Wednesday, 16 January 2013

Well, That Didn't Feel Nice

I told Jay about this blog, and he asked if he could read it.

I said, sure, but maybe just not right away.

I said that partially it was because I wanted him to get to know ME first, before he got to know this version/side of me.

And also partially because once he's read some of the stories here, I'll feel like I'm telling them to him twice.

But I also wanted him to know more about who I am, and my writing is a part of that, as is my photography, and well, they're both represented here.

So I sent him the link and then started reading through some of my archives to see what he'd be reading.

And my early stuff makes me laugh.

Which then makes me a little sad because I was lighter and freer way back in 2006, and how *did* I lose that?

(And, on a side note, I found a few typos and broken links that I feel like I should go back and fix, but soon. Let's just put that on the "to do" list for now.)

I fast forwarded through a few years to see what I'd written about Smith, the last significant relationship (Bird and Chad not really included in "significant") I've spoken about here, and reading through those thoughts really upset me.

Upset me because I'd forgotten how much I was hurting, and how sad I felt through most of our relationship, beyond the heady early days.

And then, upset me because I started to think... crap, what if I'm doing the same thing here... and my mind wandered off down that unhappy road for a while.

But then I stopped myself.

First off.  Jay is not Smith.

Not at all.  Not even close.

With Smith?  I never knew where I stood, or where we stood.  And with Jay, I know exactly where we both are, and were we are as an "us".

And although Jay and I may not have met yet, we're already really close.  And we've already talked through some problems and some worries and some things that are really healthy and adult and, well, what I'd always hoped for in a relationship.

But maybe even more than that?

I'm not the same anymore.

I'm not the same person I was when I met Smith.

And I have to remember that too.

And I have to remember to stop jumping ahead.  Or behind, I suppose.

Jay and I have a really good thing right now.

And the future will happen when it happens and we will figure that out and deal with that then.  Not now.

We've committed to getting to know each other, and to working through any initial awkwardness when we meet, and we've committed to figuring out, for good or bad, what to do once we do get to meet.

That was never a commitment I had or felt from Smith.

So, this is different.

But, still.  It's hard to look back on old posts and see where I was hopeful and tried to make something work that didn't.

And it's hard to want to protect myself from doing the same thing, possibly, again.

But that's not fair to me, or to Jay, or to anything, really.

Smith and I weren't meant to be, and I struggled to make it be.

I don't know yet if Jay and I are meant to be (but I think, and hope, and very often believe we are) but I'm not struggling.  It's just... good.  And simple.  And feels right.

Smith never felt right.  Or, I suppose "Smith and I together" never felt right.

Jay does.  And Jay and I do.

So no more comparisons.  Just what is.

Oh, and a mental note to myself?  Don't re-read the old posts about things and guys that didn't work out.  It'll just make you feel blue. 

The end.


Blogger Laura said...

Sometimes I re-read old posts of mine from my last relationship. And i am very sad for that girl I was. So lost and ready to settle. I want to send her a message and tell her that it actually does get awesome. Because 2 and half years after I finally left that relationship, the man I am going to be with forever got down on his knee and asked me to be his wife. And all the hurt and sadness was worth it because it made me stronger for my soon to be husband.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013 11:05:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Awwwwwww! *Jumps up and down with excitement for you!* :D

Wednesday, January 16, 2013 7:28:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks for sharing :)

Wednesday, January 16, 2013 7:28:00 pm  
Blogger Dateafrenchman said...

You told Jay about your blog?!! Wow, first of all I thought, why on earth? But then I guess if you guys are being totally transparent and non-judgemental, why not. Pretty sure he's drinking in your latest posts and basking in the lurrrve :)

Friday, January 18, 2013 2:38:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

I did Datea :) Yes, to be completely transparent :D

Friday, January 18, 2013 1:56:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I identified with your fears about sharing your blog with Jay. My blog is slowing becoming a part of my life since writing is a good and healthy release. Sometimes I think if I share my blog with men I meet they could see how other men have screwed up and perhaps avoid doing it....or would I just be prolonging the inevitable? Hehe, I guess we will see! :)

Thursday, January 24, 2013 10:15:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

It's a tricky one that's for sure! ;)

Thursday, January 24, 2013 4:16:00 pm  

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