I was out walking yesterday afternoon when my mind came back to the post I'd written and where all that was *really* coming from.
I always refer back to what a brilliant counsellor told me... that when you have a reaction that's THIS BIG to something that's actually this big, it's not about the thing, it's about something else. Something older. Something deep in there.
Because I don't think feeling out of place at someone else's work event should really produce the hurt I'm feeling.
So, what is it?
I found myself wondering today if some part of it has to do with not feeling inherently valuable.
Like, I feel like I was raised to believe that my value as a person comes from how I gave myself to or helped or served others.
That my value is based on how much I positively impact people's lives. How much I put myself out for them. How much better their lives are for me being in them.
There is no sense of just being valuable for who I am. That's vain. Self-centered.
To think that it might have been enough for my friend to show me her workplace, to say a quick hello? That's a narcissistic thought. To think that my offers of help, although not needed may have been appreciated? Can't be true.
These are the ideas I think are somehow related to why I felt so very out of place.
I had nothing to contribute. I was in the way (or so I felt), and so I was worse than being annoying. I was actively being a bad person.
I'm not saying this makes any sense or has any logic to it, it's jut the thoughts that came to me as I walked.
I think I believe that I am only a person of value to any other human being if I give up part of myself to and for them.
And I'm not sure what it means if I'm right. And I'm not sure what it means if I'm wrong.
5 comments:
Interesting - I once took a business test called The Strengths Finder - and I got the highest score on WOO - Winning Others Over - It apparently is very important to me that others perceive me as helpful, useful, and other such qualities. It made me realize that even thought I can say that "I don;t care if other people like me" - for me it is not true, I do want (need?) to feel useful.
So I entirely get what you are saying.
Now I can just picture you going around going WOO! WOO! ;)
But, yeah... I get the feeling useful thing.
I get a happy feeling when someone finds me helpful and I do like to be liked.
Surely we all want to be liked or loved in some way and I dont believe the people that say they dont.
Yeah, good point.
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