I don't want to go on a date.
Yes, I went through and survived the process of meeting this guy, but now he'd like to go on a date, well, not that he said those words, but we have plans to do something and I don't want to go on a date.
I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to!
I don't want to have to get ready and try to look nice. And by nice, I just mean nicer than I'd look if I were sitting on my couch relaxing in my pjs with no makeup on. And I don't want to have to make small talk, or large talk, or just sit there with someone I don't know and get to know them. I don't want to do any of that.
I didn't with Jay. Jay and I got to know each other via emails, and then chatting, and then video calls and by the time we met, we didn't need to date, we already knew all that about each other and already liked the person and already loved the person. We were just completing the last phase of it all, the actually being in the same place at the same time.
So all the things I don't want to deal with in this "date" situation, with Jay, were under my control. If I was nervous or confused, I just put the email aside for a while before answering it. And, maybe more to the point, I told him. And I suppose that's key. Maybe it's important that I'm honest with this guy too, because isn't that one of the things I most valued with Jay?
But, still. I don't know why I feel so horrified at the idea of having to go sit in a pub, chatting over a drink. Really that should be a nice experience, no? Or at least neutral?
But it's not someone I know, and I'm not comfortable with people I don't know. So it's not a comfortable experience.
And I don't want to do it.
But, what's the alternative, I ask myself. What would I rather do, rather than a "let's go grab a drink."
Honestly? I think I'd rather sit in my living room over a cup of tea. Or sit on logs on the beach throwing stones at the water.
I don't know.
I'm trying to think back to other relationships, or starts of relationships and I'm sure I've done this before.
I seem to remember meeting DD at a restaurant for our first date. Awful, because I couldn't find the place, and cell phones weren't that common so I had no idea if I'd ever find him or if I would stand him up, or be stood up for that matter.
And I waited outside for him and it was raining and a droplet landed on my nose right as he arrived, so it looked like I was wiping my nose.
(Which I guess I was, but, you know, just from water.)
I think with Smith, our first date was just driving around town. He picked me up in his rental car, we maybe got coffee (tea) somewhere? Or not. And then we drove down to the water and sat and talked.
I don't remember where Vince and I had our first date, just where we were supposed to have our first date, because I thought he meant one place and he'd actually meant the other so we both thought we got stood up by the other person. He then tracked down my friend and called me that night. And I don't remember what we did on our actual first date. Except at some point it involved a car. And parking near the water. At least, I think that was the first date.
I think I'm more comfortable when there's not other people around, then I don't imagine them judging us. And are they? Maybe. Probably not. I probably only think they are because I love to watch people. And I make up stories about them. Try to figure out what's happening. And when I see people who appear to be on a first date, I cringe for them.
And there's also the potential for awkwardness about paying for the drink, or whatnot. I rarely carry cash anymore, which means, what, we both pull out our cards?
I think last time I went on a date sort of thing, I just let him pay and I said thank you, but I felt totally awkward about it the whole time. We all know I over think, this should not be surprising news that I'm having all these thoughts.
So, yeah. I don't want to do this.
But ranting about it has actually helped so...