Tuesday, 4 June 2013


For most of last week I was just wishing that my thoughts would stay in one place, one zone.

I told Jay, or maybe warned is a better word, that I'd be on a hair-trigger for crying last week and I was.  Any time I heard him tell someone "I'm moving to Vancouver at the end of the week" or when he changed his cell number or talked about packing, I'd tear up.

There was one moment where we were setting his alarm to remind him about something and I said, oh, you can just set it to repeat every day and he stopped, and looked at me... "Love.  I leave on Saturday."  And right there in the middle of the sidewalk I started to cry.

I have no predictions for how much or how little I may be crying this week or next or over the next months, I just don't know, but last week I was just wishing my thoughts would be consistent.

I'd have these moments of feeling just like, almost peace.  Let's just see what happens and what's meant to be will be and maybe this will all just work out perfectly and there's no point in worrying and being upset.  Those moments.

And then I'd all of a sudden be crying.

Or mad.

Or desperately wishing he wasn't leaving, that this was all a dream, that he would quit his job and come live with me forever and ever and ever and what's so wrong with that anyway?

It wasn't fun.  Especially outside of those calm moments, and I found myself wondering if that is why people go on medications.  To just even out the waves.

Or maybe that's why some drink... I don't know.

I just wish things weren't how they are, but life doesn't work like that does it?


Unknown said...

Life never seems to go according to how we think it should..

Distract with things and people you love..

maybe drink a tiny bit.. but not to much that you are sorry and sadder. Alcohol is also a depressant..

Victoria said...

No, life rarely does, eh? Or maybe when it does we just don't notice?

Anonymous said...

I have realized over the past months how many heartaches are out there, myself included. I agree that it is even more difficult to go through a separation when there are few flaws to be seen in the relationship. I hit my worse a week after my ex broke up with me by catching the flu for the third time in 4 months. The plus is now I fit in my skinny jeans, the negative is that I still struggle to let go of that guy.

I wish you the best as you journey through this undesirable change. Everyday I remind myself that if things are to work it takes "time" and patience. I know this from my own experience, and I hate it!

Thank you for sharing because it does help those that are also going through it.


Duff said...


Yeah. I guess just remember how you were feeling pre-xmas, when it seemed to be about being on the verge of giving up on this dating malarkey, along with a pining to get on a date with someone that wasn't kinda odd.

Now though, you guys seem to have developed a great relationship. Just a few months and so much has changed. It's difficult yeah, but better to have the challenge than nothing at all.

Clearly there's a lot of emotional investment on both sides. So both of you should commit to making it work! Perhaps a short holiday in Vancouver is in order =p If it was me I'd be over there this weekend, however that'd be more a wish to watch the f1 hah.

Hopefully things will work out for the better :) Good luck

Victoria said...

Thanks Anonymous, sorry you've been through a rough patch too, and yeah, time and patience aren't easy! *hugs*

So true Duff, and I was thinking similarly the other day too... like this may not be easy, but at least we're... you know... together and all? Like you said, better a challenge than nothing. At least right now. Thanks