Wednesday, 5 February 2014

F#*k This

I feel like I should preface this by saying that I wrote this, and a few (most?) of this week's posts from a really unhappy place at the end of this weekend.  And to remind myself, and you guys, that this is my safe space to vent.  And to say that this all comes across as very one-sided, and my mind is not quite so one-sided, but this is all certainly on my mind right now.  < /end preface > Also, this is written backwards, if this makes sense.  I feel like a lot of this week doesn't make sense.  It certainly doesn't make sense to me. 

Ok, so I first came across Jason's profile a couple of weeks ago, right?  On my very strange Saturday.

And at the end of that first long conversation I was all "this guy is not someone I want to date for a number of reasons, but he's shown up in my life for some reason so I'll just try to let it happen.  Whatever "it" might be."

And then we talked the next night.  And the next.  And the next.  And the next.  And at the end of the first week of talking for hours each night (about I don't even know) I still had that "I don't want to date this guy, we're not well suited" thought but I figured we should meet.  Because we'd clicked about a few things and, I don't really know why I figured we should meet.

The first night we talked I heard him smoking.

If you don't know what I mean, it's a particular intake of breath, which I imagine some people can find quite sexy, but I just associate with the filthy habit, weak will, disgusting smell, breath, and teeth.

He'd said on his profile that he was a non smoker, and smoking has ALWAYS been a deal breaker non-negotiable for me so I stopped and asked him if he was smoking.

He was, but he said it wasn't a big deal for him.  That he didn't really think of himself as a smoker.  And that he was in the process of quitting again anyway.

I wish I'd hung up the phone.

That was when I told him that I wouldn't be dating him.  That I don't date smokers.  And my opinion of him fell.

I really should have just said my goodbyes, but I suppose I was bored.  Or maybe lonely?  Sad after hearing from Jay and wanting to continue the distraction?  So I just kept listening to him talk on about whatever.  But the twisting in my brain and myself had already started.

I was mad.  His profile only showed up for me because he put himself down as a non-smoker and there he is smoking.

I've talked about it here again and again, how I don't want to be with a smoker.  My first boyfriend was a smoker.  I hate it.  I always have.  I don't like being with someone who smokes, or being around them.  I can't be in a room of smokers, I end up sick.

One of my friends smokes when we go out for a walk but he never smells.  Never.  I think I've mentioned it here before, but he hid his smoking from his boyfriend for their entire relationship.  I guess he always avoided smoking around him, washed his hands, brushed his teeth after each smoke, I don't know, but it always bothered me that he wasn't being truthful.

But that's a whole other story.

Jason called me again the next day, and the next and the next and yes, I kept talking to him, and I'm frustrated that I did because I'm just setting myself up for something I don't want.  On top of whatever else might or might not come of it, he's always going to smoke.  I'm not naive enough to think that someone who has quit smoking "a few times" is ever really going to stop smoking, and I feel embarrassed and humiliated to say that I kept talking to him.

I can't even tell my friends he smokes.

I didn't even want to tell you.

Jay didn't smoke.  Or do drugs.  Or even drink.

Now, he didn't believe in monogamy either, but at least he didn't smoke.

How's that for a statement?


Anonymous liv said...

Hi Victoria I haven't left a comment in a while.
I continue to respect and admire your ability to open up about personal experiences, issues you are dealing with.
I understand your position about smoking or any other addictions, I too can not tolerate the smell of smoke: I stay afar when someone smokes near me in the street, or I walk in front. Smokers really don't know what it's like to be on the receiving end of what they reject in the air. And I think most become so used to it, they don't even notice the smell after a while.
Anyway seems to me like you know what you want or don't want in a potential partner, the hard part is finding the way to express it to others without feeling bad about it.
Whatever your criteria or deal breakers may be they are there for a reason, so you don't date smokers or addicts? So what, I don't see anything wrong with that. Quite the contrary.
Take care

Wednesday, February 05, 2014 9:11:00 am  
Blogger Matt79 said...

I agree with everything in your blog post about smoking. Makes me feel ill, smells horrible, leads to long-term health problems... I struggle to understand why people smoke. (Disclaimer: if your series of posts leads to you meeting up with this guy and finding that he's awesome, then I'll wish you all the best! But I still hate smoking.)

Wednesday, February 05, 2014 9:28:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks Liv.

Disclaimer is part of the reason I'm so annoyed Matt... :(

Wednesday, February 05, 2014 4:38:00 pm  
Anonymous Cheryl said...

Don't answer the phone when he calls. You're investing emotional energy in a situation that isn't going anywhere. Plus, you're disappointing yourself that you're still talking to him. I've been in the same type of situation, so I know that it's hard. But you can do it!

Thursday, February 06, 2014 7:03:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

I hear what you're saying

Thursday, February 06, 2014 7:36:00 am  

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