Monday, 25 February 2013

Month

This has been a rough month for me.  Mentally, emotionally.  Feelings-ly. (I just made it a word, shush.)  Difficult.

But Jay will also be back in a month.  Well, within a month.  The exact date is yet to be determined depending on work projects and the like.

What's been most difficult for me is the un stability (leave me alone I can make up words if I want!) of my moods.  Or my feelings.  Or my brain.  Or all of the above.

I can go through a day and swing from ok to feeling awful, or I can feel solid and secure and happy one day and wake up the next and be angry and insecure and afraid.

Part of me wishes I could blame hormones or something, but I think it's just my over-thinking more than anything.

I'm trying to answer questions I can't possibly answer without meeting Jay and spending time with him.  But for whatever reason... how I was brought up, how I was wired, how my circuits got formed, whatever it is, I find it hard to not know things.  I find the unknown terrifying.

Yes, it's a control issue, and yes, I know vaguely where it comes from and why I ended up like this, and sure, I'm hoping that I can learn to let go somewhat as this is apparently pushing all my buttons at once, but man, it's hard.

I felt crazy this week.

And only slightly less than crazy the week before.

And feeling crazy makes me feel even more insecure because who wants to hang out with crazy?  NOT EVEN ME!

Sigh.

I can't even explain it to you guys here, I just have hated how I've been feeling lately and I know it's all down to my head and my thoughts and that makes me even more frustrated.

Maybe I'll try to distract myself this week, talk about other things.  Or at least try to write when I'm feeling either up or neutral...

Or maybe this will just be an easier week all round, who knows?

But, yeah.

It's been a(nother?) rough week.

I won't miss February for its emotional rollercoaster-ness.  Other than that it was fine.

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