Wednesday, 21 August 2013

Right The Bleep Out

Because We Were by foundimagination
You guys, this week is a whole lot of me trying to not just freak the bleep out.

Sort of containing the absolute panic that I feel.

I read somewhere that a good way to try to combat worry (anxiety) is instead of the typical "I'm going to think of all the things that may possibly go wrong" that I usually do, I should try to think of all the best possible ways things could go.

So I've been trying to do that.

I'll go to Burning Man and will have no stomach problems at all.  My stomach will be so super happy and fine and normal.

And I'll be comfortable and sleep well.

And I'll really enjoy myself.

And I'll meet a very cool person.  Or, I'll spend the week happily wandering around with Jay in a ball of bliss and happiness.

And it's all going to be awesome and great and wonderful and so good!  GOOD!

And for a while there, like last week, those thoughts were working.  Until I realized that Jay mentioned that he's traveling down with his friend Sara.  And I realized that this made me feel... ill.  And so I talked it over with him and no, they're not together and not planning on getting together but just the thought of it, coupled with the thought that I'd much rather the two of us were traveling down together and plus he always told me he would either fly down or go by himself and now all of a sudden he's going with ... a girl and all these thoughts just started slamming me and the anxiety has been hard to keep at bay since then.

Not that I know what will happen down there, I know that.  But I have to tell myself that certain things will be a certain way or else I'll panic, completely and not go.

So if telling myself the happy story of Jay and I being in love and together while we're down there is what it takes to make it ok for me to leave my apartment and do this?  Then that's what I'm going to try to imagine.

I don't care if it's not healthy or not what's going to happen, I need to feel ok.  I need to not be freaking out so badly I'm incapacitated.

And I feel pretty close to that bad right now.  And it's not fun.

Two weeks today I should be back home.  And I'm not leaving for a couple more days so I should just keep distracting myself and pretending that LALALALA NOTHING IS HAPPENING and oh lord, please let it all be better than ok.  Please let me be safe and comfortable and not sick and not sick and not sick.

I've held this panic at bay for months and now that it's so close I can hardly ignore it any more?  I'm right on the edge of freaking right out.

9 Comments:

Blogger Stephanie Hunter said...

You are going to have a wonderful time. You will be okay. You will actually be great. =)

Wednesday, August 21, 2013 8:31:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you'll be fine and will have a great time. My one piece of advice (sorry, I can't help myself): Break off all contact with Jay.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013 10:41:00 am  
Anonymous Westcoast said...

I totally understand panic mode. Especially, when it comes to a love or situation. What works for me is to not setup any expectation but just be open for any possibilities so I'm not as overwhelmed with anxiety (suck a yucky feeling) and it seems to help because I have less reasons to be disappointed. It is something I always have to do to help me stay calm since I like to predict, or try to control the future. Good luck.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013 5:41:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks Stephanie... I hope so!!

I'll do my best to have a great time Anon.

Oh man, I so feel like I can both predict and control the future if I just worry about it enough Westcoast! Gotta let go of that delusion, eh? ;)

Wednesday, August 21, 2013 6:35:00 pm  
Anonymous Kate said...

Breathe!! Are you breathing? It doesn't sound like it. BIG BIG breaths please :-)

Everything will be fine. You can't control anything but your own actions and reactions so just try and let go of the need/want.

Oh. Did I mention to BREATHE??? :-)

Wednesday, August 21, 2013 9:50:00 pm  
Anonymous Dominic said...

One of my fellow geeks I follow on Twitter is also going to BM - @pjf

He famously offers free hugs at the conferences he speaks at to anyone who wants/needs one, so if it'd help you could ping him and ask for one at BM :)

Thursday, August 22, 2013 1:20:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

I'm trying to breathe Kate. Thanks for the reminder. BIIIIIIG BREATH! And, yeah. Thanks.

Thanks D. If I knew how to "ping", I would ;) heh

Thursday, August 22, 2013 8:31:00 am  
Anonymous Tamara said...

Totally understand the panic! I deal with it by freaking out most of the time.
Also, I completely understand about Jay going with another girl. My mind would over think the whole thing to the point of maybe no return.
I've got the same situation right now, but it's a guy I work with and dated for awhile and he was just telling me that he spent his day off with another one of our coworkers and honestly, my mind could only go to once place. Usually I'm totally fine, as it's been a few months since we broke things off and I have moved on.
However, when I find out stuff like that, I fall into a little black hole for a tiny while. Tomorrow's a new day! :)

Friday, August 23, 2013 6:20:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Tamara, the little black holes are no fun at all, but, like you said, tomorrow's a new day :)

Wednesday, September 04, 2013 10:36:00 pm  

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