talk with him and get to know him, the more I like myself. It's like, hey, I really think this guy is cool and interesting and kind and caring, and he likes me. And if he likes me? There must be things about me to like.
Which is funny, and maybe a little sad, because I feel like I used to know that about myself. And it's not that I *didn't*, it's just that it's easier to see it through someone else's eyes.
There's an amazing joy in thinking, or maybe being reminded that I have a lot to offer. Not just to my job and my friends and my family, but to a significant person.
I think I forgot that over the years. Not just over the years of being single, but over the years of being in less than stellar, supportive relationships.
Because if Jay is anything, it's supportive.
This man is accepting of my flaws.. the one's he's met via this process anyway (hello, I'm insecure and worry a lot, and I haven't hidden it from him) and that leads me to start believing that he will be accepting of any other flaws that may show up when he meets me in person (of course I'm mostly believing those will be flaws of physical appearance, but that's my issue to work through, not his.)
And so because we've always been open and honest with each other, when I say to him, hey, I feel like maybe what I'm about to say will scare you away (insecurity and anxiety gang up on me a lot, the bastards) he listens and then says, hey, no problem, I'm not scared away, I'm still here.
And it makes me feel like fainting and crying and jumping for joy all at once.
So because I've forbidden myself from having more than fleeting moments of "what if", I just stay in the moment of what we have now. And what we have now is a really good, solid, healthy relationship that's been built on honesty, openness and trust.
Like, wow.
Where did this guy come from, right?
14 comments:
> Where did this guy come from, right?
He's me.
I kept meaning to tell you.
Sorry.
;)
Well, THAT explains a lot! :)
This is called Advice From a Single Girl after all, so here I am, looking for advice.
*Rant alert*
In November, an old friend of 6 years arrived at my parents' house at midnight in, let's say, City X. He was in town to attend a wedding, and I told him he could crash at my place. My idea of how that night would go, since we weren't the CLOSEST friends: say hello, chat for a little while, and go to sleep.
Instead, we ended up sitting on the porch, drinking and talking until 5 am, taking little smoke walks in between.
We had a great time during the rest of his trip, but everything was very platonic. He called a couple of times after he returned to his city (City Y), and we found ourselves becoming better friends.
We're both from City Z (this isn't too confusing, is it?), and so in December we were both in City Z for the holidays. By this time, I had started to develop a little something for him, thanks to all the incredible conversation we had.
Christmas Eve in City Z: He picked me up on his bike, we headed to the beach where we sat and talked (profound stuff, too) until it turned dark, at which point we headed to a pub. It was in the pub that he decided to tell me about his past relationship. He was in love with a girl for 5 years, they planned to wed, but things didn't work out and he was dumped. This happened about a year ago. It's awful, and if I was sober I would've been completely sympathetic. But I wasn't sober, and my first reaction was an unexpected sense of sadness. I think it showed on my face. I asked him if he wasn't over her yet, and he said he wasn't. Let me just say that the next day - Christmas - was awful, I spent it moping around the house, crying. Crazy, because I didn't expect to react so strongly, and I've never ACTUALLY cried over a guy before.
He called a few days later, and we hung out again. It was raining, and we spent EIGHT hours in a pub. Talking. About everything. But by then I'd convinced myself to not expect anything, and to simply appreciate the friendship we shared.
Nope, the story's not over yet...
He returns to City Y, and I stay in Z. Over the next two weeks, we email/text constantly. Not a day goes by without it. We talk on the phone a couple of times, each time for an hour or so. One night he calls at 11 pm, and we talk on the phone until 3 am. FOUR hours. He tells me I'm the only person in his life he trusts right now.
When he was in City Z earlier, he met the ex. Just for old times' sake, along with another old friend. He texted me while he was with her.
So, yes, I did fall for him.
I have to add this. His ex is pretty conservative. He knows I'm not. He knows I've lived abroad, made out with men, and that I don't think it is a big deal.
He arrived in City Z again last week, for a mutual friend's wedding. He wanted to hang out on Wednesday, I was busy. We met for lunch and a movie on Thursday. The only difference was there was DEFINITELY something there this time - I could feel it, it was so tangible. The previous times, we'd formed this intense emotional connection. This time, there was sexual tension, and it was obvious to the both of us. We could feel it on the bike, in the movie theater when he leaned over, in the glances. And, yes, I caught him stealthily checking out my, ahem, chest quite a few times. He asked if I was free on Saturday, and we planned to hang out. That same evening (Thursday), he headed to the engagement ceremony of our mutual friend which I did not attend. His ex was there, and he sent me a text saying - "She's here, I've been trying to avoid her. She sat next to me in the dining hall, and I managed to shift seats in a subtle manner." Now why do you suppose he would tell me that?
