Still

As always with these things, when I don't write about them as they're happening, I have no idea where to start, or how.

So, as I usually do, I'm just starting to type, hoping that somehow, something comes out through my fingers and that it ends up making sense, or if not making sense, at least starting to give my thinking somewhere to begin, so that I can give some order to whatever it is I'm thinking, or feeling, or wanting to say.

I'm missing Jay a lot right now.

A lot.

Wanting to call him up, to just talk.  To text him, to reconnect.  To have that safe, comfortable feeling of calm that talking to him always gives me.

Or, at least used to always give me.  I suppose I don't know if it does anymore.  We haven't talked in months after all.  Maybe it would just upset me to talk to him like it upset me to hear from him.

But I'm missing being with him.  Missing very much what we had when we were together, in the same space, hanging out.  We were pretty awesome together.

I hate that everything else sucked.

So, what's got me missing Jay?

The "new guy."

I called him something else in a post last week, but talking to him this weekend I suddenly felt like his name was Jason. (Nearly called him that.)  I asked him what his middle name was in case it was Jason and I was suddenly psychic, but it wasn't, but I figured I'd use the name anyway.  So I went back and changed his name.

As I was thinking about what all I might have to say about him, and about how I was going to change his name I realized that Jason is pretty close to Jay as a sound/word/name.  But I don't know a Jason (although I did date one once) so it's not like I'm confusing this guy with anyone.

Anyway.

I spent time with this guy this weekend, and I missed Jay.  Missed how I felt with him, and how easy it was and all the rest.

But I didn't call him.  Didn't text him.

Just. . . really really wanted to.

I emailed my neighbour instead.  She had me over for a bit.  I watched her fold origami with her kids.

My friend said that if I thought I'd get what I needed from a conversation with Jay, and if the positive would outweigh the negative, I should contact him.

I haven't yet.

Maybe I won't.  I don't know.