Now that's probably not fair at all to say, and Jay would not understand how I could say that. Jay told me all the time that he loved me. Jay says he loved me. And when we were together, with each other, I would have told you that I was loved.
But I wonder.
I wonder a lot if what I think love is, is different from what Jay thinks love is. Does that sound horrible? Maybe. It doesn't feel nice to say.
But then I look at how things happened. How he came into town, knowing he'd leave for work, or life, if it came to it. And he said it wasn't about not loving me, it was about us not knowing each other long enough. Not having been in each other's lives long enough to make those decisions. That we had only just met. That he couldn't base his life around being near me, with me. And I'm sure I could argue and protest that *I* would have. That I loved HIM enough to make those decisions, but I didn't did I? I wasn't going to leave my life, my job, my family, my friends, my home. But might I have if things were different? If I wasn't so settled here?
Maybe.
And maybe it's when I think of how he walked away so easily. While my heart broke and missed him and hurt, his walked on and I don't think looked back. (Although when he came back into town at the start of July, I think he was looking back then. I think he wondered. Maybe he still does...)
It's not that I want to out compete him, it's just that I loved him. And what I felt for him and about him, I don't think he felt the same for me. He liked me, liked being with me, enjoyed my company, yadda yadda yadda, but I don't think he loved me. Not the love that I experience.
Is he capable of that? I don't know. Perhaps. Perhaps just not with me. Or not right now. I don't know.
So then why do I still want to be around him? Why would I, at times, want him back in my life? Why? That's the question I keep asking myself. Keep wondering about.
Maybe it's that being with him allowed me to love for the first time in a very long time.
Maybe it's that I still feel like my entire soul sighs, in a happy way, when I'm lying next to him, or see his smile as he looks at me.
Maybe it's that I don't care, in those moments of being with him, that he doesn't love me because I love him and somehow that's all I want.
Which is probably why it hurts way more when he's gone.
Because that's when I start to remember that there's so little coming back from his end.
Even if there was more when we were together, there's little now when we're apart.
And then I start to wonder why that's ok. Why it's ok on his end, and why it's ok on mine.
I don't have any answers, I'm still asking the questions, and the lessons will be learned. That I believe.
Or, hope, at least.
