This weekend was exhausting, but at the end of it, Jay was a little bit further away in the rear view mirror.
Or, perhaps more honestly, the way Jay acted last weekend felt further away, less in the forefront of my everything.
I went to a barbeque sort of lunch thing with people I didn't really know (way outside of my comfort zone) and that was completely exhausting, and then I hung out with a girl I sort of know and met her friends that I may be travelling down to Burning Man with, and that was exhausting too.
I also missed Jay terribly, as it would have been perfect to either have him along with me as a sort of comfort zone carry-along, or to come home to to de-compress and snuggle with after all that stress.
I went for a walk with my Dad Sunday morning for father's day and that was nice, and then I hung out with my folks for a bit and had a huge cry when my Mom asked me how it was going with "that fellow."
When I told her we weren't together anymore, she asked if he'd been "nice" about the breakup. If he'd handled it well. And, of course, that's when I broke down.
I hadn't wanted to. They have their own things going on and don't need my troubles, but sometimes a hug from your Mom is just what you need.
It didn't fix anything, but I think it helped open some of the floodgates I've been holding shut through pure force of will and need to survive.
I think I just survived last week and now it's time to feel the hurt and cry it out and mourn and grieve the loss so I can move on.
And on that note, I only cried in public three times this weekend, so there's that. No, wait... four.
I also lost it over Survivor, which, yes I know it's been over for a while (but no, don't tell me who won) but I wasn't watching it because I was hanging with Jay and happily busy, and so I was distracting myself and catching up on tv and I happened to be on the episode where the loved ones come and I always cry at that one but I really cried at it this time.
And, you guys... you guys have helped. Really. Your good thoughts and sharing your stories and sending me love and hugs and just like some of you said, knowing there are people out there, different places in the world wishing and hoping that I'll feel better soon really helps. And makes me feel loved and cared for.
So thank you. Very much.