Well, That Didn't Feel Nice

I told Jay about this blog, and he asked if he could read it.

I said, sure, but maybe just not right away.

I said that partially it was because I wanted him to get to know ME first, before he got to know this version/side of me.

And also partially because once he's read some of the stories here, I'll feel like I'm telling them to him twice.

But I also wanted him to know more about who I am, and my writing is a part of that, as is my photography, and well, they're both represented here.

So I sent him the link and then started reading through some of my archives to see what he'd be reading.

And my early stuff makes me laugh.

Which then makes me a little sad because I was lighter and freer way back in 2006, and how *did* I lose that?

(And, on a side note, I found a few typos and broken links that I feel like I should go back and fix, but soon. Let's just put that on the "to do" list for now.)

I fast forwarded through a few years to see what I'd written about Smith, the last significant relationship (Bird and Chad not really included in "significant") I've spoken about here, and reading through those thoughts really upset me.

Upset me because I'd forgotten how much I was hurting, and how sad I felt through most of our relationship, beyond the heady early days.

And then, upset me because I started to think... crap, what if I'm doing the same thing here... and my mind wandered off down that unhappy road for a while.

But then I stopped myself.

First off.  Jay is not Smith.

Not at all.  Not even close.

With Smith?  I never knew where I stood, or where we stood.  And with Jay, I know exactly where we both are, and were we are as an "us".

And although Jay and I may not have met yet, we're already really close.  And we've already talked through some problems and some worries and some things that are really healthy and adult and, well, what I'd always hoped for in a relationship.

But maybe even more than that?

I'm not the same anymore.

I'm not the same person I was when I met Smith.

And I have to remember that too.

And I have to remember to stop jumping ahead.  Or behind, I suppose.

Jay and I have a really good thing right now.

And the future will happen when it happens and we will figure that out and deal with that then.  Not now.

We've committed to getting to know each other, and to working through any initial awkwardness when we meet, and we've committed to figuring out, for good or bad, what to do once we do get to meet.

That was never a commitment I had or felt from Smith.

So, this is different.

But, still.  It's hard to look back on old posts and see where I was hopeful and tried to make something work that didn't.

And it's hard to want to protect myself from doing the same thing, possibly, again.

But that's not fair to me, or to Jay, or to anything, really.

Smith and I weren't meant to be, and I struggled to make it be.

I don't know yet if Jay and I are meant to be (but I think, and hope, and very often believe we are) but I'm not struggling.  It's just... good.  And simple.  And feels right.

Smith never felt right.  Or, I suppose "Smith and I together" never felt right.

Jay does.  And Jay and I do.

So no more comparisons.  Just what is.







Oh, and a mental note to myself?  Don't re-read the old posts about things and guys that didn't work out.  It'll just make you feel blue. 

The end.