Out Of The Blue

I was getting out of my car after work on Thursday, and I checked my cell phone (as I usually do) to see if anyone had texted me on the drive home, or anything.

There was a missed call, which is unusual because no one really calls my cell, and a message.  From a Vancouver area code.

My heart stopped.

I took Jay's number out of my contacts.  Jay's Vancouver area number.  Anyone else I know in Vancouver would show up on my call display.

"Please don't let this be Jay." I thought.

I checked my messages, standing in front of my car.

It was Jay. 

He was in town.  For work.  Would be there for a couple more days.  He was going to return my keys.  But if I didn't want to see him, he could just leave them with the resident manager.

I started shaking. 

I hadn't heard from him in a month.  At all.  And I'd been so angry all last week at him.  And suddenly he shows up.  Out of the blue.  And do I want to see him?

I had no idea.

I went and knocked on my neighbour (and good friend's) door, (thank goodness she was home) and just started crying.  "Jay just called.  I don't know what to do."

And I just kept saying that, over and over.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know what to do.

 It was such a shock.  I really never thought I'd hear from him again.  And earlier that very day I had told myself that I was just going to have to send his hoodie and other belongings to his workplace as I didn't have his address to send them to, and clearly we were never going to speak again.

Except he'd just called.

I'm so grateful my friend was home, really, because just standing with her in her kitchen as she made dinner for her family I felt a little calmer.  And I went up to my place, still upset, still shaking, but not going to fall over or anything.

I sat for a few minutes.  Knowing that I didn't have to see him if I didn't want to.  Didn't even have to speak to him.  But I figured that it would be worse to *not* see him and wonder, than to see him and know.

Like, know if we would yell at each other and continue the angry hate I'd be feeling, or what.  At least if I saw him, I figured, I'd know.  If I didn't see him?  I'd still feel the way I'd been feeling all month.

So I took a deep breath, called him, he picked up.  I said I'd gotten his message, and that I would be around if he wanted to drop off my keys.

So, you guys, I saw Jay.  And I promise to tell you all about it but first I need to try to feel less weird.

Because I feel really weird.

But, better. 

So that's good.

Better in general, but weird specifically.

And, yes, I'll take your hugs, please.