Thursday, 24 October 2013

Further Thoughts And Ramblings

I was out walking yesterday afternoon when my mind came back to the post I'd written and where all that was *really* coming from.

I always refer back to what a brilliant counsellor told me... that when you have a reaction that's THIS BIG to something that's actually this big, it's not about the thing, it's about something else.  Something older.  Something deep in there.

Because I don't think feeling out of place at someone else's work event should really produce the hurt I'm feeling.

So, what is it?

I found myself wondering today if some part of it has to do with not feeling inherently valuable.

Like, I feel like I was raised to believe that my value as a person comes from how I gave myself to or helped or served others.

That my value is based on how much I positively impact people's lives.  How much I put myself out for them.  How much better their lives are for me being in them.

There is no sense of just being valuable for who I am.  That's vain.  Self-centered. 

To think that it might have been enough for my friend to show me her workplace, to say a quick hello?  That's a narcissistic thought.  To think that my offers of help, although not needed may have been appreciated?  Can't be true.

These are the ideas I think are somehow related to why I felt so very out of place.

I had nothing to contribute.  I was in the way (or so I felt), and so I was worse than being annoying.  I was actively being a bad person.

I'm not saying this makes any sense or has any logic to it, it's jut the thoughts that came to me as I walked.

I think I believe that I am only a person of value to any other human being if I give up part of myself to and for them.

And I'm not sure what it means if I'm right.  And I'm not sure what it means if I'm wrong.


Blogger The Little Black Dog said...

Interesting - I once took a business test called The Strengths Finder - and I got the highest score on WOO - Winning Others Over - It apparently is very important to me that others perceive me as helpful, useful, and other such qualities. It made me realize that even thought I can say that "I don;t care if other people like me" - for me it is not true, I do want (need?) to feel useful.

So I entirely get what you are saying.

Friday, October 25, 2013 3:46:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Now I can just picture you going around going WOO! WOO! ;)

But, yeah... I get the feeling useful thing.

Friday, October 25, 2013 8:32:00 pm  
Anonymous Frank said...

I get a happy feeling when someone finds me helpful and I do like to be liked.

Sunday, October 27, 2013 10:26:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Fair enough :)

Sunday, October 27, 2013 2:35:00 pm  
Anonymous Rebecca said...

Surely we all want to be liked or loved in some way and I dont believe the people that say they dont.

Monday, October 28, 2013 4:45:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Yeah, good point.

Monday, October 28, 2013 4:22:00 pm  

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