Thursday, 24 October 2013

Further Thoughts And Ramblings

I was out walking yesterday afternoon when my mind came back to the post I'd written and where all that was *really* coming from.

I always refer back to what a brilliant counsellor told me... that when you have a reaction that's THIS BIG to something that's actually this big, it's not about the thing, it's about something else.  Something older.  Something deep in there.

Because I don't think feeling out of place at someone else's work event should really produce the hurt I'm feeling.

So, what is it?

I found myself wondering today if some part of it has to do with not feeling inherently valuable.

Like, I feel like I was raised to believe that my value as a person comes from how I gave myself to or helped or served others.

That my value is based on how much I positively impact people's lives.  How much I put myself out for them.  How much better their lives are for me being in them.

There is no sense of just being valuable for who I am.  That's vain.  Self-centered. 

To think that it might have been enough for my friend to show me her workplace, to say a quick hello?  That's a narcissistic thought.  To think that my offers of help, although not needed may have been appreciated?  Can't be true.

These are the ideas I think are somehow related to why I felt so very out of place.

I had nothing to contribute.  I was in the way (or so I felt), and so I was worse than being annoying.  I was actively being a bad person.

I'm not saying this makes any sense or has any logic to it, it's jut the thoughts that came to me as I walked.

I think I believe that I am only a person of value to any other human being if I give up part of myself to and for them.

And I'm not sure what it means if I'm right.  And I'm not sure what it means if I'm wrong.

6 Comments:

Blogger Sanibel Gal said...

Interesting - I once took a business test called The Strengths Finder - and I got the highest score on WOO - Winning Others Over - It apparently is very important to me that others perceive me as helpful, useful, and other such qualities. It made me realize that even thought I can say that "I don;t care if other people like me" - for me it is not true, I do want (need?) to feel useful.

So I entirely get what you are saying.

Friday, October 25, 2013 3:46:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Now I can just picture you going around going WOO! WOO! ;)

But, yeah... I get the feeling useful thing.

Friday, October 25, 2013 8:32:00 pm  
Anonymous Frank said...

I get a happy feeling when someone finds me helpful and I do like to be liked.

Sunday, October 27, 2013 10:26:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Fair enough :)

Sunday, October 27, 2013 2:35:00 pm  
Anonymous Rebecca said...

Surely we all want to be liked or loved in some way and I dont believe the people that say they dont.

Monday, October 28, 2013 4:45:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Yeah, good point.

Monday, October 28, 2013 4:22:00 pm  

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