Right The Bleep Out
Sort of containing the absolute panic that I feel.
I read somewhere that a good way to try to combat worry (anxiety) is instead of the typical "I'm going to think of all the things that may possibly go wrong" that I usually do, I should try to think of all the best possible ways things could go.
So I've been trying to do that.
I'll go to Burning Man and will have no stomach problems at all. My stomach will be so super happy and fine and normal.
And I'll be comfortable and sleep well.
And I'll really enjoy myself.
And I'll meet a very cool person. Or, I'll spend the week happily wandering around with Jay in a ball of bliss and happiness.
And it's all going to be awesome and great and wonderful and so good! GOOD!
And for a while there, like last week, those thoughts were working. Until I realized that Jay mentioned that he's traveling down with his friend Sara. And I realized that this made me feel... ill. And so I talked it over with him and no, they're not together and not planning on getting together but just the thought of it, coupled with the thought that I'd much rather the two of us were traveling down together and plus he always told me he would either fly down or go by himself and now all of a sudden he's going with ... a girl and all these thoughts just started slamming me and the anxiety has been hard to keep at bay since then.
Not that I know what will happen down there, I know that. But I have to tell myself that certain things will be a certain way or else I'll panic, completely and not go.
So if telling myself the happy story of Jay and I being in love and together while we're down there is what it takes to make it ok for me to leave my apartment and do this? Then that's what I'm going to try to imagine.
I don't care if it's not healthy or not what's going to happen, I need to feel ok. I need to not be freaking out so badly I'm incapacitated.
And I feel pretty close to that bad right now. And it's not fun.
Two weeks today I should be back home. And I'm not leaving for a couple more days so I should just keep distracting myself and pretending that LALALALA NOTHING IS HAPPENING and oh lord, please let it all be better than ok. Please let me be safe and comfortable and not sick and not sick and not sick.
I've held this panic at bay for months and now that it's so close I can hardly ignore it any more? I'm right on the edge of freaking right out.