Tuesday, 2 July 2013

Sigh

It's funny... this was one of those long weekends where I couldn't seem to keep track of what day it was.

And then I got a little panicky Saturday evening because I'd hung out with a friend instead of doing my usual weekend "chores" and then I had to tell myself that it was ok because I still had Sunday to do them, but then I didn't want to do anything on Sunday and then I woke up on Monday getting ready for work but then I remembered I didn't have to get ready for work and then I figured it was Sunday, but it wasn't.

Which, yeah.

I feel like I'm mad at everyone this week.  Mad at Jay.  Mad at my friends for not handling the breakup "right."

Some of the friends I saw this weekend, and yes, I pushed myself out of the house a little rather than sitting in and moping on the gorgeously sunny days, asked me if Jay and I had talked and I said that no, I hadn't heard from him since the really bad conversation and they said that that "spoke to his character."

Which made me mad.

I guess somehow it makes me feel like everyone questions my judgement when they speak badly of him.  Like I must have been with this horrible guy and just not noticed.

Frustrates me.  Or maybe it stings.  I don't know.

I just know I'm grumpy and I have a ton of grieving and mourning to get through if I could just stop distracting myself long enough to feel it all.

But that hurts too much.  So I tend not to.

I got really upset yesterday (a holiday here in Canada) thinking about all the fun Jay must be having.  Out with his friends... and his roommates... and his co-workers, having a blast in the sun in Vancouver or whatever it was he did and it just upset me.  A lot.

Not that I didn't enjoy the sun and fireworks and all, but just... upsetting.

Partly because I feel like we should have been having that fun together.  Partly because I don't want him to be enjoying his life because he hurt me and let me down and he shouldn't get to be happy and carefree and careless.  He should be hurting and missing me too.

This sucks.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Its always exciting when a relationship is new and everyone is on one's best behavior (the honeymoon period) but it's also better to find out who is a good fit when they are both being real (warts and all) because life is hard and you really want to know what your partner is made of for the tough stuff (sickness etc). You seem really mature and settled in your life ready for the next step maybe Jay just isn't at that point right now. And that does suck when things don't work out.
Its okay to be sad.
brandi

Tuesday, July 02, 2013 2:30:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

True...

Tuesday, July 02, 2013 9:04:00 pm  
Anonymous kandijay said...

It's funny, I was annoyed when people talked about how great my ex was, because HE HURT ME. But I was also annoyed when my loyal friends talked trash about him because I LOVED HIM. It's one of the many sucky things about break-ups. We tried to stay friends, and that hurt, we stopped talking for a long time, and that hurt.... It all hurts. But it does get better. For me, the worst part about it was thinking I never mattered to him. But that's about me. I need to matter to someone. It's been 12 years, but I still tell myself that he loved me once, and that has to be enough for that relationship. I matter to lots of people, and I mattered to him once, even if he won't admit it now.

Wednesday, July 03, 2013 6:42:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

I totally get that... *hugs*

Wednesday, July 03, 2013 5:41:00 pm  

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