On Friday evening, we attended the wedding with a few other friends, including his ex. Things were going very well, there was something in the glances we gave each other, he was by my side the entire time, and he didn't even glance at his ex. When his close friend (someone I'd never spoken to until that night) and I were talking, and I told him about something I had done, he would say - "Yeah, I know, he (meaning HIM) told me." And I would think - "He talks to his close friend about me. Hmmm."
And then Saturday came along. No call, no text, no message saying - look I won't be able to hang out, sorry. Perhaps it was silly to get upset over something like this, but I was extremely upset. Thoughts of Christmas Day, and me moping around the house crying, came to mind. Fearing the worst, I called him in the evening to make sure he was okay, and he chatted casually about how he was held up with family stuff. Which is fine by me, except tell me if you won't be able to hang out so I don't cancel MY plans for you! I cut him short, said I was almost at the gym, and hung up.
At 9 pm, he texts saying: "I know you'll decline. But (his friend from the other night) and I are drinking at his place. Please try and come. You can crash here since there's noone else here." I didn't bother replying.
The thing is, I'm leaving for Israel in a month. And if we'd hung out on Saturday, that would have been the last time he would see me in a loooong while.
That's when I wondered - what was I, a distraction? Perhaps this was all just a physical thing, perhaps he thought I was easy? There was definitely something between us, but - if he genuinely liked me - he wouldn't not call and then send a random text at night. And - worst of all - perhaps all of the talk and the friendship stuff was simply bullshit.
I decided that I couldn't deal with the hurt and the complication and the weirdness of whatever this was anymore - I'm straightforward, I don't like drama. Ad I'm sympathetic about his breakup - I was there for him every time he needed to talk - but I was tired of being treated like a convenient distraction. He left for City Z last night, we spoke on the phone before he left, and I was very casual. He said he'd call tomorrow, I was noncommittal.
He sent me a text later at night, saying: "I'm miserable and liberated by the fact that I got dumped. It feels like I have a whole lot more possibilities and freedom to fail than I did when I was in a relationship. On the other side, I'm still miserable because it seems like I have little idea what's in store few years ahead and it's driving me crazy (I know it's super stupid)."
My response? "I have a splitting headache thanks to all the cigarettes I'm assuming, and you think/worry too much. Go to sleep." Was that rude?
Perhaps I'm over-reacting and reading into thing, or perhaps I am not. But here's the thing: I'm tired of being hurt, tired of being confused, tired of being his shrink when he doesn't even ask - even just as a friend - about how I feel or what is going on in my life generally. No, I don't want to lose the friendship we share, but - in all honesty - I'm not entirely sure it is a real friendship anymore.
Alright, I'm done - if you manage to read this never-ending comment anytime soon, I'd love some insight. What do you think/what would you do? What SHOULD I do? Help!
Ok, RandomStranger, I'm reading through your comments and will get back to you with some thoughts for what they're worth...
Ok. I have to say, I'm coming from only knowing the tiniest part of this story. I don't know you or him or your background or where you're from or where you've been or are coming from so it's hard for me to really know what advice to give you.
From what I read here, it seems like you connected with him and you both enjoyed talking and then somehow you got upset by his past, and started putting up walls to protect yourself.
And then I get sort of confused because from your end you seem to shut things down and sound bitter and angry and I don't know why you got there or where that came from.
I guess I don't know, really, other than you pushed him away before even knowing what he wanted? I think, if he is someone you would consider a relationship with you should talk to him about how you feel and find out what he's thinking.
On my end, you like this guy, and feel close to him in some way and .... ? If you feel like the relationship is already too one-sided because he gets to pour out his problems to you, but you don't get the same support from him, then that can be addressed. Even at a friendship level, I don't want a friend who tells me all their issues and never wants to hear mine. That's uneven.
So if you want an even relationship with him, say "hey, I was there for you and liked being there for you but if we're to be friends, or anything more, I would love to share my life too" or.. something like that.
I don't know why you shut him down, and my guess is that the feeling of frustration came from feeling like things were one sided.
Yes, I think your text back to him was a little rude, and you maybe think so too or you wouldn't have asked. So I still don't really know what to say other than, yes, it's fair to want to protect yourself, especially when you've been hurt before, but not everyone's going to hurt you and at some point you have to take a risk even if you do get hurt again.
I think you're trying to guess at what he's feeling/thinking and that's not a fun game to play. I say either talk all this out with him, or try to make it and him less important to you and your life.
Any of that help or even make sense at all? I have no idea.
Just.. be gentle with yourself and kind with yourself and be as happy as you can be with our without someone else.
Hugs.
Thanks :)
Yeah? :) Hope it helps somehow. *hugs*
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