For most of last week I was just wishing that my thoughts would stay in one place, one zone.
I told Jay, or maybe warned is a better word, that I'd be on a hair-trigger for crying last week and I was. Any time I heard him tell someone "I'm moving to Vancouver at the end of the week" or when he changed his cell number or talked about packing, I'd tear up.
There was one moment where we were setting his alarm to remind him about something and I said, oh, you can just set it to repeat every day and he stopped, and looked at me... "Love. I leave on Saturday." And right there in the middle of the sidewalk I started to cry.
I have no predictions for how much or how little I may be crying this week or next or over the next months, I just don't know, but last week I was just wishing my thoughts would be consistent.
I'd have these moments of feeling just like, almost peace. Let's just see what happens and what's meant to be will be and maybe this will all just work out perfectly and there's no point in worrying and being upset. Those moments.
And then I'd all of a sudden be crying.
Or desperately wishing he wasn't leaving, that this was all a dream, that he would quit his job and come live with me forever and ever and ever and what's so wrong with that anyway?
It wasn't fun. Especially outside of those calm moments, and I found myself wondering if that is why people go on medications. To just even out the waves.
Or maybe that's why some drink... I don't know.
I just wish things weren't how they are, but life doesn't work like that does it?