How It Should Be

I often am trying to figure out why I feel a certain way.

For example, this last week or so I've been noticeably grumpy in the afternoons and evenings.

So I sit and I ask myself why.  Is it because of the situation C-Dawg and I dealt with?  Is it because I didn't eat very well while we were away?  Is it the dark, short days?  Is it being nervous about meeting a strange guy?  Is it wishing Jay were different?  Is it me fighting off a bug?  What is it?

The other day as I was trying to figure it all out, I asked myself why.  Why did I need to know where this negative feeling came from?

Well, the answer came, so that I can avoid it in the future.  Can stay more in balance.  Can avoid the dips in mood.

But then I thought more about balance and I realized that I somehow want my personal, emotional balance to be constant.

That I'm looking to achieve this magical, perfect internal balance that just...stays there.  Forever.  Balanced.

And I guess the more I thought about it, the more I realized balance is an active, often frustratingly difficult thing.

Like, literal balance, people who walk tightropes and things, they're constantly in motion.  Constantly adjusting, tweaking, changing according to what needs to happen so that balance can be maintained.

You don't just find balance and get to hang out there with no effort.

And that realization kind of sucked.

It sucks that balance takes so much effort.

That to be in balance, literal and emotional/mental/physical, you have to be constantly alert.  Constantly adjusting.

I just want to get there and have it stick.

But I think maybe the adjustments are worth making to be in the general area of balance.

To be trying to maintain a decent level of balance.

Just wish it was a relaxing pursuit.

Even though it sort of is.

This made much more sense in my head.