While I'm trying to keep myself on an even(ish) keel while counting down until the time when Jay and I can finally actually meet in person for realsies, I do occasionally slip into happy, giddy, I can't help but smile over it day dream type thoughts.
Like, I was sitting here just thinking about how it might be when we meet, and if we come back to my place to sit and chat and how that might turn into us cuddling on the couch.
And then my brain, being my brain, starts to think... do I even remember how to cuddle?
Like... it's been so long! (says my brain) How does it happen? What do I... do?
Do I... lean up against him? Or beside him? Or like... ARGH?
And the argh is usually the rest of my brain going seriously? We're thinking about this? We're WORRYING???? about this?
And then half of my brain shakes it's head at the other half of my brain which is actually still just trying to figure out the logistics of it all... because that's what it does... for better or for worse.
And so I end up sort of pep talking myself into remembering that I get hugs/cuddles/whatever you want to call it from my parents whenever I want them, and that Bird and I figured out the whole cuddling thing just fine and I'm sure it'll just work out.
But then some half of my brain (I'm never really sure which one) starts thinking about how nice it will feel and how it's always cool when you have your head on someone's chest and you can hear their heart beat and won't it be neat to hear Jay's heartbeat? And then the other half of my brain is somewhere between wanting to roll its eyes and giggly and then a smile sneaks onto my face and I just kind of go with it for a moment before the Cher part of my brain sort of gives me a "snap out of it!" mental slap.
And then I start thinking about being just back on the couch sitting with him and maybe he'll reach out and take my hand and then my brain and I get all giggly again and the Cher part sort of rolls its eyes and gives up.
I worry about not remembering how to cuddle.
Or I at least ruminate about it.
*shakes head at self*