The Other Side
It's a funny thing, having a blog, because for some reason you decided you wanted to share your thoughts, or your life, or your story or your opinion, and I know I never really thought through having to defend said thoughts, stories, or opinions.
And I mean, I guess I don't *have* to defend my actions and choices. I know that people are just trying to help. Are just trying to look out for me, to stop me from getting hurt, or from making mistakes. Maybe even mistakes they made. So I take a deep breath, and I remember that people are just trying to help. Even if that's an assumption that's not always true on the internet, I find it's generally the case here.
As I was mulling over some of the reactions people had to my time with Jay and the choices I made, I found myself doing the "baroo?" sideways head tilt.
Why had no one assumed that it was me using Jay?
Why had no one pointed out that I was clearly just using him. Getting some physical comfort from someone I was no longer involved with?
Why did no one give me either a high five for getting me some action, or shake their head in disappointment at me manipulating this poor guy into staying with me, and perhaps thinking he could rekindle things when clearly I wasn't interested.
I guess maybe we don't expect that of the gentler sex, or perhaps it's just not in my character to use, manipulate and lie, and y'all know me well enough to know that.
But let me assure you of this. I didn't let Jay stay, or let him "back into my bed" with any hidden, secret agendas. I let him stay because I wanted to. Not because it meant anything, and not because I was taking him back. Just because it worked for me at the time.
And it was really, really nice to have someone to cuddle with.
And maybe I'm a little sad that some people see or assume the worst in both of us. That some feel it's clear he's a player and using me, and that I'm weak and being unkind to myself by letting him spend time with me again. Because the reality is that yes, maybe he is/was using me, and maybe I'm doing myself an injustice, but in the grand scheme of things, maybe we're just two good people trying to do the best we can with where we are in life right now and being flawed, and human, we just wanted to spend time with a person we like, and care about and have loved.
Because sometimes life is enough of a muddle without having to overthink it all.
At the core of it, Jay's a good person, and I'm a good person and we're both flawed and imperfect, and carry our own baggage from our past and past relationships, but we enjoyed spending time together when he was here.