Wednesday, 15 May 2013
This whole relationship with Jay has been pushing me outside of my need to control everything about everything.
I mean, of course, life doesn't work that way, but still, I do have a fair amount of control over most things in my life... my day to day, but from the start, I've had to let go of trying to control this.
I've had to do a whole lot of breathing, and reminding myself to just let it be whatever it's going to be.
And even more than that, this has been pushing me, in a wonderful way, to be in the moment.
Even when Jay and I first were getting to know each other and I'd worry about what might happen if/when we met and then I'd just remind myself to enjoy this particular day and the bond we were forming and how much I was enjoying getting to know him and talk to him and have him as part of my life.
And then when we were first spending time together and he wasn't sure about what work might want from him and instead of spending these weeks together spending ALL my time worrying about what it might be like if he lived somewhere else, I just have been doing my best to be here, in this moment, with him here and us together.
Jay is always, when I am feeling sad about him leaving, reminding me that he's not leaving *now*. That right now, here we are hugging, or watching something together, or holding hands wandering around downtown.
A couple of times in the last few days I've told him that there's just too much sad and I have to get rid of some of it and you guys? It's true. I'll just cry for a few minutes and he'll hold me and then I'll feel less better and I'll remind myself that he's not gone yet and we'll go and do whatever fun thing it was we were going to do and I don't waste the entire time being sad.
Sure, I'm sad that things are going to change. I could quite happily just stay like this forever and ever, the two of us, in the same space, the same bed, sharing our lives; someone for me to come home from work to, to share dinner with, and DO things with. I can't tell you how much I ADORE having Jay to do things with.
I know people say that when you're single you're just supposed to go do all those things anyway on your own, but for me at least, a lot of the fun comes from sharing that experience with someone else. In some ways it's too bad that all of my friends (well, ok, all but one set) have kids because if they were more free to just up and do something at a moment's notice, I would have people to go do things with, but I don't have that right now, so having Jay here has been so awesome.
But, yeah. This is all pushing me. Pushing me to *actually* believe him when he says how pretty I am, or that he loves me. Pushing me to be in the moment, as much as I can and to enjoy our time together right now, now now, rather than thinking ahead to when things will be different. And pushing me to not anticipate the future, but rather to wait and see what it brings and to trust that maybe it'll just be ok. Or that I'll be ok.