Saturday, 30 March 2013
Wherein I Lose My Everloving Mind
Like, I didn't even know if we'd get along, or if he'd like me, and here I didn't even have a say in when we got to meet?
I went out for lunch with a co-worker on Saturday, mainly to distract myself, but also for the company. And we talked, of course, about Jay and how he wasn't going to be here until Monday.
I mentioned that he'd suggested I go see him, but explained to my friend that I just didn't feel comfortable going over. I pointed out that I really didn't know him. And that I didn't know the friends he was staying with, and that I didn't know where the place was and that all of these things just added up to it all being so far out of my comfort zone I just couldn't handle it.
I was scared enough about meeting him without adding all the rest of it to the pile, I explained.
We had a good talk, and she didn't judge, just listened, and gave advice that didn't actually tell me to do anything other than what I was comfortable with and wouldn't regret or feel badly about upon looking back.
I got home later that afternoon and Jay was online. He told me that his friends had just left for the weekend and was I sure I didn't want to come over? There would be plenty of hugs waiting for me...
No. I said. I'm not sure. I'm not sure I don't want to come over. I don't know what to do.
And you know those moments when you know what you should do but you just don't want to do it? Or, like when you're deciding between two choices in the vending machine and you choose one and as it's falling out of it's slot you realize you really wanted the other one?
Well, I suddenly realized I didn't want to just sit there and be sad and miserable and anxious to meet him, when he was a drive and a ferry ride away.