Wednesday, 4 September 2013

Late

This post (just like all of the posts from the last while) was written before I left for Burning Man.

This post was also written in a pretty emotional state. 

But this post, weirdly enough, was written after all the other posts.  Or maybe not weirdly enough, except that I just mean that, well, it probably doesn't matter.  It's just another post.

The weekend before we were going to be leaving for Burning Man, so... three weekends before now (?) I was really missing Jay.

I think it was because I'd seen him a week or so before, but also because, well, hormones.

And that's something I sort of politely try to avoid, pretty much, here, is S    E    X, but damn if it doesn't play into things, certainly for me.

But anyway, I was really missing Jay, for a few different reasons, and I decided to go see him, and to go see my brother as well.

I asked Jay if he'd be ok to come pick me up after work on Friday, and then take me to a transit station so I could get to my brother's part of Vancouver and have him pick me up there Saturday morning.  Everyone said that was fine.

Jay didn't mind coming to pick me up as he's just recently bought a plane (which still kind of boggles my mind.  I'm not sure why.  I mean, people buy boats and cars and it's no big deal, but I never really thought about people buying planes and it just being... you know, no big deal, just another hobby) so he would stop in at his plane's ... home (air..port...hangar, I know what it's actually called, but don't want to name it, so we'll just call it his plane's home.)

I was happy to be going to see him, and to be able to spend an evening with him, and then a night, and to wake up with each other and spend the morning together before I went to see my brother.  It seemed like it was going to be a great weekend, and a good distraction from the worries over Burning Man that had been building and keeping me up at night.

Jay was there at the ferry and it was nice to see him, and when we got in the car I just wanted to pet him.  Like, that's not the write word, but stroke sounds naughty and I just mean I wanted to touch him in a loving gentle way, so I played with his hair for a while he drove.  I noticed that I felt both relaxed and wound up.  I was physically relaxed and happy to be with him and near him, but emotionally, I was like... huh?  And I kind of babbled.  Talked about THIS and THAT and felt like I was loud and annoying, so I sat for a while and just breathed until we got to the airplane.

It reminded me of DD, who lived on a boat and how when people have boats they're always working on them, fixing, tinkering.  And Jay had some things he needed to work on.  It was kind of neat to help, to see the innards of a small plane engine and to help him screw things in or lift things here or there.

We were there for a few hours, and I didn't mind too much.  I knew he had to get this stuff done, and knew how happy he is to have this plane, and how much it means to him and I kind of figured it was either sit there, out in the sunny evening, or be sitting home alone on my couch anyway, so while it may not have been the most romantic or entertaining, it was still an adventure, still something different.

By the time we left, we were both starving.  It was well past evening, dark out, and neither of us had eaten since lunch.  I got to the point of "I haven't eaten in so long I feel sick" and "I want to eat but I don't know what" so we grabbed a subway and I felt a bit better as we drove home.

I liked his place, it was like most of the houses I spend all my time in in University.  The "a bunch of cool people live here and it's not too tidy but that's ok, we're all good" kind of house.

I met one of his roommates, and when he introduced me to them he said "this is Victoria.  She used to be my girlfriend, but she dumped my ass when I moved to Vancouver."  And all I could think was... really?

My response was something along the lines of "yeah, I'm sure that's exactly how it happened." But when we got into his room and had a moment to ourselves I asked him if that's really what he thought.

Did he not remember the part where he turned into a jerk?  An asshole?

He laughed.  "I'm such a good guy though!"

Yeah... no.

I sort of sat there while we moved things around in his room so there was space to open up the futon couch for us to sleep on wondering why I was there.

I just kept thinking that.  "Why am I here?"

It felt really weird.

My hormonal... moment of the days before had passed so it wasn't like I was there to jump his bones or have him jump mine.  And I'd thought I wanted to be there to be with him, to spend time together, but now that we'd been together for several hours, me entertaining myself while he did his thing, and then thinking I wish I'd known I should have brought my own dinner, and him saying "I thought I'd have time to pick up food and we could have had a picnic" but he didn't, and it didn't bother him, I just kind of felt really... out of place.

It's the first time I'd visited him in his own space in the entirety of our relationship, and I guess I maybe didn't feel like it was that big of a deal to him.

But again, I just breathed, and let myself settle, and we went to bed.  (And I took a sleeping pill so I'd sleep for the first time in a week and not lie there annoyed that he was sleeping.)

