Monday, 15 July 2013

The Other Side

I wasn't sure what I'd say about Jay's visit the other week because I wasn't sure I felt like hearing what all everyone had to say. 

It's a funny thing, having a blog, because for some reason you decided you wanted to share your thoughts, or your life, or your story or your opinion, and I know I never really thought through having to defend said thoughts, stories, or opinions.

And I mean, I guess I don't *have* to defend my actions and choices.  I know that people are just trying to help.  Are just trying to look out for me, to stop me from getting hurt, or from making mistakes.  Maybe even mistakes they made.  So I take a deep breath, and I remember that people are just trying to help.  Even if that's an assumption that's not always true on the internet, I find it's generally the case here.

As I was mulling over some of the reactions people had to my time with Jay and the choices I made, I found myself doing the "baroo?" sideways head tilt.

Why had no one assumed that it was me using Jay?

Why had no one pointed out that I was clearly just using him.  Getting some physical comfort from someone I was no longer involved with?

Why did no one give me either a high five for getting me some action, or shake their head in disappointment at me manipulating this poor guy into staying with me, and perhaps thinking he could rekindle things when clearly I wasn't interested.

I guess maybe we don't expect that of the gentler sex, or perhaps it's just not in my character to use, manipulate and lie, and y'all know me well enough to know that.

But let me assure you of this.  I didn't let Jay stay, or let him "back into my bed" with any hidden, secret agendas.  I let him stay because I wanted to.  Not because it meant anything, and not because I was taking him back.  Just because it worked for me at the time.

And it was really, really nice to have someone to cuddle with.

And maybe I'm a little sad that some people see or assume the worst in both of us.  That some feel it's clear he's a player and using me, and that I'm weak and being unkind to myself by letting him spend time with me again.  Because the reality is that yes, maybe he is/was using me, and maybe I'm doing myself an injustice, but in the grand scheme of things, maybe we're just two good people trying to do the best we can with where we are in life right now and being flawed, and human, we just wanted to spend time with a person we like, and care about and have loved.

Because sometimes life is enough of a muddle without having to overthink it all.

At the core of it, Jay's a good person, and I'm a good person and we're both flawed and imperfect, and carry our own baggage from our past and past relationships, but we enjoyed spending time together when he was here.


kandijay said...

Well, I obviously can't speak for everyone, but I'll tell you how I see it. I read your blog, which is your thoughts and feelings, told from your point of view. And often it reflects feelings I have had or have, and so it's YOU that I connect with, not Jay.

Since you are the one I am connected with, I am automatically on your side. I'm protective of you, get hurt for you, angry for you, etc. It would never occur to me that you would use someone, because I wouldn't. Does that makes sense?

I also wouldn't criticize you, because I wouldn't criticize one of my friends that I know in real life. I don't give advice to them unless they ask for it, or I see them doing something flat out wrong. From my point of view, maybe your choices aren't the best, or perhaps foolish, or what I would do, but not WRONG. But I know you got flack from other readers, and I think this is why: we are on your side, and don't want to see you hurt. Simple as that.

Happydog said...

Yes, as a reader my loyalties lie with you...
From my POV I see you learning to live in the moment through this relationship...and I think thwt's FANFUCKINGTASTIC....
This learning to live in the present has been one of the hardest and best lessons I've experienced in my life. And I still work at it lo these many years later.
Being present in the moment allows for:
Less second guessing your decisions
Less fear
Reacting to what is instead of trying to figure out what might be save a ton of energy
Manages expectations as in you don't have as many
Also allows for feeing the actual feelings...I know not fun when they're crappy feels...but they move along much quicker.
My two cents..:)

Stephanie Hunter said...

Yeah- it would be different- MAYBE - if this were Jay's blog. But, it's not. It yours, and so as a reader of your blog, I am loyal to you. You are my *friend. Not that he's awful, but you are the one that I wouldn't want to get hurt. Having just been (well not really JUST- more like 2 years ago) this same typish type of thing where the person I was actually going to marry flipped and just went to this place where I kept saying, who is this?(Sorry for long bad sentence.) Basically, I have been there, where someone said and did and acted in ways that I knew wasn't really him. And had he come back I would have taken him back. (He didn't. And I'm glad.... well, except when he wanted to make out a few months ago randomly in a parking lot... weird?)

Bottom line. I get it. And from reading, you do not appear to be a "user." But I really believe in the good of mankind, and I don't think he's trying to use you either.

Jonathan said...

Here's the thing. I'm reading this because I take an interest in you. It started out as an interest in your blog - but ended up being you - because you are interesting, and funny, and thoughtful, and all those other words.

I'm not here to pass any judgement. I'm here to read, to share in the things you want to share, and to perhaps be there if you need me every once in a while.

I'm not here to judge though.

Victoria said...

Thanks Kandijay, I appreciate that.

HD, that's really a lot of what I feel I've gotten (and am getting?) out of this relationship. It's a big lesson for me, but, yeah, better... (Ok, that really only maybe made sense in my head?)

Thanks Steph (and yeah, parking lot...weird?!)

Thanks Jonathan, I appreciate it. As always.

Kate said...

I have had a few moments of "I hope Victoria isn't taking all of the "advice" too much to heart and just finding her own way through this". I think you are very brave for sharing (and thanks for allowing us random strangers to be part of your journey!)

Victoria said...

Thanks Kate. Sometimes it really throws me, but I just try to take a breath and remember it comes from a good place.

The Little Black Dog said...

"Why had no one assumed that it was me using Jay?" Interesting question. I think it is because for any of us that read your blog regularly we know that's not who you are, and the way you wrote about him? You SWOONED - it was love, not lust. It was obvious that you loved him. What was not obvious was that he loved you. And sometimes when we are in love, well, we don't see what we don't want to/can't see. It is easy in hindsight to adjust our thoughts and words to make ourselves believe but isn't that what love is really about? NOT being in control. Sure we get hurt. You get hurt, but it's a risk.

Victoria said...

Thanks for your insight SG