Monday, 18 February 2013

Like I See It

When I had the... well, can we call it a panic attack?... last week about Jay, and my friend pointed out that I have a tendency to want to say "screw it all" and end things completely, be overly black or white about it, all or nothing, I made myself a note rather than deleting the emails of Jay's that I'd saved.

(Because, somehow, I figured if I never saw another word he'd written, it would be easier to move on from it all.)

I've found that when I'm really upset about something, I try to get to a point of asking myself is this me?  Or is it them?

And so I was surprised when I found the note because I'd completely forgotten writing it; must have written it when quite upset and emotional.

Here's the question I left for myself  "Is it that he isn't who I want him to be or that he isn't there when I need him, which is now."

And I guess what I meant is, I can't expect everyone to always be able to be there for me when I need them.  I'm not sure that that's fair or humanly possible, although it would be nice.

And so, was the hurt I was feeling more because he wasn't able to be there for me in that moment?  Because it felt like something bigger... something un-overcomeable.

And if I had, as my friend said "flipped the table" at that point, and walked out, cut my ties and burnt my bridges, I would never have had the opportunity to calm down, reflect, take stock, see my part and where I had over-reacted or reacted poorly or selfishly and get to the good place Jay and I are at again. 

I know most of this only makes half sense to you guys, and I know that's frustrating.  It's frustrating for all of us because then I see you guys trying to fill in blanks and you want to then save me from what I'm doing to myself, but I only give you half the story.  Sometimes less than that.

And I save a lot of it for more private conversations or private thoughts.  And I'm sorry for that.  Sorry I can't give you 100% of it all, but it's not just my privacy anymore, you know?

So I'm sorry for the filtering, and I just want to thank you for being protective of me and my heart, but you don't have to be.  I'm looking out for me, I am.

And I have good people in my life who are looking out for me too.

Not that you're not good people.  You know what I mean though, yeah?

I'm just saying.  Sometimes I have to call myself on my own shit.

And this was one of those times.  I just didn't know I was doing it at the time.


Happydog said...

This is as very good post...well at least I liked it. I've very consiously NOT given you advice, mainly because meh what do I know? But more importantly I'm patient enough and have read you long enough to know you'll figure this stuff out for yourself and then share that process genously with us. So it's not that I don't care. It's because I trust you.

Victoria said...

Thanks Happydog. That's probably the sweetest thing anyone could have said to me right now. Thank you. Really. :)


Jonathan said...

I live in a world of filtered words. When I look back at the posts I wrote years ago, they are far more open, more candid than anything I write these days.

Victoria said...

Fair enough Jonathan.