And waking up next to someone you care about is always a nice feeling.  Those moments of feeling them there, holding you.  When Jay pulled the blankets to make sure I was covered, and then wrapped his arms tighter around me and pulled me closer.  Those moments are perfect.  And I was feeling good and happy and comfortable.

Jay was heading back out to his airplane so I snarfled down a bowl of his cereal and he drove me downtown and we said goodbye.

As I travelled to my brother's I realized that I didn't want to spend that night so close to Jay but not in the same bed and so I texted him that I wish I'd thought it through and was going to sleep with him again that night, and he said that maybe we could make that work.  I was so looking forward to being in his arms again.  So much.

I had plans with my brother (and his wife) that would take us into the evening and I told them, after we got slightly (ahem) lost in the woods in North Van that I might not stay overnight with them.  They both were cool with whatever worked, so we sat down after dinner to watch a movie.

Jay was back working on his airplane (I think he has a deadline he's working towards and he's trying to get things done before Burning Man) and said he wouldn't be able to see me til after nine.  I said that was fine.

And then it was, well, maybe ten.

And by then I didn't want to ask my brother to drive me to the transit station so late at night so I asked Jay if he'd be able to pick me up there and he said, yes, but not until after midnight, so I could take transit to his place and he'd meet me there later if I wanted.

And I just looked at the text, and started crying.

I sat there, rationalizing it all out, knowing that even as I was doing that, it wasn't really going to be ok.

My brother asked me what was wrong and because I wasn't in a place of being able to hold back the tears, we started talking.  Or, I started talking and he listened.

I explained what had happened that evening, that Jay was busy and had said I could take transit (which I was not comfortable with) or that he'd pick me up very late.

"You expected more, eh?"

And, yes, I had.

And you know I have a problem when someone speaks poorly about Jay, you've seen evidence of that here.  So even as I wanted to defend him from the comments my brother was making about him, my brother was gentle enough with what he said and how he said it that I could only half argue back.

"But he means well."

"Vee, he's a jerk."

"He's really not, he's just more clueless than anything."

"Either that, or he's a jerk.  He certainly seems to have no empathy whatsoever.  He sounds kind of like a sociopath."

"... I've said that to him before."

"You deserve better.  You deserve someone who really wants to spend time with you.  Who makes the effort.  Who says 'oh, you want to see me this evening?  I'll be there as soon as possible, half an hour!'"

"But he's busy.  I'm imposing on him by visiting.  He has to get this stuff done on his plane."

"Vee, stop making excuses for him.  You deserve to be with someone who puts in effort.  Not just when it's convenient for them, but all the time.  And don't give me this bullshit answer that he told you it was too early in the relationship, that's crap."

And then my pretty firm but gentle, non-violent brother said "if he comes to pick you up tonight?  I'll probably go out there and punch him in the face."

And what I loved and appreciated about the conversation is that he wasn't judgmental.  He wasn't telling me I was stupid for loving this guy, for being in a relationship with him, for seeing him after we'd ended things, he wasn't telling me what to do, he was just telling me how he saw things.

And what makes it hard is that I know.  I know, I know, I know.  But...  and isn't that the tricky bit... but... but a lot of me is ok with it.

Is ok with being so loving towards someone who does not return it or show it in any significant way.  Other than with touch, and kind words at times.

A lot of me is ok with meaning very little to someone, with being a convenience.  Because the times of being together I just see and feel like that must mean I'm worth something.

And maybe being in some sort of poor relationship is a better alternative than being alone.

Because sure, maybe he only wants to be with me when it's convenient and easy for him, but at least he wants to be with me sometime?  (Which is also why it hurt so much to hear that he was traveling with someone and might have gotten together with her if things had allowed (a conversation we had that I won't get into now due to the already lengthy nature of this post, but just suffice it to say Jay is not waiting for me or pining for me in any way.)  Because, if he is wanting to put the moves on someone else... then he really isn't thinking of me at all.)

Maybe being with him and having an outlet for that love that's usually trapped all up inside me with nowhere to go, maybe that feeling of closeness and togetherness when we're lying next to each other blinds me to the rest of it.

And I guess the series of events that happened that weekend made me question the rightness of all that.

It's funny, because I know I'm going to post this, and then come back to it two weeks later and I'm imagining that in those two weeks lots will have changed.

I feel, in some ways, in many ways perhaps, that this was meant to happen, because it meant that I felt broken open and raw days before leaving for this event.

This event where I may well see Jay.  I may well sleep with Jay.  Or maybe neither.



Sorry, I feel like I have to split this post into two.  Have to go meet with the people I'm going down with, and that's going to interrupt my train of thought, so more tomorrow.
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