I don't really know how we left it.
Which, really, means we didn't.
I told him to try to come find me at Burning Man, that I'd like to spend some time with him there if possible. And you guys, that's probably the biggest relief for me in Jay's having taken the time to see me. I'm no longer horrified at the idea of seeing him there, and that means I can have my experience without looking out of the corner of my eyes to see if he's there.
I felt incredibly weird when Jay left. So weird.
And I think that was due to him being in my space again.
I think, were I to repeat last week again, I would tell him he couldn't stay. That it would just be too weird.
Jay and I have exchanged text messages since he left, and it's nice to be cordial but I don't know any more than that.
Will we see each other again? No idea. Probably?
Will he invite me to visit in Vancouver? I don't really think so. Would I go if he did? Maybe?
Would I like to see him again? Yes. I think so.
Would we ever get back together, were he to end up back in Victoria some day? Maybe? I don't know.
But it'll never be the same.
I said that to him one night. That I missed what we had, and was sad we'd never get that back. He agreed that what we'd had was good.
He also said that he was sorry that it was him who loved me, and not someone "better"... better for me.
It took me a few days (and a couple of good night's sleep) to feel back to normal.
Or... "normal", I suppose, because it's really nice to not be hurt and angry anymore.
To not be sad and confused and upset about how things ended.
I'm not entirely settled with it, but again, time helps with that.
I don't even know if I've explained it all properly. I know, for sure, that I've left out details, some important, some not so, but I do think what's the most important thing is that I feel better and happier about everything and that's good and I'm grateful for that.