When I had the... well, can we call it a panic attack?... last week about Jay, and my friend pointed out that I have a tendency to want to say "screw it all" and end things completely, be overly black or white about it, all or nothing, I made myself a note rather than deleting the emails of Jay's that I'd saved.
(Because, somehow, I figured if I never saw another word he'd written, it would be easier to move on from it all.)
I've found that when I'm really upset about something, I try to get to a point of asking myself is this me? Or is it them?
And so I was surprised when I found the note because I'd completely forgotten writing it; must have written it when quite upset and emotional.
Here's the question I left for myself "Is it that he isn't who I want him to be or that he isn't there when I need him, which is now."
And I guess what I meant is, I can't expect everyone to always be able to be there for me when I need them. I'm not sure that that's fair or humanly possible, although it would be nice.
And so, was the hurt I was feeling more because he wasn't able to be there for me in that moment? Because it felt like something bigger... something un-overcomeable.
And if I had, as my friend said "flipped the table" at that point, and walked out, cut my ties and burnt my bridges, I would never have had the opportunity to calm down, reflect, take stock, see my part and where I had over-reacted or reacted poorly or selfishly and get to the good place Jay and I are at again.
I know most of this only makes half sense to you guys, and I know that's frustrating. It's frustrating for all of us because then I see you guys trying to fill in blanks and you want to then save me from what I'm doing to myself, but I only give you half the story. Sometimes less than that.
And I save a lot of it for more private conversations or private thoughts. And I'm sorry for that. Sorry I can't give you 100% of it all, but it's not just my privacy anymore, you know?
So I'm sorry for the filtering, and I just want to thank you for being protective of me and my heart, but you don't have to be. I'm looking out for me, I am.
And I have good people in my life who are looking out for me too.
Not that you're not good people. You know what I mean though, yeah?
I'm just saying. Sometimes I have to call myself on my own shit.
And this was one of those times. I just didn't know I was doing it at the time.